I need advice :(

[Anouck]

Hey everyone,
I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it. It's very important to me so I hope you guys can help me out. It's actually a long story; I hope I won't bore you

It all started with my cousin, who is the same age as me. Her parents, my aunt and uncle, were very young when she was born and they were not ready for a child. Because of that, they used to bring her to my grandparent's place. She basically lived there until she was 5.
After that her parents broke up. My uncle is a pathological liar and an impostor who got them in trouble. He left my aunt behind who had to take care of a child and all the financial problems her husband caused. She was, of course, furious. In order to take 'revenge' on my uncle, she broke contact with his family. My cousin never saw her father again. She also wasn't allowed to visit my grandparents anymore. That was quite an issue because my grandparents basically raised her until that point.

Years passed and I never saw my cousin again. 5 years ago I changed school and met her. She recognized me immediately while I had no idea who she was. When I found out it was my cousin I was so happy, but also a bit worried since we were going to the same school now. And that would mean that I was the only one who had contact with her. This caused a few problems:

1. I heard my aunts side of the story who, of course, expected I would pick her side. My father on the other hand expected me to pick 'our' side. He never approved what his brother did but also never forgave my aunt for keeping my cousin away from the family. In order to convince me both parties started to tell me things about the others. I heard so many things about my aunt and uncle I started to feel guilty for liking them.
2. My cousin looks like her father. She is a pathological liar who tells terrible lies about the family. She once told everyone a family member abused her - which never happened. Everyone at school asked me about that and even though I didn't want to ruin her reputation I also didn't want to be a part of the lie. So I told everybody it wasn't true. You can imagine what an impact that had. I got dragged into her lies...
3. My grandparents were very happy to hear we had contact again. They wanted to pick me up from school every day, obviously to catch a glimpse from my cousin. They think that the whole family drama is solved now and that I will 'restore the peace' by bringing them back together. They keep asking me how she is doing and I feel so sorry for them because I know how terribly they miss their granddaughter.

So I don't know what to do. Should I arrange a meeting between my cousin and grandparents? My aunt and uncle wouldn't mind since my aunt 'forgave' my grandparents. But she doesn't take initiative either. And I'm doing this for my grandparents and my cousin- not for them. So I don't care about their opinion.
But like I said, my cousin looks like her father. She makes up lies and gets herself in trouble. If she'd see my grandparents again she could mess up the whole family with lies about abuse and molestation. My grandparents are nearly 80, they can't handle that anymore. My cousin is also able to promise she will visit them every sunday but break contact right after the first visit. My grandparents got over their loss, as far as that was possible, but they couldn't handle such a disappointment again. It would kill them to loose their granddaughter a second time.
I also don't know what to do with the damn lies she keeps telling me. I don't want to be a part of that. Sadly most of the lies are about me and my family so it's hard not to get involved.
I hope the explanation makes sense. It's difficult to make you understand the situation since I don't even understand it myself. I hope you can help me though. Should I arrange something? What do I have to do with the side picking and what do I do about the lies she keeps spreading?
Thank you,

 

[Nocte Aeterna]

I'd say if you're wary about the situation, wait it out until you can truly pinpoint a perspective. If you need anything, I'm just a Skype IM away.

We can talk more there.

 

[DJ Luigi]

That's something pretty serious to lie about. If she was indeed treated that way, perhaps it wasn't physically but mentally. Being torn away from family can be pretty traumatizing and I can't even begin to imagine how much she's gone through.

But liar or not I think you have the right thing in mind, getting the family together would be best but I think it'd be best to discuss it with your cousin first, sit her down and talk to her about how the comments about being abused are bothering you. Once you get it out in the open, perhaps your cousin will realize just how much her words can impact people she cares about.

 

[Anouck]

That's something pretty serious to lie about. If she was indeed treated that way, perhaps it wasn't physically but mentally. Being torn away from family can be pretty traumatizing and I can't even begin to imagine how much she's gone through.

But liar or not I think you have the right thing in mind, getting the family together would be best but I think it'd be best to discuss it with your cousin first, sit her down and talk to her about how the comments about being abused are bothering you. Once you get it out in the open, perhaps your cousin will realize just how much her words can impact people she cares about.

thank you, but I can not talk to her. She is a pathological liar, it's a mental disease . That means that she lies even if there is no reason for it. She lies because it's in her nature. Therefor I can't talk her out of it.
But she wants to visit my grandparents.. I'm only concerned about the consequences.

