18+ Smutticus: Septim Dreadfuls

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Seanu Reaves

The Shogun of Gaming
There are heroes, antiheroes, and then there are just protagonists. Men, Women, other that make you stop and wonder: "Is this guy insane or a genius?" or even "Wow, this is terrible. What was this guy thinking?"

From these esteemed (And to a lesser extent the tolerated) something rises. A figure bursting over with character and/or backed by people with no knowledge of what good writing is. Small stories of adventure and splendor meant to entertain the bored unemployed or uneducated. This grand tradition of catering to the lowest denominator has finally reached the forums.

Smutticus, Hero of the Empire! What is to follow are the many misadventures of this figure. The struggle to knock evil on it's back, and maybe get a few ladies in that position and others as well. Smutticus is the swashbuckling, lecherous, incompetent, lucky Imperial Propaganda and leisure reading you never asked for!

Author's Note: this is an Open Fan Fiction thread, marked +18 for whatever content the writer's may post. Think of this as a collection of Short Stories from the wonderfully creative minds of the forums. Smutticus' appearence and backstory are up to the writer, but should be noted he is always Imperial. You may use any local or character you have.
 

Seanu Reaves

The Shogun of Gaming
COMING SOON: SMUTTICUS THE SAILOR!
TOTALLY GONNA BE LIKE THIS!

Sinbad-the-Sailor-digital-painting-myths-legends-TCG.jpg
 

Seanu Reaves

The Shogun of Gaming
Hahaha. Yeah, was gonna ask you after I get the first shoet story got finished.

:D You know if you wanted to write a Smutticus charged take even if it is mocking his character. :p
 

Seanu Reaves

The Shogun of Gaming
Hahaha after some deliberation no. Smutticus may have originally been male, but since the name is more of a propaganda tool gender is unimportant. (Though for a woman I think it would be more likely as a code name instead of birth name like a male Smutticus may imply.)

Edit: I just realized how hilarious a girl named Smutticus could be.
 

Seanu Reaves

The Shogun of Gaming
Smutticus the Sailor By Skies

The Marie Elana, an ancient yet still sea worthy vessel. One of the most feared and remembered ships in the history of Nirn. It cut through the water with an unbelievable majesty, that one must see to believe. Nothing could ruin it's grandeur. Except a little Imperial keeling over the edge, obviously not a born sailor. Bless his heart, for he so heroically was trying to keep up airs. Finely combed coif slowly becoming unruly, yet still perfectly dashing in it's own way.

Ladies and gentlemen, mostly ladies, our hero. Smutticus, Hero of the Imperium!!!

"When will this torment cease?" Cried our hero, the only man to make whining sexy. He let out a great groan, trying to take in as much of the salty fresh air in as he could. From his finely tailor shirt, heavy leather jacket and boots Smutticus was the pinnacle of an Imperial man. Piercing green eyes, finely groomed mustache and beard where just wonderful additions to an already amazing man.

"You are such a pussy..." Came the reply from behind Smutticus. It was the ships captain, Captain Malvules. A dark elf woman, who claimed to be descendant from a previous first mate. In the way only our hero could, Smutticus' eyes panned up the captain. Her long black knee high boots, needlessly tight leggings, and quite hefty... Smutticus was snapped out of his appraisal.

"Why leave Stros M'Kai by ship if you can't stand sailing?"

"For the sake of my epic! Smutticus by Smutticus!" Smutticus announced with as much conviction as a Count deciding he would turn his life around and life for the people. Maybe even with far mor conviction. "Exotic lands! Rough people! And the women. Ooolala."

"the captain held her composure through the entire speech, in fact her eyes narrowed a bit. Yet there was a slight purple tinge to her cheeks. Smutticus took it as a blush and just smiled. One of the crew was less than entertained and rolled his eyes at Smutticus, curses coming from under his breath. But the great hero paid the sailor no mind, for he knew how great he was. Suddenly the ship lurched.

"Thalmor ships! Port side!"

With grace that many on the ship could never truly describe, Smutticus flopped onto the deck. Fireballs seared over Smutticus' head as he heard boarding hooks hitting the railing. His foppish expression soon became a determined glare, like what one would actually expect from a known Imperial battlemage. The glare soon gave way to his normal expression as he whimpered a little as his knees got scraped.

"Return fire! We got corsair catchers!" Came the Captain's call as arrows started flying between ships.

