Janus3003's Skyrim Marriage Counseling

[Zyphur]

Dear Marriage Councilor,

My hubby Gat-gro Shargakh has been unable to give me an orc baby. Do you think repeatedly turning myself into a vampire in order to enter the Soul Cairne has rendered me infertile? I'm afraid of how this might put a strain on our otherwise happy marriage.

Also why does he feel the need to carry a pickaxe with him everywhere? And do you think I'm being too trustful by leaving him alone at home weeks at a time with my Dunmer stewardess?

 

[Jei El]

Dear random stranger helper,

Every time I try to plant my egg in a Nordic wench they don't like it! Help!

 

[Wolfking]

I'm sorry, but it was revenge and me and Alea have a history of bitching and well it was the perfect reason to kill her

You got some issues, huh?

 

[Wolfking]

I am an orc man, but I have always been more interested in humans than orcs. I married Ria, and we adopted a boy and a girl and moved to Falkreath. We were happily married for quite some time. One day, we took a trip to an orc stronghold. She enjoyed the lesson on orc culture, and were quite happy. Until an orc woman who I won't name started flirting with me. I was disconcerted because my wife was right there. Ria laughed it off and we shared some jokes about it. Later that week however, I was going out to feed the cow, when I saw the flash of steel coming from the chicken coop. I went to search and found that same orc women shoved behind the nests naked with a knife in her midrift. I threw the body in a river and confronted Ria. She denied it and we got into a huge argument. She left and took my daughter. I was moping around my bedroom when I found blood smeared underneath my fingernails. I retrieved the orc woman's body and inspected it. The knife was mine! She was marked with several deep lacerations that, on further inspection, didn't match the knife. With a feeling of dread, I turned into a werewolf. The lacerations fit my claws like a sword to its sheath. I must have been sleepwalking. I have a history of doing things in my sleep. I don't know how to fix my marriage with Ria. PLEASE RESPOND IMMEDIATELY.

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[Nocte Aeterna]

Janus:

If I were to surreptitiously run and supervise a brothel, what do you think would happen if my wife found out? I can't read women well. I'm just a lowly Redguard looking for some extra coin. I don't have a male prostitute's body, I'm afraid.

- Shaadi, a Redguard spellsword who needs to sort out his priorities.

 

[Wolfking]

My brother married Aela, but it turned out she is a world class bitch. She always complains about where they live (Falkreath), and never shows the kids affection. What can he do?

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[Wolfking]

Janus:

If I were to surreptitiously run and supervise a brothel, what do you think would happen if my wife found out? I can't read women well. I'm just a lowly Redguard looking for some extra coin. I don't have a male prostitute's body, I'm afraid.

- Shaadi, a Redguard spellsword who needs to sort out his priorities.

I think you may need to work about the guards hauling you off to the dungeons more than your wife. Plus, it's not like you plan to sleep with your...employees.

 

[Wolfking]

Dear random stranger helper,

Every time I try to plant my egg in a Nordic wench they don't like it! Help!

Try sleeping with Argonians. That might help.

 

[Janus3003]

Dear Janus:

I am a wealthy Redguard female who has been a thane of Eastmarch for ten months now. I reside in a stately house in Windhelm and, as befitting a thane, have been granted a housecarl named Calder. I found him quite attractive, and married him.

However, after returning from a recent trip to visit a newborn niece in Skaven, I noticed that Calder was shagging an Argonian in a maid outfit in our bedroom. After consulting several beggars for gossip, I discovered that this had in fact been a regular event. With Ulfric on the throne, I am not sure how he even is managing to get the Argonians into the city in the first place, let alone the bedchamber.

I am unsure what to do. I like Calder and all, but he needs to stop this, particularly as scales are starting to interfere with my sleep. How can I let him know to desist?

Sincerely, Saadia

You are a Thane and he is your housecarl, so you have every right to command him to stop, or even dismiss him if you please.
My recommendation, however, is that you come to a compromise of sorts. Perhaps you could limit where in the house he may shag the Argonian maid? Change the bed linens after the shaggings?

Dear Janus

My relationship with Brom is fantastic, except for one teensy problem.

