The supernatural powers of Skyrim AI

[PoisonPen]

Truly, the people who programmed Skyrim must be wizards with supernatural abilities beyond those of mere mortals, because I don't see how else they could construct an AI which has such perfect and unremitting capacity for being in precisely the wrong spot at all times.

I am awed at the way, when I actually need them, NPC followers are sprinting in place 5 minutes away against a slight hump in the landscape, yet when they are unwanted, they are unerringly two millimetres from my back, plugging up a doorway and staring at a wall while they trap me in a room with an angry troll. When I am trying to arrange decorations in my house (for the 20th time after having their locations randomly reset, or falling through solid objects, or sent flying by the thunderous impact of a nearby slice of cheese), my NPCs have the amazing ability to figure out what object I'm trying to place, and where, so that when the NPC collides with the item, the object launches out of my hands across the room with the speed and force of a supersonic cheese wheel. The way the NPCs say "HUNH?!" with the perfect inflection of infuriatingly obtuse imbecility with just a touch of aphasia and brain damage is almost as impressive.

 

[sticky runes]

gotta love my husband Farkas. If I try to be affectionate with him in our house or when we're out shopping in the market place, he'll back off saying "Hey!!!" as if I'm some kind of creepy stalker. Yes, Farkas - I'm your partner. Were you drunk when the priest married us in Riften? (probably)

Yet if I'm trying to explore an underground tomb, he'll stand in the doorway that I'm trying to get through and just stare at me. I'll be trying to barge my way past him, and he just stands there, not wanting me to leave. He does the same thing in Forsworn camps and Falmer lairs, trapping me inside a tent I've just cleared out. I think the kinky bastard only wants to get it on when there are dead bodies scattered around and the possible threat of a monster chewing on us in our sleep.

 

[Niq]

@OP -Haha your ability to sum up Bethesdda's great triumph known usually as AI is astounding!
I am forced to question the source of your adept summery... verdict - Wizard!

Well played sir.

 

[DeathWishFK]

Truly, the people who programmed Skyrim must be wizards with supernatural abilities beyond those of mere mortals, because I don't see how else they could construct an AI which has such perfect and unremitting capacity for being in precisely the wrong spot at all times.

I am awed at the way, when I actually need them, NPC followers are sprinting in place 5 minutes away against a slight hump in the landscape, yet when they are unwanted, they are unerringly two millimetres from my back, plugging up a doorway and staring at a wall while they trap me in a room with an angry troll. When I am trying to arrange decorations in my house (for the 20th time after having their locations randomly reset, or falling through solid objects, or sent flying by the thunderous impact of a nearby slice of cheese), my NPCs have the amazing ability to figure out what object I'm trying to place, and where, so that when the NPC collides with the item, the object launches out of my hands across the room with the speed and force of a supersonic cheese wheel. The way the NPCs say "HUNH?!" with the perfect inflection of infuriatingly obtuse imbecility with just a touch of aphasia and brain damage is almost as impressive.

Totally agree with you there. Well said.

 

[Wildroses]

On my first character, Vorstag decided to court her by blocking the doorway so she was trapped in her inn room at the Bee and Barb. Then, when she sprinted into him in a futile effort to get him to move (a pretty smooth way of getting a free feel, really) my finger slipped and I hit the talk button, giving him the chance to propose.

I don't think I can really critise Vorstag's methods though. She said yes, arranged the marriage, and they were married the next day. Blocking doors she's trying to get out of is probably his idea of keeping the romance in marriage.

 

[Spiral Power!]

hahaha you guys are hilarious

I've never married in Skyrim...I've...always been too busy doing stuff.

On another note however, when I was playing my summoner, this would happen constantly with anything I summoned. I thought it was bad when I was summoning an elemental or a zombie but by Shor's bearded boots! Once I started summoning two dremora, a whole new level of unabiding romance was achieved.

Having both of those hulking, finely sculpted, supernatural beings bowing to my every whim is charming for a girl. A better love story than Twilight...

Because I always kept my bound sword ready and could hit them with it to send them back to Oblivion once I was finished with them.