ChiefScalyNipples
Dictator of my bedroom
First whiny rant of ChiefScalyNipples in this thread:
(I might not be able to describe what I'm going through that accurately because honestly I don't understand it myself)
I fluffing HATE my GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) , and just how my mind is like a ghostly typewriter, typing infinite thoughts and words at rapid speed by itself forever. Every step or move I make I have to question afterwards even if it was successful. Hell, I even question thoughts that go through my own conscious sometimes, especially when it comes to death; for example, Proof, an extremely talented and down to earth (at least in my opinion) rapper from the group D12, a rap group that consisted of Eminem, Bizarre, Kuniva, Swifty McVay, Kon Artis (or Mr. Porter), and of course Proof. He was also Eminem's best friend and hype-man at concerts.
As you may or may not know, on April 11, 2006, Proof got shot 4 times at the after-hour CCC Club in Detroit and was pronounced dead on arrival (click on his name for more info, it'll bring you to his wikipedia page, or better yet, click here for the REAL story, revealing that the media's story is full of plops and that Proof didn't shoot anyone like they say he shot the guy he got into a fight with). Proof is my favorite rapper, whether or not he was with D12 or solo. Aside from a lot of the fights and confrontations he got into, he was a genuinely talented, peaceful (just because he had a lot of beef with different rappers doesn't mean he isn't peaceful, he actually solved Eminem's feud with ICP), funny, down to earth, and respectable man.
To be honest it really makes me sad sometimes that he's gone, especially when he was so close to getting out of D12's shadow and establish his own name (since one of his solo albums ranked number 65 on the US 200 billboard charts and he collaborated with many well-known and respectable rap artists). Although his legacy lives on, he's physically gone, and now we're left with today's plopsty generation of "Hip Hop" (*cough* YMCMB *cough*). But back to me questioning my own conscious, as I think about this and grieve slightly, my mind questions itself and inside my head I hear my conscious going back and forth at itself like "Why are you bitching about Proof's death? There's other rappers and musicians you like that are dead too and you're acting like a big bitch over one. On top of all that, you didn't even know him personally, while your old friend passed away from cancer last year as well as your great aunt 2 and a half years ago. Most importantly, the first dog you had, Treasure, who you lost at age 7. She loved you as much as you loved her and even watched over you as a baby, and you dont grieve much over those angels anymore. You may not have known them that well but at least you knew them personally. Proof never knew you existed, how do you think Eminem and all of D12 feel?! He's probably looking down on you in shame, fluffing crybaby." and then I start to feel really guilty. I'm sorry for neglecting my respect and love for the ones I knew personally that I lost, because of a moderately famous rapper I admire. I truly am.
Not only does my mind beat me up over that, but it also does over silly things. I'm a shy guy, i'm shy around everyone, especially around girls I find attractive (it's common in most teenage boys, I know, but I think my shyness is a bit worse than other teenage boys). I do worry little about starting conversations with people, but when it comes to pretty girls I get mad nervous inside my head and I think I'm gonna look like this when I just simply say "hey". And even if I wasn't awkward when saying hi, my mind will convince me that I was because I'm so worried about it. Then my fluffin' mind will start to say to me "Why the fluff couldn't you keep the conversation going? Just saying "hey", standing there silent for a few moments and then walking away awkwardly?! Do you know how much of an idiot you made yourself look like?!"
The worst thing my mind does to me is make me go through guilt trips from time to time about begging my parents to move closer to the school I go to so I'll be able to hang out with my friends more easily. It all started with this one school I used to go to, I hated it there, not going to say why, I just did. So I begged my mom to get me out of that school and she did when I was near the end of my 7th grade year. I wanted to move to the county that both the middle school I transferred to and high school I go to now are in, but I couldn't for a couple of years due to some financial issues. But now I live here in the county I go to school in, I've been living in this house for 3 and a half months and I've only hung out with friends in town once. So I feel REALLY guilty that my mom and dad paid for a house in this county when they actually wanted to stay in the old house just for me. But I'm such a shy little bitch that I won't pursue hanging out with friends. Yeah, we'll both agree that we should hangout sometime but I'll never bring it up again... Also I talk to friends on Xbox too, but I just wanna make physical memories while in this town, not virtual...there are so many amazing friends I have in my life but i'm scared I'm going to fluff it all up...
So that's my anxiety and non-stop thoughts rant....sorry if I sounded too whiny. I know others struggle through things like this probably 10X worse than I do, I just needed to get it off my chest, and this thread seemed perfect for that.
