DdraigGwyn
Cymru
Maybe HE was the virgin!
The Inappropriate Dovahkiin
- Thread starter HowlHMS
- Start date
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
Enjoying the peace of noontide, I busied myself with stripping the corpse and altar of all valuables.
"YOU'LL MAKE A FINE RUG, CAT!"
"GUUuuhh!" was the only answer I managed to muster up as I tried not to go into acute cardiac arrest.
Two abominations had apparently shot up from the ground and were now breathing the very miasma of Oblivion into my face. Transfixing me with their baleful gaze, they advanced upon me with their weapons drawn.
I blinked and took a trembling step backwards. For the first time, I understood why people were so depressed in Skyrim.
"YOU'LL MAKE A FINE RUG, CAT!"
"GUUuuhh!" was the only answer I managed to muster up as I tried not to go into acute cardiac arrest.
Two abominations had apparently shot up from the ground and were now breathing the very miasma of Oblivion into my face. Transfixing me with their baleful gaze, they advanced upon me with their weapons drawn.
I blinked and took a trembling step backwards. For the first time, I understood why people were so depressed in Skyrim.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
Deep within my fevered brain, the fires of survival still burned. I knew that I had to live, so that I can return to my people in triumph and do victory crotch-thrusts in front of those who wished I didn't.
Screaming shrilly, I instantly went into Dovahkiin Overdrive. Sprinting towards the vile beasts, arms flailing, I landed blow after blow upon them while foaming at the mouth in bloodlust.
It was only after an hour of landing flying elbow-drops on them, that my brains finally cleared. I looked down and saw two sadly-assaulted bandits lying beneath my feet. One of them raised his good hand in supplication.
"Stop... Stop drooling on me." His eyes rolled back into his head as he breathed his last, face twisted in a death-mask of dribble and disgust.
Learn from the Great Dovahkiin. Cracking open a six-pack of skooma that you found on some random altar will result in heinous crimes and great campfire stories.
Screaming shrilly, I instantly went into Dovahkiin Overdrive. Sprinting towards the vile beasts, arms flailing, I landed blow after blow upon them while foaming at the mouth in bloodlust.
It was only after an hour of landing flying elbow-drops on them, that my brains finally cleared. I looked down and saw two sadly-assaulted bandits lying beneath my feet. One of them raised his good hand in supplication.
"Stop... Stop drooling on me." His eyes rolled back into his head as he breathed his last, face twisted in a death-mask of dribble and disgust.
Learn from the Great Dovahkiin. Cracking open a six-pack of skooma that you found on some random altar will result in heinous crimes and great campfire stories.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
Scouting out my surroundings, I came upon the bandits' camp site. Sitting pretty in the middle of all the junk, was a fat, shiny treasure chest.
I made a rude gesture, directed towards any and all Mystical Powers That Be, thinking they're so clever throwing all these non-villager rubbish at me.
I made a rude gesture, directed towards any and all Mystical Powers That Be, thinking they're so clever throwing all these non-villager rubbish at me.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
The stars were coming out when I finally arrived back in Dragon Bridge. Somewhat anti-climatically, I was greeted only by my smarmy horse, who attempted to spit at me. With my lightning-fast Dovahkiin reflexes, I yanked over a guard to use as a shield.
Leaving loud exclaimations of horror behind me, I headed for the Four Shields Tavern.
Warmth enveloped me as I entered the tavern, like stepping into the welcoming embrace of a lover. I stood there, basking in the heat of the fire.
“Ahh! Stop hugging me!” Faida slapped me.
“But wait!” I cried at her rapidly retreating back. “Don’t you want to hear about the fantastic adventures I had this afternoon?”
Faida stopped and gave me the once over. I struck a suitably heroic pose.
“Aren’t you a little short for an adventurer?”
I spent the rest of my night curled up in my bed, nursing a bottle of mead.
Leaving loud exclaimations of horror behind me, I headed for the Four Shields Tavern.
Warmth enveloped me as I entered the tavern, like stepping into the welcoming embrace of a lover. I stood there, basking in the heat of the fire.
“Ahh! Stop hugging me!” Faida slapped me.
“But wait!” I cried at her rapidly retreating back. “Don’t you want to hear about the fantastic adventures I had this afternoon?”
Faida stopped and gave me the once over. I struck a suitably heroic pose.
“Aren’t you a little short for an adventurer?”
I spent the rest of my night curled up in my bed, nursing a bottle of mead.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
Today, is the third and final day of living life as a commoner. Waking at 6 am, I broke fast with bread, venison and an entire wheel of cheese.
