Janus3003
Skyrim Marriage Counselor
I'm a huge fan of unintentional comedy, as much as I may groan and facepalm at it at times. Amateur writing can be a great source of it. I'd like us all to share some of the worst things we've seen in fiction, though it'd be best to do it without publicly shaming the author, so no names or links, please.
I'll kick us off with some things I've seen in Legend of Zelda fanfiction (though it won't require knowledge of the games)
-Zelda becomes Queen and spends all her time pining for her lost love, the hero Link. And I really mean it when I say "all her time." We're supposed to hate the people who try to overthrow her, but honestly, she was so useless in this story that I really couldn't blame the rebels.
---Same story, both of Zelda's legs are broken during the coup. A few paragraphs later (probably just a few minutes in story time), we're informed that she tried to move, "but couldn't because her legs were still broken" (emphasis mine).
---Same story, Link and Zelda are reunited, and Link informs Zelda that he wouldn't have cared if everyone in the kingdom died so long as she still lived. She's touched by this and thinks it's so sweet that he was willing to sacrifice the whole kingdom for her. This is already quite psychotic of both of them, but remember that this is the frickin' Queen talking.
---One of the villains in this story (specifically Marth from Fire Emblem) rapes young boys. If memory serves correctly, Link kills him by stabbing him up the butt.
-Ganondorf (the main villain) goes to check out some plot related stuff. His method of transportation across the plains? Running. It's hard to take a villain seriously when you imagine him in track shorts.
-We're informed that Zelda generally smells like daisies. Link reflects that during his quest to rescue Zelda, he would roll around in daisies whenever he missed her. He was nineteen at the time. Having been a nineteen-year-old male myself, and having known many other nineteen-year-old boys, I strongly suggest that this is highly irregular male behavior.
---Same story, Link slaps a guy for disappearing for a day or two. Again, highly irregular male behavior.
---Same story, Link gives another guy a handshake and a pat on the arm. The author informs us that this is "the highest honor among men."
---Same story, Link and Zelda share a bed for two years without once ever having sex (or even coming close to it, so far as I could tell).
-Link's dad makes a joke at his wife's expense, and she lightly swats him on the head with a frying pan. I can't think of any way to swat your spouse with a frying pan and not be considered abuse.
---Same author, different story- Zelda "playfully" swats Link on the arm. Repeatedly. We're informed that he's getting a bruise from all the swatting.
-One fanfic was all about different "kisses" Link and Zelda accidentally have. I remember two:
1) Masquerade ball where one stumbles into the other, they fall to the floor, their faces crash hard enough that their masks break and their lips meet. I'm trying to work out how there were no injuries involved.
2) Zelda nearly drowns, and Link performs CPR. Firstly, mouth-to-mouth breathing is not romantic in the slightest, I don't care what form of media tries to portray it otherwise. Secondly, he pushes on her stomach instead of her chest, so she really should have died.
-Link is horribly injured in a fight (with an OC villainess who could lose a lot more blood than humanly possible without any hint that there was something that made her stronger than most), and he’s bleeding out quickly. Without binding him up or anything, Zelda puts him on a horse and they ride across the country back to the castle for medical care. Link somehow survives all of this.
-Link is fighting a bunch of people and trying to protect his friends Talon and Malon (hooray, Nintendo naming conventions). A bad guy stabs Talon and starts twisting the blade and whatnot. Malon wants to run and save her father, but Link holds her back for… some reason. The scene wasn’t exactly clear as to what made it dangerous for either of them to run and stop this guy, so I’m forced to conclude that Link simply wanted Talon to die horribly (and he wanted Malon to watch. What a dick).
---The same story often described blood as “shattering,” and Link once slices a guy’s leg open, drops his sword, grabs the guy’s leg, and starts pulling on it. I remember rereading that description, and yeah, that’s exactly what happened.
As for some other stories:
-EverQuest fanfic- paladin rescues his girlfriend from a dark elf brothel. He’s not particularly subtle in his breaking, entering, and stabbing, but gets away with it because “apparently people were used to hearing screams around here.”
---Story ends with the paladin making some speech about how stopping the orcs is not enough, but they must continue and wipe out the dark elves, ogres, etc. You know, genocide. We’re supposed to agree with him.
---Discontinued sequel featured the paladin running into battle and reflecting on the past year or so. Specifically, he thinks about his wedding night. We learn that his wife “apparently had more skills than tracking and fighting.” Glad that she’s a well fleshed out character (and he’s thinking of all this during a big fight).
-One trend I’ve seen with stories based on RPGs (be they MMOs or tabletop) is the author throwing a crapton of named characters in there without bothering to explain who they are and why we should care. I’ve always figured it’s the result of, “I wanna put my alts and my friends’ characters in the story!”
-An author once started some of her chapters with, “Hey, guys, _____ is going to happen later on. You can skip it if you want. You won’t miss anything plotwise.”
---Same author honestly did a decent job with character development (for the most part). Then came the final chapter where she told all her readers that she doesn’t like happy endings (despite the story being set up really well for one) and sacrificed character development for an ambiguous, bittersweet (more bitter) ending.
-In a short story class, one student described two characters: “a large Lebanese man” and his companion, “a simple Caucasian.” Our teacher asked what the heck “a simple Caucasian” is supposed to mean, and his final draft changed it to… “an ordinary Caucasian.”
-Another student wrote about some ecological utopia called Neo Terra, and our protagonist remembers her lessons in school about some horrid land called… America, and how they destroyed all the trees and ate meat and she was so happy she didn’t live in America. I’m totally cool with stories having a message, but when the reader imagines the author sitting in a chair next to them and lecturing, something has gone wrong.
---Our protagonist later had the marvelous insight that roses, while beautiful, have thorns.
