Skyrim Headlines

[dunklunk]

Most everyone needs or wants news. And the people of Skyrim are no different. Question is: How do they get their news? Television and radio are non-existent, so that's where Skyrim Headlines come in! We supply the news for the people, and even about the people! This thread is simple. Post headlines in reference to Skyrim. Here are a few of mine:

Ulfric voted sexiest man in Skyrim. Tullius demands recount.​

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Belethor to open his own orphanage​

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Vex caught in spanking foursome​

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Dawnstar voted least popular place to live​

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Brynjolf comes out of the closet. Women all across Skyrim heartbroken.​

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Aerin accused of voyeurism​

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Dark Brotherhood sponsors Take Your Child To Work Day program​

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Hagravens to host Miss Skyrim beauty pageant​

 

[Haru17]

Four people in Falkreath were killed by werewolves, Aela of the Companions refuses comment over dinner

Karliah caught in freaky necromancy scandal, Gallus' specter went from blue to blushing

Heimskarr loses his voice, SKyrim rejoices

 

[Hermaeus_Mora]

Pelagius' hip bone gone missing

Jarl Elisif turned into a chicken by talking staff

Hod finally sighted at the mill

Dead housecarl found at the foot of the Throat of the World. Dragonborn insists nobody said "Fus Ro Dah".

 

[bulbaquil]

Whiterun Weekly Tribune - Bringing you the hold's news and goings-on

7 Evening Star 201 - Printing invented, citizens flock to printing press to see "newspaper" being "published"
14 Evening Star 201 - Jarl Balgruuf declares "war on war"
21 Evening Star 201 - Jarl Balgruuf's children found playing with mysterious dremora-like creature at 1 a.m.
28 Evening Star 201 - Jarl Balgruuf passes new "libel law"
4 Morning Star 202 - Guard drops dead at entrance to city, apparently having fallen
11 Morning Star 202 - Local entrepreneur invents "polling"
18 Morning Star 202 - Polls show 50% of city Imperial, 50% Stormcloak
25 Morning Star 202 - Polls show 98% of city wants Heimskr dead
1 Sun's Dawn 202 - Polls show 9% of city thinks Whiterun is "a skeeverhole of a city"
8 Sun's Dawn 202 - Bosmer millworker randomly quits job to follow Dragonborn around
15 Sun's Dawn 202 - Dragon attacks Rorikstead; despite flammability of roofs, no property damage
22 Sun's Dawn 202 - Dragon attacks Rorikstead again
1 First Seed 202 - Dragonborn kills dragon that keeps attacking Rorikstead
8 First Seed 202 - Belethor arrested on suspicion of skooma possession
15 First Seed 202 - Single wolf attacks Riverwood; Sven dies
22 First Seed 202 - Polls show 105% of city thinks Sven wasn't that great anyway
29 First Seed 202 - Stormcloak troops amass near Valtheim Towers; Galmar Stone-Fist insists "just a training exercise"
5 Rain's Hand 202 - Jarl Balgruuf invites Legion troops into city
12 Rain's Hand 202 - Whiterun Weekly Tribune promoted to Whiterun Weekly Legate
19 Rain's Hand 202 - Gate guard: Warriors from Hammerfell have "curved swords"
26 Rain's Hand 202 - (96 point) ATTACKED! (subheading) Stormcloaks invade Whiterun, oust Balgruuf, Vignar Gray-Mane is new Jarl
3 Second Seed 202 - Whiterun Weekly Legate renamed Whiterun Weekly Liberator
10 Second Seed 202 - SCANDAL: Battle-Born burglaries remain uninvestigated
17 Second Seed 202 - Liberator lead editor arrested on suspicion of libel
24 Second Seed 202 - Dragonborn kills Heimskr; city rejoices; Dragonborn is arrested anyway
31 Second Seed 202 - Idolaf Battle-Born arrested on suspicion that he is actually a Khajiit
7 Mid-Year 202 - Horrific heat wave in Whiterun Hold: could the Falmer be behind it?
14 Mid-Year 202 - Dragonborn massacres half of city for no apparent reason
21 Mid-Year 202 - Sun disappears for some reason
28 Mid-Year 202 - 40% say vampires behind disappearance of sun; 32% say Falmer; 28% say Stormcloaks
5 Sun's Height 202 - Jarl Vignar hikes taxes on 28% of Whiterun households
12 Sun's Height 202 - Sigurd announces that he works for Be||||||| *game freezes*

 

[Xivia4]

Heimskarr loses his voice, SKyrim rejoices

If only this were true.

 

[MyNameIsJon]

*** Albertus Einsteinius invents atom bomb ***

 

[Clevdawg15]

NEW NEIGHBORHOOD GAME: "THE ARROW TO KNEE CHALLENGE"​

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Do you have the strength to remain an adventurer or will you become a city guard? ​

 

[KritikalPT]

The Dragonborn muders a chicken and goes to jail. Skyrim sighs.

Nazeem becomes public enemy #1 of Whiterun

Mila Valentia dies at the age of 16. The number of confirmed cases of scurvy rises.

Heimsk is killed in an accident involving the cutting of the Gildergreen. Three other people were hurt, but have recovered.

The Dragonborn marries a Hagraven. The Temple of Mara burns down after an accident.

 

[IpmaN]

Skyrim's Goat Population Diclining, Invades path to Throat of the World!

