Confessions: I Need to Start Treating Women Better (I'll never be an asskisser or a delusional)

[Pretty Vampires]

I need to become a better person. BUT I'll never let anyone take control of my life. NEVER.

Most of my resentment against women is because when I was 5 a teenage girl molested me even though I continually told her no. I really hate it when people take away my freedom and try to control me, and it feels like every time I get close to women that they'll just try to control my life.

I don't hate women, but am afraid to get too close in fear that my feelings will be hurt sometime later.

Got that off my chest.

 

[AS88]

It's good that you've got stuff like that out of your system, you'll feel better for it.

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and she's my first serious gf. If I ever notice something isn't right, I always take a second and think, she's a person too, what would I think if I saw ... through her eyes. That sort of perspective can help with anything in life, and I think it's something you could use.

If you tell a prospective girlfriend (if this is a concern of yours) that certain things have happened and it's had an effect on you, you might be surprised how much of a difference it can make, and people will make allowances for you. Getting things out in the open and accounted for is much easier than bottling things up.

 

[Pretty Vampires]

I don't think I'll ever tell any woman I plan on having a relationship with.

I already tried telling my mother and other women in my family, but they just laugh at me.

I've never been in a serious relationship before. There were girls I liked but once I felt like we were getting too close I'd just delete their phone number and never talk to them again. I probably shouldn't do that anymore.

 

[AS88]

I don't think I'll ever tell any woman I plan on having a relationship with.

I already tried telling my mother and other women in my family, but they just laugh at me.

I've never been in a serious relationship before. There were girls I liked but once I felt like we were getting too close I'd just delete their phone number and never talk to them again. I probably shouldn't do that anymore.

Give them a chance, man. If they're right for you they'll accept it and try to help you

 

[Anouck]

I've never been in a serious relationship before. There were girls I liked but once I felt like we were getting too close I'd just delete their phone number and never talk to them again. I probably shouldn't do that anymore.

I don't know you so I won't judge you either. But you remind me of myself.

I have a fear of commitment and separation anxiety. I'm always afraid people will let me down or hurt my feelings since that happened a lot when I was younger. When I was 11 I didn't dare to go a friend's house because I was afraid my mom would never pick me up again.
When I got older I tried to avoid relationships. Whenever someone liked me I ignored them because I was afraid they would hurt my feelings. I got criticized a lot when I was younger so I couldn't imagine someone would like me or even love me. I still get scared sometimes when people flirt with me. I'm sometimes afraid I'm getting manipulated.
It seems so much easier to ignore people. If you don't love a person they can't hurt you. If you don't have a relationship they can't leave you. If you don't expect anything from anyone no one will disappoint you.

... But I changed. I made new friends, joined a few forums and talked with people online from all over the world. Some of the members here even became close friends of mine. Giving people a chance can be difficult but not everyone out there wants to hurt you. And it is worth it

 

[AS88]

I don't know you so I won't judge you either. But you remind me of myself.

I have a fear of commitment and separation anxiety. I'm always afraid people will let me down or hurt my feelings since that happened a lot when I was younger. When I was 11 I didn't dare to go a friend's house because I was afraid my mom would never pick me up again.
When I got older I tried to avoid relationships. Whenever someone liked me I ignored them because I was afraid they would hurt my feelings. I got criticized a lot when I was younger so I couldn't imagine someone would like me or even love me. I still get scared sometimes when people flirt with me. I'm sometimes afraid I'm getting manipulated.
It seems so much easier to ignore people. If you don't love a person they can't hurt you. If you don't have a relationship they can't leave you. If you don't expect anything from anyone no one will disappoint you.

... But I changed. I made new friends, joined a few forums and talked with people online from all over the world. Some of the members here even became close friends of mine. Giving people a chance can be difficult but not everyone out there wants to hurt you. And it is worth it

While we're on the topic of you, I'd like to say that your English, as a 17 year old, is better than a lot of the people my age (I'm 22) who actually are English. So, well done

 

[Pretty Vampires]

I don't know you so I won't judge you either. But you remind me of myself.

I have a fear of commitment and separation anxiety. I'm always afraid people will let me down or hurt my feelings since that happened a lot when I was younger. When I was 11 I didn't dare to go a friend's house because I was afraid my mom would never pick me up again.
When I got older I tried to avoid relationships. Whenever someone liked me I ignored them because I was afraid they would hurt my feelings. I got criticized a lot when I was younger so I couldn't imagine someone would like me or even love me. I still get scared sometimes when people flirt with me. I'm sometimes afraid I'm getting manipulated.
It seems so much easier to ignore people. If you don't love a person they can't hurt you. If you don't have a relationship they can't leave you. If you don't expect anything from anyone no one will disappoint you.

... But I changed. I made new friends, joined a few forums and talked with people online from all over the world. Some of the members here even became close friends of mine. Giving people a chance can be difficult but not everyone out there wants to hurt you. And it is worth it

You grew up in a religious home? I did. Mother is a fanatic. Showed me videos of people getting burned alive when I was a child, people in cages, etc. It was gruesome. I used to cry a lot when I was 12-13, because I couldn't get the images out of my head. All the screams, and burning of flesh. She convinced me that hell was real, and if I died with any sin, I would go there. I almost went insane. I would spend hours praying for God to forgive me for turning the light switch off the wrong way my mother told me, a frequent occurrence.

It took time, but I had to disconnect from everyone for a few years. Everyone said "you need to get out, and make friends again", but I wasn't emotionally prepared for that. I needed time for myself, to sort out all of the insanity. I had no desire for friends, or hobbies. All I wanted was to sort things out in my mind.