And his name is Mikael.

I now see the trouble Carlotta had with him. If flat told him I happily married, yet he wont leave me alone!

How can I stop him before Brom uses violent methods?



May you see the sun rise and set,
Uwayna Drarara

Make it very clear in no uncertain terms to Mikael that you are not interested. Consider asking the jarl to issue a restraining order as well.

Ps. Have you seen a cow talking to thalmor agents recently?

Can't say I have, but I'll keep a look out.

Dear Marriage Councilor,

My hubby Gat-gro Shargakh has been unable to give me an orc baby. Do you think repeatedly turning myself into a vampire in order to enter the Soul Cairne has rendered me infertile? I'm afraid of how this might put a strain on our otherwise happy marriage.

Also why does he feel the need to carry a pickaxe with him everywhere? And do you think I'm being too trustful by leaving him alone at home weeks at a time with my Dunmer stewardess?

I'm no scientist or medical doctor of any sort, so I really can't comment on the infertility.
As for the pickaxe, it's probably related to some sort of childhood trauma. Maybe it's like a security blanket.

Leaving your spouse alone with someone of the opposite sex is worrisome. After all, even the most faithful people can still be tempted. I recommend you keep up thoroughly open and honest communication with your husband, and try to be home more.

Dear random stranger helper,

Every time I try to plant my egg in a Nordic wench they don't like it! Help!

It might have something to do with "Nordic wenches" already producing their own eggs that can only grow with the fertilization by a sperm cell (DO NOT do this without their permission). Attempting to plant your own egg in them is extremely dangerous and possibly lethal.

I am an orc man, but I have always been more interested in humans than orcs. I married Ria, and we adopted a boy and a girl and moved to Falkreath. We were happily married for quite some time. One day, we took a trip to an orc stronghold. She enjoyed the lesson on orc culture, and were quite happy. Until an orc woman who I won't name started flirting with me. I was disconcerted because my wife was right there. Ria laughed it off and we shared some jokes about it. Later that week however, I was going out to feed the cow, when I saw the flash of steel coming from the chicken coop. I went to search and found that same orc women shoved behind the nests naked with a knife in her midrift. I threw the body in a river and confronted Ria. She denied it and we got into a huge argument. She left and took my daughter. I was moping around my bedroom when I found blood smeared underneath my fingernails. I retrieved the orc woman's body and inspected it. The knife was mine! She was marked with several deep lacerations that, on further inspection, didn't match the knife. With a feeling of dread, I turned into a werewolf. The lacerations fit my claws like a sword to its sheath. I must have been sleepwalking. I have a history of doing things in my sleep. I don't know how to fix my marriage with Ria. PLEASE RESPOND IMMEDIATELY.

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I won't get into the legal ramifications of the situation.
As for your marriage, you owe your wife an apology, and it will likely take a long time for her to accept it. She's understandably very hurt by your accusations. Talk with her, but don't force her into anything.

Janus:

If I were to surreptitiously run and supervise a brothel, what do you think would happen if my wife found out? I can't read women well. I'm just a lowly Redguard looking for some extra coin. I don't have a male prostitute's body, I'm afraid.

- Shaadi, a Redguard spellsword who needs to sort out his priorities.

As with any business venture, your wife would likely be a bit cross to be left out of the loop, particularly when sex is involved.

My brother married Aela, but it turned out she is a world class bitch. She always complains about where they live (Falkreath), and never shows the kids affection. What can he do?

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Try asking her about her dream home? Try to come to a consensus?

 

[LittleWolf14-10]

Dear Janus,

My husband Argis and I are very much devoted to one another, and our life is pretty much perfect. He's not the type to stay at home, so he comes with me on adventures whilst the children are left in the care of our housecarl and steward. The man is loyal as a dog and frequently threatens bandits with horrendous, bloody death if any of them lay so much as a scratch on me.
The kids, as a side note, love the time he spends with them when we take breaks from adventures and I'm always hearing about their fishing trips.

My problem, especially compared to everything I've read (by the Nine, there are waaaay too many unfaithful spouses in Skyrim), is that sometimes, when night falls, he sleeps in a different bed. It doesn't bother me too much, but it'd be nice to get that Lover's Comfort a bit more often, know what I mean?