 

[Nighthiker77]

I would just stay out of it. If she's 17 like you are, she can go see them if she wants to. It isn't worth getting all up in the middle of it. You could end up with everyone mad at you, blaming you for whatever happens, or silently resenting you for it.

 

[Writes-Many-Posts]

I don't think you need to pick a side in the first place. My parents split up and I always pretended I loved one more than the other. Why? Because they felt happy that way, needed. But then, stepmother, stepbrother, no more fighting for my affection, I was forgotten blablabla the usual. About the lies, you need to make people understand that scandalous things from your cousin aren't usually reliable. I honestly don't know if I would believe in a person after their second lie to me. When people stop fueling her lies, they get less and less until gone, at least that happened to me. I have a feeling that your grandparents are the safest people in your family, since they look like the most neutral. Why not asking them if they would like to see your cousin again? Don't just show up and ask out of nowhere, after some chatting, ask that question, so that they don't feel that you already have something radical in mind. Then based on their answers you should investigate your cousin's opinion on the subject, but be more careful there... Because it is already talking to one side of the family... Wait for the moment your conversation theme moves to your family problem and softly get to the meeting theme. Maybe questions such as "What do you think about our grandparents taking care of you and missing you?" In the middle of the chat would suit nice, IF they are related to the topic. If both your grandparents and cousin have a similar opinion, slowly induce the meeting. Sorry if my ideas suck, but as a social inadequate guy, my schemes about these problems are usually of a slow approach nature. Good luck!

 

[DJ Luigi]

Sounds like my sister I would say yes to visiting the G-Parents, from what you said it sounds like she's felt estranged from the family. Not having that kind of support can really hurt, especially at a young age. If its in her nature to lie, it's also in her nature to have loved ones to lean on when times are rough, and your grandparents sound like a big part of her life.

 

[Lady Imp]

Pathological liar or not, she is still your grandparents grandchild, and they have every right to see your cousin and want to see her. I understand you wanting to protect them, but I would like to think that people who are that age have been around enough and are capable of making their own decisions (I would take it I'm correct in assuming that they're totally sane and don't have any mental disability of their own). However, if she does screw up and you are left to pick up the pieces, what are you truly more worried about: your grandparents pain, or the fact that you're left with a mess?

 

[Uther Pundragon]

People can give you advice all day and night long, Anouck, but just follow what your heart and mind tell you. It is sometimes best to follow your own feelings instead of the advice of others. If something were to go not the way you hoped, you may regret or come to have disdain for the person whose advice you took. It is hard to predict the future. Sometimes things simply don't work out for the best. Sometimes they do. You either act, react, or do nothing. In the end we all have to live with what we choose to do and even doing nothing is a choice. Look to yourself and a path will show itself to you. In the end only you can do what you feel is right or best.

 

[Lady Imp]

People can give you advice all day and night long, Anouck, but just follow what your heart and mind tell you. It is sometimes best to follow your own feelings instead of the advice of others. If something were to go not the way you hoped, you may regret or come to have disdain for the person whose advice you took. It is hard to predict the future. Sometimes things simply don't work out for the best. Sometimes they do. You either act, react, or do nothing. In the end we all have to live with what we choose to do and even doing nothing is a choice. Look to yourself and a path will show itself to you. In the end only you can do what you feel is right or best.

Uthy is good, Uthy is wise.

 

[Hargood]

What Uthy Said.

...Also know that sometimes someone who is a Pathalogical liar is due to attention deficit or even bad attention when they where young. Sometimes it does help a person when they get to spend some time with someone that loves them no matter what they say are make up, like a Father, or Mother ...or a Good Set of Grandparents. However, if the situation is Toxic, well it's just Toxic.

..I feel sorry for everyone in this situation of yours. It's one of those filled with easily answered question that everyone can be too afraid to do.