---Quoth the protagonist, “I promise I’ll never become a rose, Jack!”
So, what unintentionally funny mistakes have you found?
I'll kick us off with some things I've seen in Legend of Zelda fanfiction (though it won't require knowledge of the games)
-Zelda becomes Queen and spends all her time pining for her lost love, the hero Link. And I really mean it when I say "all her time." We're supposed to hate the people who try to overthrow her, but honestly, she was so useless in this story that I really couldn't blame the rebels.
---Same story, both of Zelda's legs are broken during the coup. A few paragraphs later (probably just a few minutes in story time), we're informed that she tried to move, "but couldn't because her legs were still broken" (emphasis mine).
---Same story, Link and Zelda are reunited, and Link informs Zelda that he wouldn't have cared if everyone in the kingdom died so long as she still lived. She's touched by this and thinks it's so sweet that he was willing to sacrifice the whole kingdom for her. This is already quite psychotic of both of them, but remember that this is the frickin' Queen talking.
---One of the villains in this story (specifically Marth from Fire Emblem) rapes young boys. If memory serves correctly, Link kills him by stabbing him up the butt.
-Ganondorf (the main villain) goes to check out some plot related stuff. His method of transportation across the plains? Running. It's hard to take a villain seriously when you imagine him in track shorts.
-We're informed that Zelda generally smells like daisies. Link reflects that during his quest to rescue Zelda, he would roll around in daisies whenever he missed her. He was nineteen at the time. Having been a nineteen-year-old male myself, and having known many other nineteen-year-old boys, I strongly suggest that this is highly irregular male behavior.
---Same story, Link slaps a guy for disappearing for a day or two. Again, highly irregular male behavior.
---Same story, Link gives another guy a handshake and a pat on the arm. The author informs us that this is "the highest honor among men."
---Same story, Link and Zelda share a bed for two years without once ever having sex (or even coming close to it, so far as I could tell).
-Link's dad makes a joke at his wife's expense, and she lightly swats him on the head with a frying pan. I can't think of any way to swat your spouse with a frying pan and not be considered abuse.
---Same author, different story- Zelda "playfully" swats Link on the arm. Repeatedly. We're informed that he's getting a bruise from all the swatting.
-One fanfic was all about different "kisses" Link and Zelda accidentally have. I remember two:
1) Masquerade ball where one stumbles into the other, they fall to the floor, their faces crash hard enough that their masks break and their lips meet. I'm trying to work out how there were no injuries involved.
2) Zelda nearly drowns, and Link performs CPR. Firstly, mouth-to-mouth breathing is not romantic in the slightest, I don't care what form of media tries to portray it otherwise. Secondly, he pushes on her stomach instead of her chest, so she really should have died.
-Link is horribly injured in a fight (with an OC villainess who could lose a lot more blood than humanly possible without any hint that there was something that made her stronger than most), and he’s bleeding out quickly. Without binding him up or anything, Zelda puts him on a horse and they ride across the country back to the castle for medical care. Link somehow survives all of this.
-Link is fighting a bunch of people and trying to protect his friends Talon and Malon (hooray, Nintendo naming conventions). A bad guy stabs Talon and starts twisting the blade and whatnot. Malon wants to run and save her father, but Link holds her back for… some reason. The scene wasn’t exactly clear as to what made it dangerous for either of them to run and stop this guy, so I’m forced to conclude that Link simply wanted Talon to die horribly (and he wanted Malon to watch. What a dick).
---The same story often described blood as “shattering,” and Link once slices a guy’s leg open, drops his sword, grabs the guy’s leg, and starts pulling on it. I remember rereading that description, and yeah, that’s exactly what happened.
As for some other stories:
-EverQuest fanfic- paladin rescues his girlfriend from a dark elf brothel. He’s not particularly subtle in his breaking, entering, and stabbing, but gets away with it because “apparently people were used to hearing screams around here.”
---Story ends with the paladin making some speech about how stopping the orcs is not enough, but they must continue and wipe out the dark elves, ogres, etc. You know, genocide. We’re supposed to agree with him.
---Discontinued sequel featured the paladin running into battle and reflecting on the past year or so. Specifically, he thinks about his wedding night. We learn that his wife “apparently had more skills than tracking and fighting.” Glad that she’s a well fleshed out character (and he’s thinking of all this during a big fight).
-One trend I’ve seen with stories based on RPGs (be they MMOs or tabletop) is the author throwing a crapton of named characters in there without bothering to explain who they are and why we should care. I’ve always figured it’s the result of, “I wanna put my alts and my friends’ characters in the story!”
-An author once started some of her chapters with, “Hey, guys, _____ is going to happen later on. You can skip it if you want. You won’t miss anything plotwise.”
---Same author honestly did a decent job with character development (for the most part). Then came the final chapter where she told all her readers that she doesn’t like happy endings (despite the story being set up really well for one) and sacrificed character development for an ambiguous, bittersweet (more bitter) ending.
-In a short story class, one student described two characters: “a large Lebanese man” and his companion, “a simple Caucasian.” Our teacher asked what the heck “a simple Caucasian” is supposed to mean, and his final draft changed it to… “an ordinary Caucasian.”
-Another student wrote about some ecological utopia called Neo Terra, and our protagonist remembers her lessons in school about some horrid land called… America, and how they destroyed all the trees and ate meat and she was so happy she didn’t live in America. I’m totally cool with stories having a message, but when the reader imagines the author sitting in a chair next to them and lecturing, something has gone wrong.
---Our protagonist later had the marvelous insight that roses, while beautiful, have thorns.
---Quoth the protagonist, “I promise I’ll never become a rose, Jack!”
So, what unintentionally funny mistakes have you found?