Haru
Member
RANT WARNING: I am actively in the throes of a major emotional breakdown as I write this, so I sincerely apologize if I'm rambling or sound like a total nutjob or just generally don't make any sense.
So my best friend, let's call her June, and I have known each other for six years. Unfortunately, shortly after meeting for the first few times (I was 11 and she was 12), we had to move away- since then, I have lived in Arkansas and she's lived in California, but we've kept in contact over the internet the entire time. I've seen her exactly one time in person since then, which was last year, for a two day visit. The biggest reason I've never been able to see her is that my mother is overprotective and simply won't let me- that's how it's always been with every plan we tried to make save for the short visit last year, no matter how hard we tried. Well, in just a few short months, it's going to be June's 18th birthday, and for her present, her parents are taking her on a trip to Hawaii- but what she wants more than anything is to see me. So they invited me, and for once in a lifetime, my mother said yes. My mother NEVER says yes. Miracle, right? Well, not exactly- because to put it bluntly, I really don't have the money for this. I'm moving out of my parent's house in a year, and I need cash. I really can't put off moving, for the plain and simple fact that my family is very dysfunctional (which I'm not going to go into now), and I'd rather gnaw off my own arm than live here longer than I absolutely have to. I have no job right now- I am actively trying to find one- and I only have so much money left over from my last job, which I'm trying to save. Well, while my step-father agreed to pay for my plane ticket and her parents said they would pay for any other expenses- I have this weird hang-up about letting people spend money on me or accepting gifts. It drives me flipping insane, I can't stand it, I barely allowed my friends to buy me a cake for my birthday. It might not make sense, but to let them pay would make me feel so incredibly guilty I would wanna kill myself- it's not a pride thing, I just feel terrible for making people do things like that for me. So, I declined the offer- and I felt like such a huge asshole that I literally told my younger brother to hit me repeatedly with a clothes hanger (he did it, too). I don't think I've ever felt so awful over a friend, I started crying, I felt like I deserved to be eaten alive by midgets because I was basically denying my best friend the only thing she really wants because I don't want to spend any money. So I was in my room already having a nice little emotional breakdown when he mother calls me on the phone and yells at me (quite literally, yells in my ear), saying how could I possibly do this to my best friend. I already felt like the biggest asshole on the planet so I ended up agreeing to go after all. Well, most people, if they were going on an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii would be jumping for joy. I am having a full scale freak-out. My weird thing is way too strong, I don't know how to get rid of it, but I still won't be able to let them pay, I will be paying with my own danged money. That stuff I have a very limited supply of. Then I will come home and be broke, and I had very little chance of getting a job in the first place (it's hard to get one around here and few places are hiring), now I have to try to find one and save up enough money to be able to move, and I will not be able to, and I will feel incredibly guilty if I have to make the friends I'm moving in with pay for something I need because I just don't have the money, and I will run away and become a hobo and will never be able to bear speaking to another human again. I'm sure this all sounds stupid as fluff, but the whole money thing is an actual problem I've always had, ever since I was a kid. You ever see a kid who says "No! You bought me candy? But... but... let me pay you back! Please? Please? I'm begging you! *crying*"
Lord...
So my best friend, let's call her June, and I have known each other for six years. Unfortunately, shortly after meeting for the first few times (I was 11 and she was 12), we had to move away- since then, I have lived in Arkansas and she's lived in California, but we've kept in contact over the internet the entire time. I've seen her exactly one time in person since then, which was last year, for a two day visit. The biggest reason I've never been able to see her is that my mother is overprotective and simply won't let me- that's how it's always been with every plan we tried to make save for the short visit last year, no matter how hard we tried. Well, in just a few short months, it's going to be June's 18th birthday, and for her present, her parents are taking her on a trip to Hawaii- but what she wants more than anything is to see me. So they invited me, and for once in a lifetime, my mother said yes. My mother NEVER says yes. Miracle, right? Well, not exactly- because to put it bluntly, I really don't have the money for this. I'm moving out of my parent's house in a year, and I need cash. I really can't put off moving, for the plain and simple fact that my family is very dysfunctional (which I'm not going to go into now), and I'd rather gnaw off my own arm than live here longer than I absolutely have to. I have no job right now- I am actively trying to find one- and I only have so much money left over from my last job, which I'm trying to save. Well, while my step-father agreed to pay for my plane ticket and her parents said they would pay for any other expenses- I have this weird hang-up about letting people spend money on me or accepting gifts. It drives me flipping insane, I can't stand it, I barely allowed my friends to buy me a cake for my birthday. It might not make sense, but to let them pay would make me feel so incredibly guilty I would wanna kill myself- it's not a pride thing, I just feel terrible for making people do things like that for me. So, I declined the offer- and I felt like such a huge asshole that I literally told my younger brother to hit me repeatedly with a clothes hanger (he did it, too). I don't think I've ever felt so awful over a friend, I started crying, I felt like I deserved to be eaten alive by midgets because I was basically denying my best friend the only thing she really wants because I don't want to spend any money. So I was in my room already having a nice little emotional breakdown when he mother calls me on the phone and yells at me (quite literally, yells in my ear), saying how could I possibly do this to my best friend. I already felt like the biggest asshole on the planet so I ended up agreeing to go after all. Well, most people, if they were going on an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii would be jumping for joy. I am having a full scale freak-out. My weird thing is way too strong, I don't know how to get rid of it, but I still won't be able to let them pay, I will be paying with my own danged money. That stuff I have a very limited supply of. Then I will come home and be broke, and I had very little chance of getting a job in the first place (it's hard to get one around here and few places are hiring), now I have to try to find one and save up enough money to be able to move, and I will not be able to, and I will feel incredibly guilty if I have to make the friends I'm moving in with pay for something I need because I just don't have the money, and I will run away and become a hobo and will never be able to bear speaking to another human again. I'm sure this all sounds stupid as fluff, but the whole money thing is an actual problem I've always had, ever since I was a kid. You ever see a kid who says "No! You bought me candy? But... but... let me pay you back! Please? Please? I'm begging you! *crying*"
Lord...