 

[Darkholme]

It sounds to me like everyone besides yourself and your cousin are over 18. If they want contact with her they can act like the adults they are and initiate it. Putting you in the middle and making you feel like it's your job to save the family is childish behavior. Everyone else is an adult and should take action if they want things changed. You're 17, be selfish and immature and look out for your emotional health. You may only have a short time longer to be living for yourself, enjoy it. You deserve a stress-free and calm childhood(sorry if that term offends) and your grandparents shouldn't be putting you in such a precarious position.

Also, you choose your friends as those you are comfortable with and make you happy. You don't have to cave to the pressure to become her best buddy now. Look out for your own emotional health. I can't stress that enough. You're 17 and should not have to stress over this. Separate yourself from the situation as best you can and strive for your own happiness. There's plenty of time later in life to live for others.

 

[Rayven]

I was raised by grandparents and I take care of one in my home so I am sympathetic to wanting to protect them from the drama family can cause, especially as I have gotten older. I do it on a daily basis, shielding my grandfather from his own son. If your grandparents are of sound mind and have a peaceful life, you have a few choices.

Since you still have a relationship with them, you might be the best person to tell them about your cousin's behavior. Make sure you explain that the pathological lying isn't anything to do with how she was raised in their home. Also point out it's not something that is fixed by love. Your grandparents sound old, but not witless. They can make sense of what you're saying. Explain that you want them to know all the details because you love them and don't want to see them hurt. Approach the conversation from a stance of strong and powerful affection and connection to your grandparents. Do not approach feeling like you're revealing dirty secrets or ashamed on anyone else's behalf. My biggest fear would be your cousin preying on your grandparents' sympathies. Be vigilant.

Rather than suggest a relationship that has anything to do with a long commitment, set up a single day where your cousin can come over to share a meal with your grandparents. This will reduce the chances of your cousin being a flake. Perhaps plan it for a birthday celebration for one of your grandparents or some holiday where she wouldn't be expected to be elsewhere. In America, we have Mothers' Day and Grandparents' Day. I'm not sure if those are celebrated in your country. If the day goes well, then another day can follow. Do not make commitments on anyone else's behalf. Do not make any promises you can't keep.

My other piece of advice to you is to not burden yourself with the role of 'fixing' your family. If your entire family is not willing to accept responsibility for their flaws and mistakes, then make a sincere effort to rebuild bridges, it is never one sole person's responsibility to fix it. You can certainly position yourself as a safe contact for each family member but do not allow yourself to drown in their problems. You are a strong and vital young woman. You have absolutely no reason to let anyone slowly sap your energy.

 

[Doctor Langstrom]

As a person who has drama within her own family (who the hell doesn't, AMIRITE?) I'm the type of person to withdraw from them. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't give a damn what happens. Mainly because I couldn't be bothered. Let them all sort it out themselves and leave me out of it.

 

[Mighty Pecan Pie]

I somewhat agree on Uthy here, but Anouck asked for advice. Because always following your heart can cause lot's and lot's of trouble. What you view a good thing to do, can turn out into something bad!

Anouck came here because she doesn't know what to do.. telling her to follow her feelings doesn't always suffice, she asks for insights.

For me, I wished someone gave me the insight I needed 8 years ago, I just followed my feeling, and now I can't undo it. Now I have to continue this path, altho I don't like it, but if I change it now, I will go mental...

Anouck van Aalst, I PM'ed you. I think I could be more of help while speaking Dutch..

 

[Anouck]

Pathological liar or not, she is still your grandparents grandchild, and they have every right to see your cousin and want to see her. I understand you wanting to protect them, but I would like to think that people who are that age have been around enough and are capable of making their own decisions (I would take it I'm correct in assuming that they're totally sane and don't have any mental disability of their own). However, if she does screw up and you are left to pick up the pieces, what are you truly more worried about: your grandparents pain, or the fact that you're left with a mess?

My grandparents pain..
They've been through so much; my uncle (their son) got the whole family in financial problems. People are threatening us because they want 'their money' but I don't know about their money.

And since my grandpa and grandma miss her so much they don't think rationally. They don't hear my warnings about her being a liar like her dad. They are so happy they might see her again that they don't want to hear my warnings. :\

 

[Lady Imp]

I'm trying to make this as friendly as possible, so please forgive me if I get a little nasty. But you're making decisions for people who are of sound enough mind to make their own, and especially at your age it's uncalled for. A child should NEVER be put in the middle of family drama like this, but to be honest, I'm getting the feeling like you're putting yourself there. Given that your grandparents sound totally normal, it should be left up to them to make their decisions - and face any consequences.