 

[Squirrel_killer-]

17th of Last Seed - Dragonborn slays Alduin
19th of Last Seed - Dragonborn slays Ulfric
25th of Last Seed - Emperor found naked murdered on his own ship
26th of Last Seed - Dragonborn seen in Dawnstar wearing the Emperor's stolen robes
31st of Last Seed - Khajiit caravans have more goods than ever before
4th of Hearthfire - Dragons are still on the incline is there no escape?

 

[Clevdawg15]

ATTACK​

An unkillable child army has amassed at Whiterun. General Braith ordered the massacre of all people that would not surrender and lick Jarl Bulgruuf's boots ( as proposed by Captain Nelkir)​

 

[ChiefScalyNipples]

I heard all of these from a Nord Herald in Solitude....

WHITERUN'S COURT WIZARD WAS ARRESTED FOR KILLING THE JARL'S SON, NELKIR. GOOD NEWS FOR US, BAD NEWS FOR THE JARL.

THE ARGONIAN MINER DERKEETHUS HAS BEEN RESCUED FROM DARKWATER PASS.

A FALMER HAD SEX WITH A HAGRAVEN AND PRODUCED AN ABOMINATION OF AN OFFSPRING, IT IS NOW CONFINED IN WINDHELMS JAIL, TO NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY..

YSOLDA OF WHITERUN IS VOTED THE HOTTEST CHICK IN SKYRIM!

THE DRAGONBORN IS IN JAIL FOR SELLING SKOOMA TO CHILDREN.

GRELKA OF RIFTEN HAS COMMITED SUICIDE, BUT NOBODY GIVES A SKEEVER'S ASS BECAUSE SHE'S A STUPID BITCH.

THE DAWNGUARD HAVE KILLED SYBILLE STENTOR, THE COURT WIZARD OF SOLITUDE, BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY WAS A VAMPIRE.

YOLO IS BULLplops, IF YOU GO TO THE COLLEGE OF WINTERHOLD, YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE LIFETIME FROM WHAT YOU LEARN THERE.

 

[bulbaquil]

BREAKING NEWS - 10th of Second Seed, 4E 206

Braith officially reaches age of adulthood, killed by rampaging mob. Parents are only mourners.

 

[Arthur Swift-Sword]

10th of Frostfall. 4E.

Alduin killed by Dragonborn. Dragonborn receives endorsement deals featuring Dragonslayer deodorant.

 

[Arthur Swift-Sword]

Dragonslayer Deodorant.

Dont Shout. Dont Pout.
Dragonslayer Deodorant.
Is What Its all about.

 

[KritikalPT]

24th of Second Seed
The Jarls of Whiterun, Solitude, Markarth and Windhelm have placed a bounty of 1000 gold on the Dragonborn. When interrogated, Jarl Balgruuf said: "After the dragon crysis being dealt with by the Dragonborn, he spent his time shouting at my tables, sending everything flying." Jarl Ulfric added: "It's hard to plan for a civil war when you have a plate flying towards you." Unfortunately, Jarl Igmund couldn't speak due to having a fork impaled in his throat and several shards of broken glass on his torso and left arm.

25th of Second Seed
Several townsfolk were killed by the Dragonborn, 15 in total. Strangely, all died with an arrow in the head, with an apple besides them. A survivor was eventually found, however, he was extremely nervous. After calming down slightly, he said: "I don't know why it happened! I was chopping some wood, suddenly I heard a shout, and he was right besides me! Right away, he told me to stand still, placed an apple on him head and said to not move because he would hate to miss."

28th of Second Seed
The Dragonborn was finally caught! He was turning people into, as the locals say, "ice statues". Before he could be sent into Whiterun's dungeon, it was possible to have a chat, albeit brief, with him. All he said was: "I was bored".

 

[Arthur Swift-Sword]

Tamriel Weakly: Now playing in a stage near you! The Fus Ro DAH Vinci Code.

Now Playing in Imax and 3Dawnguard

 

[Janus3003]

STUDIES SAY THAT BANDITRY LEADS TO INSANITY
The shocking discovery that virtually all bandits hear imaginary arrows!

HIGH KING TORYGG HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS.
Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the High King?

JARL ULFRIC GIVES SPEECH
Last Morndas morning, when asked how he would like his eggs, Jarl Ulfric began an unsolicited hour-long speech on the subjects of freedom and justice.
His egg preferences remain undetermined.

 

[HelloMyNameIsEd]

INTRODUCING: THE NONSTICK DWEMER POT!
Protects cranium from arrows and warhammers. Also heats stew.

MAMMOTH MIGRATION SEASON SAFETY TIPS
During this time of year, mammoths have the tendency to levitate high up into the air, and sometimes also plummet to the ground. Our featured article: Mammoth Umbrellas! Never worry about getting crushed by flying mammoths again!

GUARDS RAID WAR-MAIDEN'S, FIND WEAPONS
Guards have found a whole stockpile of weapons in the store called War-Maiden's, in Whiterun. What they planned to do with them, the guards claimed not to know. The owners are being put on trail for weapon possession.

SWEPT AWAY!
Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak weeps as his beloved shrubbery had been taken away by a terrible windstorm. The effect may be traumatic.

 

[FrostedPink]

Dragonborn: Hero or Zero?

It has lately come to this reporter's attention that our seemingly heroic Dragonborn may not be heroic at all. A Giant, who wishes to remain anonymous, is quoted as saying,"Everytime dragonborn come over hill, dragonborn flees and poops pants."

When questioned, Dragonborn declined to comment.