Many thanks in advance,
Andala,
Dragonborn and Thane of Markarth, Whiterun and Falkreath

 

[Wolfking]

Thanks for your earlier advice. My wife accepted my apology and we are now living as one. There are still some problems, though
#1-My magical spells are constantly causing mischief in my home. The wabbajack turned my bard into a chicken, and we almost ate him! My wife has not yet openly said she dislikes my magical exploits, but I can see it in her eyes every time a Dremora tries to burn down the house. Magic is my art and passion, but I love my wife and couldn't stand to see her go. What can I do to make a compromise?
#2-My bard keeps trying to hit on my wife, (hence the wabbajack incident), and I've tried everything from shock therapy, to having a serious discussion, to fus ro dah'ing him across the house and letting my dead thrall nibble on his toes, but he won't stop. I fired him, but he sneaks into my house and acts like I didn't. My wife refuses to acknowledge his clumsy attempts at seducing her exist, but she obviously does. Short of murder, how can I stop this idiot from continuing?

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[Wolfking]

Dear Janus,

I love my husband more than anything in the whole world. He's handsome and strong, with a body to die for. The sex is amazing. He tends to all my needs. He protects me when we're in battle together, he takes care of me when I'm sick, he provides for me financially. We love each other deeply, and there's nothing more I could ask for in my life partner. I could not imagine my life without him.

We're not having any problems, I just wanted to let you know how happy I am with my marriage.

Kind regards,

Sticky xx

PS - could one of your clients kindly bring some candles and clean rags to Mistwatch? It's very cold and dark in this cell, and my husband's followers tend to beat me more fiercely if I try to go outside while he's out getting drunk on raids.

For the love of god, man! You definitely need to leave this bastard. You're locked up in a cell, getting beaten by a bandit, and you say he loves you? GEEZUZ, Kill him and escape.

 

[Wolfking]

LoverEx
I can say little more than that you need to have an open and candid conversation with Farkas, possibly with an impartial mediator present. If you haven't voiced your concerns, it's possible that Farkas has his own. I'm not saying either of you are more right or wrong than the other, but if the relationship is to be saved, you need to be honest with one another.
As for Camilla- Fus Ro Dahing people down the stairs is assault and potentially murder, and you can be put in jail for that. Don't do it.

sticky runes Sticky xx
Really pleased to hear things are going well.
Understand that I'm always happy to hear about sucesses in matrimony.
No one should be in an unhappy relationship.
Never stop being the person you want to be married to.
Oh, be sure to share your advice.
Well, I have to answer the next client!

Naginata
You two need to have a long, serious talk about what you're both looking for in the relationship and family. It shouldn't be a one-person job, but a partnership.
As for the clothing- buy her something slinky (Belethor has a wide selection of scandalous scanties), and leave it in the room for her to find. Put on something attractive yourself.
Also, be sure to tell her she's beautiful, and even sexy. It could be that she's dressing frumpily because she's uncomfortable with her body.

Anwrise888
I really am no expert on the Daedra, though I understand that Azura is generally considered the most benevolent of the Princes.
Also, be advised that the Daedra are sexless and only assign themselves a gender based on their current whims. Mephala's been known as both a male and female, for instance. Just something to keep in mind.

Elenwen The Enlightened Aldmeri Domgurl
I think you should take the risk of asking him to come with you. Should he fall in battle, you'll never know what his response would have been. I know he's leading a cause, but Ulfric is certainly no stranger to making choices detrimental to those around him.
Also, consider contacting him in subtle ways. Sneak a note into his chambers. Slip a spiked dog collar into a shipment headed to Windhelm. Anonymously mail him a copy of Fifty Shades of Coldharbour.
Good luck, mistress!

Umm, visa vi Sticky xx, I think you need to read the PS. He's a hostage. Look in to your patients.

 

[Janus3003]

Umm, visa vi Sticky xx, I think you need to read the PS. He's a hostage. Look in to your patients.

Look closer at my response. Specifically the first letters.