Put yourself in their shoes for a minute: we're talking a child who they raised who was forcibly taken away from them. For all intents and purposes, they want to be reunited with someone they consider to be their own child. Now that they have the opportunity to reacquaint themselves with her, of course they would want to. It's tough to comprehend losing a child in that manner without going through it, but trust me as the voice of experience, it is hands-down the most painful thing you can ever go through, and over time, while the pain lessens, it never ever ever fully goes away. There's a good chance they see this as a resolution of years of pain and grief, and because of that they aren't going to listen to any advice you or anyone else gives. Humans are funky like that, they tend to disregard advice that goes against what they're valuing at the moment. While the financial situation your uncle has put them in is no doubt tough and scary, to them, losing this grandbaby very likely hurts a million times worse, and as such they want to ease off the pain of losing her by bringing them back into their lives - even if she's batplops crazy.

 

[Anouck]

I'm trying to make this as friendly as possible, so please forgive me if I get a little nasty. But you're making decisions for people who are of sound enough mind to make their own, and especially at your age it's uncalled for. A child should NEVER be put in the middle of family drama like this, but to be honest, I'm getting the feeling like you're putting yourself there. Given that your grandparents sound totally normal, it should be left up to them to make their decisions - and face any consequences.

I understand what you mean, but I don't put myself there. My uncle, aunt and father do that. My dad wants me to bring everyone back together while my aunt seems to want the opposite. Of course a child shouldn't be in the middle of this but not every family is perfect. My family is far from perfect, to be honest.

Like I said, I am the only one who has contact with both of them. Therefor everyone uses me for communication. I'm the messenger who runs from my aunt to my father and then back to my aunt. They want me to pick sides. My dad tries to force me to arrange something between my grandparents and my cousin while my aunt tries to use me for her purpose.

I wish I could say I've put myself there. That would mean I could get out of this too.

 

[Rayven]

I understand what you mean, but I don't put myself there. My uncle, aunt and father do that. My dad wants me to bring everyone back together while my aunt seems to want the opposite. Of course a child shouldn't be in the middle of this but not every family is perfect. My family is far from perfect, to be honest.

Like I said, I am the only one who has contact with both of them. Therefor everyone uses me for communication. I'm the messenger who runs from my aunt to my father and then back to my aunt. They want me to pick sides. My dad tries to force me to arrange something between my grandparents and my cousin while my aunt tries to use me for her purpose.

I wish I could say I've put myself there. That would mean I could get out of this too.

Do not be afraid to say "no". Never EVER be afraid to say NO. Agreeing to ferry messages back and forth is one thing. Forcing you do so anything is quite another.

You can absolutely have love and sympathy for your various family members. One thing you must learn is that there are very, very few things you are truly forced to do. At some level, you must still agree to do the things you do. You must take responsibility for that choice along with the consequences of the decision. You can make difficult choices with uncomfortable consequences, but always do so knowing you have thought it through and have done it on purpose. To do anything less is to deny your own power as an individual and you will begin to slide down the very slippery slope of self-diminishment.

Is your family wrong for trying to manipulate you into these situations? Absolutely. Grown ups should act like grown ups and not abuse children in this fashion. However, you are also old enough to have your own mind and your own opinions and these can not and should not be discounted. Parents are here to make sure you are safe, to teach you how to be your own woman, to help you learn where you came from and how you should handle your life in the future. As a parent of a young lady myself, I would kick the crap out of anyone who tried to put my daughter into the situation you described in your first post.

If they are not going to protect you from their uncivil behavior, you need to start protecting yourself. It's hard and unfair to do so at any time but especially when you are young and finding your way.

You can do this. You must do this for the sake of your own sanity and sanctity. Being related to people does not give them license to treat you like fodder. And thankfully, you're old enough to tell them where to stick it.

 

[Mighty Pecan Pie]

Basicly, Speak your mind against anyone! Don't fear people will judge you, they are all your family and they must respect your opinion and/or feelings! Tell them what you believe and feel! And why you believe and feel that way!