(I might not be able to describe what I'm going through that accurately because honestly I don't understand it myself)
I fluffing HATE my GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) , and just how my mind is like a ghostly typewriter, typing infinite thoughts and words at rapid speed by itself forever. Every step or move I make I have to question afterwards even if it was successful. Hell, I even question thoughts that go through my own conscious sometimes, especially when it comes to death; for example, Proof, an extremely talented and down to earth (at least in my opinion) rapper from the group D12, a rap group that consisted of Eminem, Bizarre, Kuniva, Swifty McVay, Kon Artis (or Mr. Porter), and of course Proof. He was also Eminem's best friend and hype-man at concerts.
As you may or may not know, on April 11, 2006, Proof got shot 4 times at the after-hour CCC Club in Detroit and was pronounced dead on arrival (click on his name for more info, it'll bring you to his wikipedia page, or better yet, click here for the REAL story, revealing that the media's story is full of plops and that Proof didn't shoot anyone like they say he shot the guy he got into a fight with). Proof is my favorite rapper, whether or not he was with D12 or solo. Aside from a lot of the fights and confrontations he got into, he was a genuinely talented, peaceful (just because he had a lot of beef with different rappers doesn't mean he isn't peaceful, he actually solved Eminem's feud with ICP), funny, down to earth, and respectable man.
To be honest it really makes me sad sometimes that he's gone, especially when he was so close to getting out of D12's shadow and establish his own name (since one of his solo albums ranked number 65 on the US 200 billboard charts and he collaborated with many well-known and respectable rap artists). Although his legacy lives on, he's physically gone, and now we're left with today's plopsty generation of "Hip Hop" (*cough* YMCMB *cough*). But back to me questioning my own conscious, as I think about this and grieve slightly, my mind questions itself and inside my head I hear my conscious going back and forth at itself like "Why are you bitching about Proof's death? There's other rappers and musicians you like that are dead too and you're acting like a big bitch over one. On top of all that, you didn't even know him personally, while your old friend passed away from cancer last year as well as your great aunt 2 and a half years ago. Most importantly, the first dog you had, Treasure, who you lost at age 7. She loved you as much as you loved her and even watched over you as a baby, and you dont grieve much over those angels anymore. You may not have known them that well but at least you knew them personally. Proof never knew you existed, how do you think Eminem and all of D12 feel?! He's probably looking down on you in shame, fluffing crybaby." and then I start to feel really guilty. I'm sorry for neglecting my respect and love for the ones I knew personally that I lost, because of a moderately famous rapper I admire. I truly am.
Not only does my mind beat me up over that, but it also does over silly things. I'm a shy guy, i'm shy around everyone, especially around girls I find attractive (it's common in most teenage boys, I know, but I think my shyness is a bit worse than other teenage boys). I do worry little about starting conversations with people, but when it comes to pretty girls I get mad nervous inside my head and I think I'm gonna look like this when I just simply say "hey". And even if I wasn't awkward when saying hi, my mind will convince me that I was because I'm so worried about it. Then my fluffin' mind will start to say to me "Why the fluff couldn't you keep the conversation going? Just saying "hey", standing there silent for a few moments and then walking away awkwardly?! Do you know how much of an idiot you made yourself look like?!"
The worst thing my mind does to me is make me go through guilt trips from time to time about begging my parents to move closer to the school I go to so I'll be able to hang out with my friends more easily. It all started with this one school I used to go to, I hated it there, not going to say why, I just did. So I begged my mom to get me out of that school and she did when I was near the end of my 7th grade year. I wanted to move to the county that both the middle school I transferred to and high school I go to now are in, but I couldn't for a couple of years due to some financial issues. But now I live here in the county I go to school in, I've been living in this house for 3 and a half months and I've only hung out with friends in town once. So I feel REALLY guilty that my mom and dad paid for a house in this county when they actually wanted to stay in the old house just for me. But I'm such a shy little bitch that I won't pursue hanging out with friends. Yeah, we'll both agree that we should hangout sometime but I'll never bring it up again... Also I talk to friends on Xbox too, but I just wanna make physical memories while in this town, not virtual...there are so many amazing friends I have in my life but i'm scared I'm going to fluff it all up...
So that's my anxiety and non-stop thoughts rant....sorry if I sounded too whiny. I know others struggle through things like this probably 10X worse than I do, I just needed to get it off my chest, and this thread seemed perfect for that.