 

[Asiaxfani]

Dear Janus

How's it going? My name is Jira. I originally hail from Hammerfell, but I've been living in Skyrim for over a year now. It really seemed to be going well for me; not only have I quickly raised the ranks among the Companions, but also found love there. Some time ago I told this Shield-Sister of mine how I felt about her, and she told me that the feeling was mutual. We got married, and I was happier with her than I ever remember being.

Now, this is where it gets weird.

A few days ago I went back to Jorrvaskr to get my next work assignment. I had the shock of my life when I walked to the main hall, and saw this ex-Shield-Brother of mine sitting in the table.

Janus, I am telling you - this guy is DEAD. I saw his lifeless body myself, and he was pushing daisies! What makes things worse, this man used to be my wife's lover. It was only after his death when me and her grow as close as we are now.

My wife was at the market when this happened, so she didn't see him. I went to find her and suggested that we'd move to my house in Falkreath. Luckily she agreed, and we left Whiterun almost immediatly.

I still haven't told her about this, and neither of us has been to Jorrvaskr ever since. I know just getting her out of there wasn't the most productive solution, but I panicked! My wife's ex-lover comes back from the dead and just chills out our mead hall as if nothing happened - what the hell is going on here?! Both my wife and I still are members of the Companions, and we can't stay out of Jorrvaskr forever. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I know this isn't stricktly a marriage problem, but I'm desperate. To be frank, I'm really scared right now. I love my wife, but I'm afraid that she'll leave me if she finds out that her ex is back. Besides that, how the hell is he back from the dead anyway? Something's not right here.

Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what to do.
Please help.

-Jira
Lakeview Manor, Falkreath Hold

 

[Wolfking]

Dear Janus

How's it going? My name is Jira. I originally hail from Hammerfell, but I've been living in Skyrim for over a year now. It really seemed to be going well for me; not only have I quickly raised the ranks among the Companions, but also found love there. Some time ago I told this Shield-Sister of mine how I felt about her, and she told me that the feeling was mutual. We got married, and I was happier with her than I ever remember being.

Now, this is where it gets weird.

A few days ago I went back to Jorrvaskr to get my next work assignment. I had the shock of my life when I walked to the main hall, and saw this ex-Shield-Brother of mine sitting in the table.

Janus, I am telling you - this guy is DEAD. I saw his lifeless body myself, and he was pushing daisies! What makes things worse, this man used to be my wife's lover. It was only after his death when me and her grow as close as we are now.

My wife was at the market when this happened, so she didn't see him. I went to find her and suggested that we'd move to my house in Falkreath. Luckily she agreed, and we left Whiterun almost immediatly.

I still haven't told her about this, and neither of us has been to Jorrvaskr ever since. I know just getting her out of there wasn't the most productive solution, but I panicked! My wife's ex-lover comes back from the dead and just chills out our mead hall as if nothing happened - what the hell is going on here?! Both my wife and I still are members of the Companions, and we can't stay out of Jorrvaskr forever. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I know this isn't stricktly a marriage problem, but I'm desperate. To be frank, I'm really scared right now. I love my wife, but I'm afraid that she'll leave me if she finds out that her ex is back. Besides that, how the hell is he back from the dead anyway? Something's not right here.

Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what to do.
Please help.

-Jira
Lakeview Manor, Falkreath Hold

Maybe an evil wizard raised him from the dead. Plus, if your wife would leave you for some old lover, then you never really had true love. Just talk to her. Chances are, all she'll be is freaked the f***f out. Probably not going to leave you.

 

[Janus3003]

Dear Janus,

My husband Argis and I are very much devoted to one another, and our life is pretty much perfect. He's not the type to stay at home, so he comes with me on adventures whilst the children are left in the care of our housecarl and steward. The man is loyal as a dog and frequently threatens bandits with horrendous, bloody death if any of them lay so much as a scratch on me.
The kids, as a side note, love the time he spends with them when we take breaks from adventures and I'm always hearing about their fishing trips.

My problem, especially compared to everything I've read (by the Nine, there are waaaay too many unfaithful spouses in Skyrim), is that sometimes, when night falls, he sleeps in a different bed. It doesn't bother me too much, but it'd be nice to get that Lover's Comfort a bit more often, know what I mean?

