Thanks for the rep red. It scares me. Something I want and don't think I can have.
Secrets. Boy do I love them. I say this in a sarcastic tone in reality because the epiphany of my issues is the secrets I have that I KNOW I need to share but can't. First off, yeah I hear voices in my head. One male and one female. My counselors back when I was in High School said they were created as a "self-defense mechanism". Shocking, 11-12 years of physical and mental abuse (Elementary to High School) created a person who is more mentally unstable than *Insert Psychotic/Sociopath person here*? No way.
Secrets. Boy do I love them. I say this in a sarcastic tone in reality because the epiphany of my issues is the secrets I have that I KNOW I need to share but can't. First off, yeah I hear voices in my head. One male and one female. My counselors back when I was in High School said they were created as a "self-defense mechanism". Shocking, 11-12 years of physical and mental abuse (Elementary to High School) created a person who is more mentally unstable than *Insert Psychotic/Sociopath person here*? No way.
Now, the problem with today's society is how quickly you are labeled. Yeah I have mental problems. Anti-Social Personality Disorder here...Chronic Depression there...so on and so forth. I cry a lot, surprised my pillow does not say aloud "MAKE ME INTO A SPONGE YOU WHORE.". Back on topic though, you mention even once you are mentally fluffed up and they ALL get super paranoid and worried. Not every unstable person wants to go to *Insert place here* and rip out *Insert firearm here* and make a reinvention of Call of Duty: pl*** Got Real.
But I can't. I can't tell anyone how mentally I am hurt. They all make jokes about how I have no friends ( my mother's new husband included) and how I need to get out of the house. As well as my last ex was an abusive bitch (mind you I am a "lesbian") who said I was ugly and had no friends. Do you people not understand how demoralizing and mentally crippling your words are? Sure we can sit here and discuss the metaphorical reasoning behind the "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." theory but if they say those words enough it becomes a sick game of psychological warfare.
So here I am, sitting in my room daily. I hate the outside, my "experience" with it has included but not limited to, getting beaten up (by girls and guys), being chained to the front of a boat by the entire street of kids I use to live on when I was younger, being forced to sit alone at lunch in High School, getting ditched at prom, picked on by my entire class of 2012 it seems, everyone keeping a desk empty around me, laughing at me when they notice bad things happen and I could go on and write a ****ing book about more.
Now I don't talk about it to people about my issues for multiple reasons, one of them was stated in the first paragraph. The second is the fact that "most" people don't understand how to handle such an issue. My family has a lot of physical heredity issues but I am the first with a mental problem that I keep hidden. They all use the "get over it, it will heal and pass" bullcrap I hear plenty. You can't do that people! No, you can't hook me on drugs either because I became adept at resisting almost every drug out there including Adderal and Ridalin back when I had ADHD. Oh and when I tell "some" people a little piece of my problem, they all think I am just looking for attention. You sir, are an idiot. Moving on...
Sure, my life ain't as pl*** compared to say that kid in another country who got his arm chopped off because he did not mine enough diamonds. Or that kid who lost his father in 9/11 or whatever the sad story. But for **** sakes people. People can and WILL say "well you had your life easy, you had food and shelter" and so on. Yeah true, I can go with that but in an American society only, I am not sure how much more I can stand this. But I will say nothing...I will go to my college classes alone, walk alone, eat alone and statistically 84% chance of dying alone and that was with some generous rounding down. But it is okay...I will be okay. I will be here with my now "pillow sponge", my voices in my mind on the verge of breaking and the one day hoping I can close my eyes and have it all be over.
PS: Sorry if my thoughts seem all over this post. It is 3:07AM and I wanted to just say how I felt.
hang in there mate. Your brother sounds like a dick but never forget, sooner or later the penny drops for all of us, he'll come good eventually. He's just young and will make all those fluffed up mistakes that us men make when growing up. He's got a good role model in you and will no doubt need a cool head like yours around him as he trudges through his next few years. Good luck mate.Alright, I seriously need to get this off my chest, and since this thread is the place to rage, fluff it, I'm bringin it!
My family, as some of you have figured out, is seriously messed up. If I could in good conscience walk away from them all and never speak to/interact with them again, I would. However, despite their individual issues, a few of them do love me and have done mostly right by me. My Little brother is not one of those family members.