As planned, I will be spending the third day as a miner. I plotted out a course that will take me through Karthwasten, Kolskeggr Mine and Left Hand Mine before reaching Markarth at nightfall.
Suffused with the gentle blush of dawn, Dragon Bridge looked particularly beautiful. I suddenly felt a pang of regret at leaving this peaceful town, and mounted Frost with a heavy heart.
The charming tableau was rudely interrupted by the alarming appearance of Horgeir.
“Kthxbai!”
I kicked Frost into high gear and rode off into the sunrise, Mighty Dovahkiin style.
As planned, I will be spending the third day as a miner. I plotted out a course that will take me through Karthwasten, Kolskeggr Mine and Left Hand Mine before reaching Markarth at nightfall.
Suffused with the gentle blush of dawn, Dragon Bridge looked particularly beautiful. I suddenly felt a pang of regret at leaving this peaceful town, and mounted Frost with a heavy heart.
The charming tableau was rudely interrupted by the alarming appearance of Horgeir.
“Kthxbai!”
I kicked Frost into high gear and rode off into the sunrise, Mighty Dovahkiin style.
Nakatsu_Hime
Active Member
As a mere peasant, could you at least buy some more food / insect repellent / soap from the local traders so they have more than 750g, so I can at least sell more than a couple of items I find myself hauling overland each day!
My back hurts!!
My back hurts!!
kirak95197
Writer
Go save dem virgins
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
I wish I can, but they don't sell daily necessities at all D=. It's all Philter of True Shot and Steel Plate Armour, not insect repellent or maybe even a Potion of Cleanliness. By the Divines, it's really depressing as a mere peasant, everyone is perpetually dirty.
Neriad13
Premium Member
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
But as a Khajiit, you could just lick yourself.
I hope that Khajiits - as beings that look similar to cats but are capable of higher thinking - have evolved past licking our own genitals XD.
Neriad13
Premium Member
Hey, higher thinking doesn't remove practicality from the equation.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
I arrived at Karthwasten in a little under 2 hours, pausing only to smack around some animals along the way. Skyrim Protect Cute Animals would not have approved.
Karthwasten is considerably smaller than Dragon Bridge, a small collection of buildings centred around a patch of vegetation. Grabbing my pickaxe, I walked purposefully towards the town’s silver mine. I passed by a female orc, who scowled at me.
“I work in the mines. I hunt. Everyt-“
“Wait just a second,” I interrupted her grump. “Are you Lash? From Dushnikh Yal?”
She looked nonplussed. “Yes, how did you know of me?”
“Well,” I said. “Here. Your mother asked me to deliver this sword to you. Said that you were a total disappointment, broke her heart, and that Malacath will curse you forever.”
Leaving her staring at the sword, I continued on with a spring in my step. Not 3 hours after dawn and already ruining someone’s day, that has to be some kind of personal record.
Karthwasten is considerably smaller than Dragon Bridge, a small collection of buildings centred around a patch of vegetation. Grabbing my pickaxe, I walked purposefully towards the town’s silver mine. I passed by a female orc, who scowled at me.
“I work in the mines. I hunt. Everyt-“
“Wait just a second,” I interrupted her grump. “Are you Lash? From Dushnikh Yal?”
She looked nonplussed. “Yes, how did you know of me?”
“Well,” I said. “Here. Your mother asked me to deliver this sword to you. Said that you were a total disappointment, broke her heart, and that Malacath will curse you forever.”
Leaving her staring at the sword, I continued on with a spring in my step. Not 3 hours after dawn and already ruining someone’s day, that has to be some kind of personal record.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
Take my word on this, it's never practical to be coughing up hairballs when you have draugrs bearing down upon you XD. Doesn't do very well as projectile-based warfare either.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
By the virtue of dual wielding pickaxes, I cleared out the entire mine and bore the fruits of my labour to Ainethach. Apparently not recognizing the touch of the Awesome Dovahkiin, he offered me an audaciously low price for the silver ore.
Resisting the urge to haggle with my friend the flying fist attack, I grudgingly accepted my wage.
Oh the humanity, when my fellow men are scamming the Great Hero Dovahkiin out of his hard-earned gold instead of the other way round.
Resisting the urge to haggle with my friend the flying fist attack, I grudgingly accepted my wage.
Oh the humanity, when my fellow men are scamming the Great Hero Dovahkiin out of his hard-earned gold instead of the other way round.
Nakatsu_Hime
Active Member
Yes. I'm sure they now employ others to lick them for them.
HowlHMS
Travel ALL the places!
I... I need brain bleach.