Many thanks in advance,
Andala,
Dragonborn and Thane of Markarth, Whiterun and Falkreath

This can be the result of a variety of things.
Have you had any arguments or disagreements lately? Has your Lover's Comfort been... exciting the past few times you've had it?
On a simpler note, what are the two mattresses like? Perhaps he doesn't sleep very well in your current bed.

Thanks for your earlier advice. My wife accepted my apology and we are now living as one. There are still some problems, though
#1-My magical spells are constantly causing mischief in my home. The wabbajack turned my bard into a chicken, and we almost ate him! My wife has not yet openly said she dislikes my magical exploits, but I can see it in her eyes every time a Dremora tries to burn down the house. Magic is my art and passion, but I love my wife and couldn't stand to see her go. What can I do to make a compromise?
#2-My bard keeps trying to hit on my wife, (hence the wabbajack incident), and I've tried everything from shock therapy, to having a serious discussion, to fus ro dah'ing him across the house and letting my dead thrall nibble on his toes, but he won't stop. I fired him, but he sneaks into my house and acts like I didn't. My wife refuses to acknowledge his clumsy attempts at seducing her exist, but she obviously does. Short of murder, how can I stop this idiot from continuing?

#1- Why not practice your magic away from home? You might just build another structure outside and perform all your magical experiments there.
#2- Change the locks on your house. Get a dog.

Dear Janus

How's it going? My name is Jira. I originally hail from Hammerfell, but I've been living in Skyrim for over a year now. It really seemed to be going well for me; not only have I quickly raised the ranks among the Companions, but also found love there. Some time ago I told this Shield-Sister of mine how I felt about her, and she told me that the feeling was mutual. We got married, and I was happier with her than I ever remember being.

Now, this is where it gets weird.

A few days ago I went back to Jorrvaskr to get my next work assignment. I had the shock of my life when I walked to the main hall, and saw this ex-Shield-Brother of mine sitting in the table.

Janus, I am telling you - this guy is DEAD. I saw his lifeless body myself, and he was pushing daisies! What makes things worse, this man used to be my wife's lover. It was only after his death when me and her grow as close as we are now.

My wife was at the market when this happened, so she didn't see him. I went to find her and suggested that we'd move to my house in Falkreath. Luckily she agreed, and we left Whiterun almost immediatly.

I still haven't told her about this, and neither of us has been to Jorrvaskr ever since. I know just getting her out of there wasn't the most productive solution, but I panicked! My wife's ex-lover comes back from the dead and just chills out our mead hall as if nothing happened - what the hell is going on here?! Both my wife and I still are members of the Companions, and we can't stay out of Jorrvaskr forever. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I know this isn't stricktly a marriage problem, but I'm desperate. To be frank, I'm really scared right now. I love my wife, but I'm afraid that she'll leave me if she finds out that her ex is back. Besides that, how the hell is he back from the dead anyway? Something's not right here.

Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what to do.
Please help.

-Jira
Lakeview Manor, Falkreath Hold

As Wolfking said, try talking to your wife about it. Many people have been in the company of their ex-lovers after marriage without incident. If your marriage is going to work, you need to trust one another.
In the meantime, you might want to contact the Vigilants of Stendarr or a local cult of Meridia to sort out this walking dead man issue.

 

[Wolfking]

Dear Janus,

I own a private bath house and my wife never seems to mind that I ogle and molest all those nekkid hawties skittering about.

Not even a bit jelly, does that mean she doesn't really love me after all?

Should I just kill and eat her then?

Werewolf awesomeness!

 

[-Mir-]

Dear Janus...