Since we were little, my little brother has beaten the pl*ps out of me. I know, I know, I'm the older brother, stand up for myself. I did, and do, but when I was little I was a very frail, sick kid O.K.? He ALWAYS won the fights. Most of the fights were because he was jealous of the attention that I got, but I got it because I was sick and frail and basically helpless until I was about 10. What the hell was there to be jealous about!?!?!? I never understood it, but as soon as my parents started basically ignoring us, he found other reasons to fight. At that point I was pretty much taking care of him and I swore that I would never hurt him. All of our fights since then have involved me doing my best to stop the fight without injuring him. When I got a little older and discovered my natural ability with knives and willingness to use them, this became especially important. Needless to say, I've never injured him.
When we were in Jr. High, he started down a self destructive and drug addicted path that made him who he is today. He has ceased to truly care about anyone in our family. I mean he cares, but he cares about himself and his getting high more. Nothing is ever his fault, he takes no responsinility and expects us to treat him like the world revolves around him. He is a self centered, arrogant, spiteful, self destructive, person who has done nothing for me except hurt me, steal from me, destroy my things(that I worked to earn), and hurt people that I actually care about. Despite all of this, I actually still acted like he was my brother until earlier this year.
In march, my sister(EXTREMELY close friend, not blood related) was visiting, and my little brother was far from stable due to his current drug of choice(some pl*** called spice that really fluffs with your head). I kicked him out of the hangout spot in our backyard in order to have a small party back there. He, in his current drug haze, went into my room, and attempted to destroy my pride and joy: my computer. While he didn't have the sense at the time to actually damage the tower, he shattered my touch screen monitor and put holes through both of my speakers. I harbored a bit of a grudge, and a few weeks later when I called him on it, he attacked me and broke three of my ribs. I didn't fight back, I let him wear out, then put a hole in my door because I refused to hurt him. Our neighbors called the police and when they got there I was put in cuffs. My brother was looking at assault as a minor, which would disappear from his record when he got off probation after he turned 18. I was looking at Domestic Violence Assault as an adult, which is a violent crime that would follow me the rest of my life. My mother refused to press charges, and we both got off the hook. I did not go to the hospital due to an extreme(almost phobia level) fear of hospitals, and as a result two of my ribs have healed in a normal looking but painful way. These two incidents were my wakeup call.
Since then I have disowned the little bastard and refuse to interact with him in any way shape or form, but I do not let him rule my life. If I know my brother will be somewhere I may avoid it, but I don't leave if he shows up. I ignore him, I do not speak to him, I do not touch him, I do not acknowledge his existence. It's not because I hold a grudge, it's for my own protection and well-being. Anyways, earlier today he started a huge argument at my house with my mother and indirectly, but purposefully, accused me of being a tweaker(meth-head for those of you who don't know) based purely on the grounds that he doesn't know why I'm not speaking to him. Anyways he got thrown out, and life moved on. Just a little bit ago I was walking through my neighborhood and he was making out with a cute girl that I've been trying to get to know(needless to say, I won't be taking it further now), and he said very loudly to her so that I could hear, "That's my brother." Between the earlier insult and my unjustified anger that he was with her, I flipped him the bird in my natural armswing. I didn't raise my hand, or face it directly at him, but he noticed and started talking pl*** trying to start a fight. I kept on walking but am now thoroughly angry at myself for responding at all. All of the progress of the last few months, gone, just like that. Honestly, my next 3 weeks til I move, are going to be HELL.
I hate the little prick. He has directly contributed to my last 5 years of contribution more times than any other person, and even though I steel myself to him, he STILL gets under my skin.
Sorry for the massive wall of text, just had to try and get it all out. I'm still not satisfied, but I just don't have more to say.
I nearly cut myself last night...
I just had this pair of scissors in my hands after using them, and I just stared at them, then at the blades... and just thought about opening them up and sliding them across my wrist. I ended up shoving them back into my pencil case, where I couldn't see them... but I'm still shaking from it, even now...
I nearly cut myself last night...
I just had this pair of scissors in my hands after using them, and I just stared at them, then at the blades... and just thought about opening them up and sliding them across my wrist. I ended up shoving them back into my pencil case, where I couldn't see them... but I'm still shaking from it, even now...