"I'm always ready to pitch!" Smutticus said with such passion it was said woman on the shoreline found their loins suddenly filled with desire. Smutticus himself had his own fire. It was in his loins because our wondrous hero never stopped to realize just because wood elves are resistant to diseases doesn't mean they can't spread them around. She must have been a spy, Smutticus cursed. He hoped that his lady Dibella would heal his... issues. His venereal pains didn't help his sea sickness. Yet it also saved him from various spells and arrows, for it made him double over at seemingly random times.

"By the Eight," Smutticus thought. "I hate sailing."

He doubled over yet again, but this time with purpose. For Smutticus had to be subtle as he gathered his magical energies, the crackling of lightning hidden by the sounds of the two dueling ships. His hands were shaky, unlike our great heroes resolve. Both of them at about waist height, hands pumping back and forth around the ball of energy, Smutticus not wanting to release the spell early due to the spells epicenter being moved out of his hands. He let out something between a groan and a deep exhale, standing up to help him aim his release. His great load of power, formed of so much exertion...

"That isn't what happened!" Came the sudden interruption. Smutticus looked up from the harem of female Thalmor crowded around his chair he was chained to. The interruption was a dour Thalmor named Caldas. He was at first pleased when he captured Smutticus, but now it seemed every woman of his crew was enthralled by this Ne'erdowell.

"Hush Caldas!" Said one of the women sternly.

"Yeah, just because you are nothing compared to Smutticus..." That brought forth a chorus of giggling from Smutticus' Harem.

"But Evelyn!" Came the whining retort, which then turned serious. "Damn it I am your commanding officer!"

"Hush!"

And liked the whipped dog he was Caldas fell silent. He shot one last look at his prisoner. A man chained hand and foot, who now had all of his female crew pawing at him. Caldas swore he would get Smutticus, one day. He bristled as he exited the brig only to hear the women of his crew squeal in delight.

"Oh Smutticus!"

Next time: Smutticus in Skyrim! Escape from Northwatch Keep! (Dun dun duuuuuuuuh!)
 

Seanu Reaves

The Shogun of Gaming
Smutticus! Escape from Northwatch Keep! Part 1! By Skies!

4e 201 Evelyn's Log (Excerpt)
Oh what a glorious occasion! I've finally found him. Smutticus, Imperial War Hero and tantalizing Propaganda piece. He is every bit as amazing as the novels and posters make him out to be. When our eyes meet it is obious he feels something, too. Even if he was still out cold when I checked his eyes during his physical. I've made contact with Elenwen (gosh she is almost as amazing as Smutticus reading her notes on how she broke Ulfric Stormcloak sends shivers through my whole body). How I plan on attempting something revolutionary based upon her work. She will be so proud when I expand on her methods and find a way to indoctrinate the races of Men. And on a positive note I can have my dear Smutticus until our assension. I find my body shuddering in anticipation. On a side note I had some salmon with some boiled leeks. It was pretty good, I just hope it doesn't go to my thighs like Sweetrolls do. That stupid harlot Synthia said...

"What? By the eight..." Smutticus cursed. "I could have sworn we didn't drink that much..."

Smutticus groaned, his vision shifting from indistinct blurs to clarity. This place, he thought. His gaze dancing over the old stonework, reminded him of the old abandoned Imperial fortresses around Cyrodiil. He could have sworn he heard the gentle crash of waves coming through the window. He sniffed the air, and realized there was something within it, a certain indomitable chill. So I made it to Skyrim, Smutticus thought. His focus began to shift to the room itself. It was like someone tried to re-purpose a torture chamber. He tried to move but realized he was chained down, and then he could smell it: Nightshade scented candles. His favorite, which relaxed him far more than it should.

He felt like a ten year old child again because of the chilly breeze, and he realized he was stripped down to his undergarments. (Alik'r Silk. Accept no substitutes.) As he searched vainly for a means of escape, he began to note odd occurrences around the room. He saw some leather strips, a few random soul gems, various bottles of potions or oils, and various seemingly random household items. I'm a little worried, He thought. His eyes continuing to snap to a very fancy looking four post bed with a very fancy looking canopy. A kind he managed to get well acquainted with during his travels, especially in the Hammerfell brothels. But I am gonna sit tight and see how this works out.

There was movement outside the door, shadows skittering past. The door opened very slowly, like the interloper was embarrassed to come into the chamber. To his surprise and justifying the nervousness to Smutticus, a young Altmer woman entered. She was a spitting image of Elenwen, though most of her features were softer than the Head Thalmor and her hair was tied up into a pair of little pig tails. She had a sprinkling of freckles across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose that really completed the girlish look she had. She was also blushing, a lot. Her face lighting up red as her eyes naturally danced over Smutticus' incredibly fit body. But when she spoke, though there were notes of insecurity, it carried an authority with just a touch of adorable.

