So I had a conversation with an advisor from the University of Phoenix today about enrolling in their education program to become a Biology teacher. I'm interested in teaching because it's be a good way to use my degree. That thing I worked my ass off for 5 years to get and is currently nothing more than a decoration on my basement wall. Finally, an opportunity to advance myself after 2 years of mostly unemployment. I can go back to school. And as I lie here in bed with Imaginarium playing in my ears for the umpteenth time you know what I realize?
This idea terrifies me.
I feel like that a little internet research and accepting a phone call has put in motion a sequence of events I can't stop. I feel like I'm going back to school and there's nothing I can do about it. It's another 18 months of college minus the brick and mortar. How am I gonna pay for it? I got through college completely on my parents' dime. I can't ask them to do this again and my mom's already said that she's going to be very choosy about putting forth more. How would I pay for this if she refuses? I don't have any money and I don't have a job to get money. That's what I've been trying to do the last two years and I've failed to keep one. She wants me to do this because I want to and not because my dad wants me too. Not even I know the answer to that. I like the idea of teaching but I don't love it. This isn't just going to college like everybody else and that's what you'd supposed to do. This is going back with a clear goal, a purpose and doing something you love. I just don't have that passion. I don't have passion for anything but writing. I loved my last job and fulfilled my contract term but it wasn't renewed. I was having problems with the articles. My reach had exceeded my grasp. I feel empty, hollow, void of purpose. I need purpose. A job would give me purpose. But I can't find one. And my will to try has diminished. If I go back to school that loses even more time. Time spent doing something I'm interested in but not in love with. A lukewarm, lackluster passion brought on by necessity and lack of direction. Such is the greatest conceivable betrayal known to me at this moment. They want me to get a job where I can make some money with my degree. That's all. I want that too. And the thought of doing anything besides finding a job and starting to work, to commit to a long term plan like school, terrifies me. Where did all my nerve go?
I'm going to try and sleep now. I need rest. I have to try. But what will tomorrow bring? I suppose I won't know until I get there.
In regards to this, I don't have much advice in my opinion. Especially my place in life and my age. But I'll try. Here we go.
A few days ago (more like a week ago), I talked to a good friend of mine. I hadn't heard from her (she still lives in the same town as I do, has separation anxiety from her mother, and feels bad about leaving so she still stays). She has been busy with multiple jobs and taking care of her little sisters and brother, as well as helping about the house. Her mother has empty nest syndrome as well. (Understandable)
We talked for a while and she said she was thankful that the first thing that didn't pop out of my mouth was:
"What are you doing for college?" or "When are you leaving for college?"
My friend and I agree that it's completely moronic to shove people toward another direction after (in my case) you went through hell just to get by on getting A's and good scholarships.
Here's my thoughts on College. In today's society it seems that it has decreed that:
Success = Money. Or more money you make.
College/Degree = More money.
Therefor
Success = You have to go to College and if you don't, you're a failure.
WRONG.
I can't stress this enough. This is your life. Do what makes you happy. As a child of a man who worked as a taxi driver, as a hardware store owner, as a real estate manager and co-head, a pretty much jack of all trades, he never went to College. He had kids to take care of. He told me once that he wished he went to College. I replied, "Then you wouldn't have had the children you first had, and later on you never would have met mom, and I wouldn't be here to make your life miserable. See how that worked out?" Of course, he laughed. Fate has a way of working itself out.
Thing is, you are responsible for you. Think of what would make you happy. As for me, I'm not going to College for quite a while. If people want to judge me as a failure, fine. That's their problem. Here's my formula for MY SUCCESS:
Success = Happiness.
Time + Adventure = Inspiration
Inspiration leads to action
Action = Happiness.
Happiness = Success.
Money, while good and welcome, is a RESOURCE. I have been in Girl Scouts (yes yes, snicker snicker) and I learned a lot of common sense that most would just toss aside. One of the "Promises" that Girl Scouts make, is "Use resources wisely". When I was little I never gave it a second thought. After I grew older I looked at the whole oath/promise and I realized what it really meant.
Use money wisely. Debt is not fun. Here is a tip.
Although life won't wait for you, sometimes patience is a virtue. Think ahead and map out possible outcomes and then execute.
My dad maps out all possible outcomes and then executes things every month. Taxes. Bills. Payments. It's a wonder how he does it all with the small income we have. But he succeeds because he's patient and he plans ahead.
As for the last advice, if you truly want to go for the teacher road, go ahead. However choose wisely on how you're going to go about it. Who knows, maybe one day you'll walk down the street, something amazing happens in front of you and you get inspired. We all still have a long time ahead. A little patience is what is needed.
Like I said, I won't go to college because I know I'm not ready for it. Mentally and physically. I may have passed my GED with flying colors but that means nothing if I can't keep up to snuff.
I hope I didn't offend or put off anyone here lol. I just hate to see people stuck between a rock and a hard place, society telling them what and who they are when they have no business in doing so. Then again, I've always been a rebel. To hell with society. To arms with happiness and true success!