Okay, so this isn't a marriage issue, as I'm not married yet. But it's still a relevant dating issue that I need help with. So...where to start? I guess, first of all, I should say that I'm just a young Bosmer romantic who pretty much falls in love with every nice guy she meets. A lot of them are fellow elves. Upon first arriving in Skyrim I was smitten with Faendal, but quickly learned that - despite our growing friendship and countless adventures together - he was still stuck on Camilla and had no interest in furthering our relationship. So my next Bosmer "boyfriend" was a very kind and optimistic young fellow named Gwilin, whom I met in Ivarstead on my way to answer my summons from the Greybeards. But he seemed so content with his life there (since I made Temba bully him less because I tricked her into thinking I got rid of the bears even though I just gave her 10 pelts I had found in random forts and caves) and had no apparent interest in joining me in the adventurer's life, so I left him there to be happy.

Later, upon visiting Rorikstead, I found someone else who was eager for adventure, unlike Gwilin. The young and handsome Erik was always very nice to me and seemed like he'd be a good husband too. But we haven't spent much time together and he doesn't seem genuinely interested in being "together". After that, there are a few on-and-off crushes, such as Farkas, but it's just somewhat awkward to try and make a "lover" out of a shield-brother...

So now I'm left with another adorably cheery elf who seems to actually be interested in me. Every time I go to the Windhelm stables I'm always greeted kindly, and though we are quite different when it comes to height (lol), we do share the love of horses in common. He always says I seem like a nice person, and that feeling is definitely mutual. He said some day he'd like to hear more about me and get to know me better, and I was flattered at what I thought was just an expression of friendship. I had considered trying to spend more time with him to make good on that request, but backed off because I didn't want to seem like a threat to his wife or anything, since we are only just acquaintances. I had talked to Arivanya and she seems like a very nice woman; though perhaps she might have thought her husband started to share her opinion on how dull horses are and wanted to venture out into other "interests", had I tried getting closer to him.

So anyway, I left it at that, and maintained only a mild friendship with Ulundil as I continued to conduct my regular business in Windhelm. Pretty soon there was a murder, and poor Susanna from the inn was cut to pieces. I began investigating the Butcher and trying to track down this killer that the guards seemed to have little concern for. Strangely, as I investigated the killings became more frequent. We put away poor old Wuunferth on circumstantial evidence because there was no other dialog option for me to choose, and, as we both suspected, the murders continued. I left Windhelm for a little bit, and when I returned early in the morning, another body. The next victim was none other than Arivanya.

I was filled with sorrow and grief and regret, as I felt sorry for poor Ulundil and felt like a failure to Windhelm's people for conducting a faulty investigation and not stepping up to protect its citizens. But strangely, something deep inside of me also felt a tinge of happiness and excitement, as somewhere deep down, some part of me wished for something like this to happen so I could take a chance with Ulundil. As I collected my thoughts and carefully examined the body, the sun fully rose and everyone started waking up and walking around. Before I knew it, here came Ulundil himself walking through the gates. He probably hadn't even seen her yet, and was probably worried that she didn't come home the previous night. I had no idea what to say so I just hung back and let him discover it for himself. As he approached Candlehearth Hall a look of horror struck his face. He cried, "By the gods, this can't be happening!" and knelt at his spouse's side. I slowly came up from behind in an attempt to offer my comfort, though I really didn't know if I should say anything or just leave him be. It must be so hard having a loved one ripped away from you like that.

As I approached he turned and saw me. I still didn't know what to say, and I just expected the same kind of solemn, silent response from him. But instead, once he recognized me he instantly donned his cheery tone and repeated, "I hope we'll get to know each other better!"

So, I'm struggling here. He appears to clearly be coming onto me, but, really? This soon, right after his wife just died? Obviously I couldn't be happier to finally have a cute and cheerful elf show a legitimate interest in having a relationship with me, but should I continue to pursue it, or try and give him some grieving time? What is your advice for my situation?


Confused,
Girl-who-wishes-her-PS3-would-let-her-add-all-cute-guys-to-the-marriage-faction

 

[electricskies]

Dear Janus.

I'm married to Muira but don't get home very often (i've been busy and have 8, homes not wives), i've forgotton my kids names and feel as an alchemist she may take all my Cure Poison potions and put something nasty in my homecooked meal. I give the kids stuff (apples, dolls, swords) and feel they don't hold my absences against me but feel bad.

What can i do to create a harmonious family atmosphere but still go on murderous rampages and steal stuff?

She hired me to kill people just to marry her, she's dangerous.