"Sir Smutticus... Hello... It is my pleasure to have you under me... I mean my care!" Her face grew bright red realizing the implications, he hands flew to her cheeks. But she quickly composed herself.

"Charmed, my lady. And Sir... You are so proper," Smutticus replied giving her a wink and a smile. "I am sure it is a pleasure to be under you. Tell me do you have a name?"

"Evelyn, Sir." Evelyn said, as she thought about how amazing he looked. Even though he was a dirty ape compared to an Altmer, she did find herself drawn him. If the book "A Hundred and One Knights in High Rock" was true, he had taken to waxing or trimming his chest hair. And it did work wonders. As she looked over his body, she began recounting the various stories behind each thin white line. A wound that Smutticus had quickly healed. She yelled back into the hallway. "Bring him some clothes, now that he is back among the living, we can proceed."

Our glorious hero, of infallible character had a choice: try and escape or stay and *cough* thwart the cute Altmer's girls undoubtedly sinister plot. Now if Smutticus wasn't thinking with his head in his pants he probably wouldn't have missed some red flags and tried to escape as soon as possible. Like the fact she had a large ebony war axe on her belt, the fact she looked for specific scars and not just over them, or the fact she knew what his favorite candle scent was.

This "Plan" of hers, to Smutticus, couldn't possibly be focused on him either. Then again unlike some people he didn't get to read the journal entry. After he was able to bathe himself, Smutticus found the clothes laid out for him were his preferred style. Ignoring yet another red flag, Smutticus began putting on the clothes that make him famous with the ladies and infamous among the men. His silk shirt and tight leather pants fit perfectly, and even the greatcoat left for him was only just to long. Probably taken from a comrade of her's, Smutticus mused. That girl Evelyn was going all out to keep him happy.

It started with talking, not even an interrogation. Maybe it was because of her apparent innocence, Evelyn was more alluring to Smutticus than most women he had met before. As she spoke about her time in the Thalmor it sounded like a cutesy teenage girl schooling than a harsh military indoctrination. This got Smutticus to talk about his time with the legion, and they found many commonalities. On and on it went, transitioning to very superficial interests to highly personal. It was like they were each other's council, or so one would think without training. They were skillfully engaging in a form of verbal fencing that many operatives had to take part in one time or another. They were evenly matched even with their vastly differing styles: Evelyn playing on her cuteness and "easily flustered" persona against Smutticus' well... normal slightly perverted persona.

But soon actual flirting entered the game. A slight touch here, a wink, and soon they began to learn each other's tells. Smutticus would sweep his hair back with his right hand on the right side, while Evelyn would bite her lip and sigh (Yes, it is probably as sensual as you think). Rumors began to move through the keep like wildfire, but no one would say something out against Evelyn. Not yet anyway. On the fourth day of this strange courtship, they were discussing their favorite books, both becoming quite engaged and more honest with this discussion. Without warning, Evelyn stood up and kissed him deeply and Smutticus could have sworn lovingly. Though startled at first, Smutticus let himself drift away wrapping his arms around her waist. But as quickly as she engaged the kiss, she broke it off. Smutticus opened his eyes only to see the ends of her robes as the door shut behind her.

Evelyn didn't come at the usual time the next day, or the next, or the next, until our spoony (Yes, that is a word) hero found himself in a void, trapped with only his favorite scent, which coincidentally (Or not. Dun dun duuun) was now associated with Evelyn. Time went by, and though he wasn't chained down anymore he had nothing left to do. Smutticus' subconscious knew he had lost, that somehow that woman got to close. It was the third night, laying on the fancy bed, that Evelyn returned. Dressed in a gown, that at best could be described as one that would make Azura or Nocturnal blush, Smutticus couldn't even defend himself. She didn't leave until the next night, as she left she glanced back at Smutticus who lay gasping and sweaty from her... attentions. Gently closing the door behind her she smirked as she licked some sweat off her fingers. Her plan was commencing perfectly.

No one can truly say what they did for that twenty four hour period. The guards that peeked were reduced to nearly mindless beings repeating "I didn't know you could use that like that" and "Who knew she was that flexible." They were listed as casualties in Evelyn's report and never heard from again.

To be continued.
 

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