 

[Anouck]

You grew up in a religious home? I did. Mother is a fanatic. Showed me videos of people getting burned alive when I was a child, people in cages, etc. It was gruesome. I used to cry a lot when I was 12-13, because I couldn't get the images out of my head. All the screams, and burning of flesh. She convinced me that hell was real, and if I died with any sin, I would go there. I almost went insane. I would spend hours praying for God to forgive me for turning the light switch off the wrong way my mother told me, a frequent occurrence.

It took time, but I had to disconnect from everyone for a few years. Everyone said "you need to get out, and make friends again", but I wasn't emotionally prepared for that. I needed time for myself, to sort out all of the insanity. I had no desire for friends, or hobbies. All I wanted was to sort things out in my mind.

I did grow up in a religious home, but my parents are good people. They never did anything like that. I'm very sorry that happened to you. If you ever want to talk about it you can send me a pm..

 

[Doctor Langstrom]

You grew up in a religious home? I did. Mother is a fanatic. Showed me videos of people getting burned alive when I was a child, people in cages, etc. It was gruesome. I used to cry a lot when I was 12-13, because I couldn't get the images out of my head. All the screams, and burning of flesh. She convinced me that hell was real, and if I died with any sin, I would go there. I almost went insane. I would spend hours praying for God to forgive me for turning the light switch off the wrong way my mother told me, a frequent occurrence.

It took time, but I had to disconnect from everyone for a few years. Everyone said "you need to get out, and make friends again", but I wasn't emotionally prepared for that. I needed time for myself, to sort out all of the insanity. I had no desire for friends, or hobbies. All I wanted was to sort things out in my mind.

Everyone says their childhood was plops.

 

[Anouck]

Everyone says their childhood was pl***.

Well, his story sounded very serious and I feel sorry for him. Of course many people used to have problems in their childhood. Doesn't mean that other people's problems are invalid.

 

[Doctor Langstrom]

Well, his story sounded very serious and I feel sorry for him. Of course many people used to have problems in their childhood. Doesn't mean that other people's problems are invalid.

Doesn't mean they aren't blowing it out of proportion.

 

[Anouck]

Doesn't mean they aren't blowing it out of proportion.

True.. But the story he told was quite shocking...

 

[Pretty Vampires]

Everyone says their childhood was pl***.

That's because there are many incompetent parents, and selfish people. Not even looking at people's childhoods, just look at how many people are today. I've talked to so many people that are dealing with many kinds of problems.

It's life, and life is sh1t to most.

 

[Pretty Vampires]

Doesn't mean they aren't blowing it out of proportion.

My story is much worse than that, but it doesn't really matter, because everyone is going through something.

 

[Medea]

Find a girl that doesn't intimidate you. Someone submissive and laid back. This will eliminate the nervousness that comes with the beginning of the relationship, because you will be the one that makes the decisions.

Don't tell a woman about what happened to you in the past until later in the relationship. I'm not trying to sound mean, but most women will take advantage of any weakness you show. They will be the one in control from that point on, which sounds like something you definitely don't want. Others will feel like they are your therapist, and will immediately delegate you to friend status. YOU have to be the one in control of the relationship. It sounds like the only way it's going to work for you. Just don't get too controlling, and project your past fears onto her.

 

[Pretty Vampires]

Find a girl that doesn't intimidate you. Someone submissive and laid back. This will eliminate the nervousness that comes with the beginning of the relationship, because you will be the one that makes the decisions.

Don't tell a woman about what happened to you in the past until later in the relationship. I'm not trying to sound mean, but most women will take advantage of any weakness you show. They will be the one in control from that point on, which sounds like something you definitely don't want. Others will feel like they are your therapist, and will immediately delegate you to friend status. YOU have to be the one in control of the relationship. It sounds like the only way it's going to work for you. Just don't get too controlling, and project your past fears onto her.

Not actually a problem for me. It's not on purpose, but I become the lead speaker in groups of people and in conversations.

 

[Stephen Daidalus]

Control in a relationship isn't a zero-sum game. It's all about compromise.

 

[Pretty Vampires]

Control in a relationship isn't a zero-sum game. It's all about compromise.

55/45

 

[Stephen Daidalus]

55/45

Hah. You've even quantified it, eh?

I guess it all comes down to priorities. Some people value their own autonomy over enduring love and affection. I can respect that. But it's not how I care to live.

 

[AS88]

Hah. You've even quantified it, eh?

I guess it all comes down to priorities. Some people value their own autonomy over enduring love and affection. I can respect that. But it's not how I care to live.

Relationships are really strange, y'know, everyone is different. In my family, my dad was very much the head of the house, all the big decisions went through him. My mum had a big say, but dad was clearly the one in charge. That's the way I am now; I'm by no means a tyrant, but if I make a strong decision then it usually sticks. That's not to say I'm controlling or mean, I'm actually quite compassionate and thoughtful, which means that the choices I make are fairer and more realistic than they would be if things were even between my gf and I, who is a little skittish and emotional, and doesn't like to make decisions. We've talked about this playfully and seriously, and pretty much agreed that I'm the boss My older brother, however, completely rolls over for his wife, and she's the one to make the decisions and tell him what he can and can't do, but they're happy too.

There are lots of people out there who reject the idea of commitment, and have issues with either coming on too strong or not strong enough, for a whole bagful of reasons. But if you want to get past it, Vampires, the people on here are some of the most respectful, compassionate and understanding people I've seen on any forum, and will try to help if they can. With the exception of Eleventh Doctor , by her own admission on the rep thread