Info Character Card Discussion/Analysis Thread

Hello,

My name is Skies on this forum, and I wanted to take the time to talk to all the RPer’s and aspiring writers on this forum. I am a character writer, and I am sure you all know one other writer who seems to always have a new character every few days. Welp, I am one of those unlucky few. So I am here today to announce that I am opening up this thread for Character Card reviews.

Basically I will read through your card and make personal notes about my thoughts pertaining to your card. This is by no means a “This is wrong and you should start over” thread, this is just so you can get a third party review of your card. I will alert you to anything that is just my personal bias as a writer, and you can definitely continue to refine the idea even if, or especially if, it is not my personal style.

What I will focus on is simple things like logic, description, and conceptual concreteness. I may nitpick a few details, but overall this is a general look at the character. This will be paired with my feelings about the design and the overall concept.

For format, as long as I can make heads and tails of the different sections you should be fine.

If you are interested in getting your card reviewed then please PM me the character card, and whether or not you want your name mentioned in the post itself. If you are working on a card, please feel free to ask questions. Writing can always improve, and asking questions for second opinions is the best thing you can do in most things.

Also feel free to watch this Thread, as I will review Character's as they come and around my busy schedule. And feel free to comment your own ideas below.

@Nurozoxi is the first writer and here is his card for reference.

Name: Kerrondern (Kear [like bear with a K, roll the R a bit] - un - dearn [again, like bear])

Race: Demonic

Gender: Not applicable, but would be described as masculine

Age: 23 human years, but considered a child by his people

Birth place: Spawned from his roaming mother's skin

Birth date: July 19th (I still want to have a calendar IC, just cause it'd be cool)

Sexuality: None

Laterality: Right

Marital status: Single

Class/role: Melee combatant, slightly tanky. As close to a knight as can be.

Height: 3' 4"

Weight: 210

Build: Stocky, powerful

Properties: Oak-like skin, but tough as rock

Affiliations: Demonics, Kerrondern's mother

Afflictions: Deformed, claw-like right hand from a Demonic sickness known as Stonerot, is in constant pain from it

Religion: As unholy as they come

Patron deity: Ixdite, Kerrondern's personal God of Warfare

Aspirations: Learn to control the sickness taking over Kerr's body, and use it for his own gain

Fears: Fire, axes, wood chippers

Likes: Fighting, eviscerating weaker beings

Dislikes: Being called 'Stumpy' or 'cute'

Personality: Rash, unforgiving, clueless to the nuances of civilized society

Appearance:

Eye color: Lightning blue

Hair color: Oak brown

Hair length: Finger-length

Hair style: Short, gnarly

Facial hair: Lichen clings to his bottom lip, and waggles between his legs as he walks

Scars: Plenty of claw marks and beak drills mar his body, one deep crack runs down his side from where an ax bit into him, a large burn on his right side

Posture: Hunched, defensive

Attire: None

Armor: A rusty pauldron rests on his left shoulder

Weapons: Uses his Stonerotted arm for a multitude of purposes, when he deems it necessary, carries a stone axe
for everyday use

Equipment: Stone ax, line of hempen rope (wrapped about his torso), and a smooth, pearly white rock rests in a crevice he dug into himself

Skills: Kerrondern likes to get in close and whack his opponents with his stone ax, and uses the Stonerotted arm as a shield (this doesn't seem to quicken the spread of the Stonerot, so Kerrondern uses it extensively as a defensive tactic).

Backstory: Rash and unforgiving, Kerrondern has walked a lonely road since spawning from his mother as she roamed the deserts of Fiáin. His birth unnoticed, Kerrondern was left behind as she tirelessly trudged through the sands towards a gathering of Demonics, several hundred miles away. After following her trail to the edge of the dunes, he lost track of her at the edge of a small forest, and wandered aimlessly through it until Kerrondern grew too hungry to continue searching. From that point on, Kerrondern lived off of the land, growing from a bean-like youngling to a thick, tree stump-like creature. For his first few years, Kerrondern spent his time living hand-to-mouth, digging in soil for grubs and eating them on the spot, or launching himself from tree branches to catch and devour birds and tree rats. It wasn't until Kerrondern's sixth winter that his sickness started to show. The tips of his fingers had blackened and hardened, turning his soft, woody fingertips to hard, stony claws. With this discovery, Kerrondern found it easier to dig and defend himself, and used this mutation extensively. However, he soon realized that the sickness caused him a ceaseless, dull pain where it showed. In addition, his constant use of the sickly parts had quickened the spread of it, and it wasn't until the Stonerot (as he found it to be named later on) had claimed his elbow that Kerrondern was forced to stop its extensive use. From then on, Kerrondern resolved to only use his arm when necessary, and worked to use his left arm more. This severely cut his ability to find good food, and caused his already slow growth to fall back to a virtual crawl. However, Kerrondern came across a hunter's campsite, and quickly found an ax, stone headed with a wood shaft, bound with leather. In doing so, though, Kerrondern accidentally acquainted himself with the hunter, who flew into a fear-driven frenzy. Kerrondern, frightened by the sudden appearance of the human, wasn't able to react fast enough to avoid the ax that was driven into him. Thrown into the campfire, Kerrondern could only scream in agony as the flames licked over him, and the ax was viciously yanked from his body. Days later, after scrambling away from the hunter, Kerrondern collapsed from exhaustion and was awoken by a young girl, who calmed him and nursed him back to health.

This reprieve was short lived, though, as the hunter had tracked Kerrondern, looking to bring home a prize. Upon seeing the young girl with Kerrondern, the hunter believed she was bewitched, and attempted to kill Kerrondern. The girl saw him coming, and threw herself in the way, and was slain on the spot. Kerrondern, watching his first friend die in front of him, flew into a red-eyed rage, and attacked the hunter before running away from the corpse of his friend. The hunter's body had been eviscerated so badly, parts of him decorated the treetops, several hundred feet in the air, but his head was kept entirely intact, save for his missing eyes. From then on, Kerrondern swore to slay any man he came across, and aid any girl he found. This didn't go according to plan, as Kerrondern soon became the Scourge of Fathers, leaving many of the girls, whom he believed he was helping, orphaned and afraid. It wasn't until one such girl did what no other had, and attacked him. Kerrondern, though unable to understand the words she screamed as she beat him, understood the intent behind them, and after killing the girl, ceased his hunting of men. After 21 human years, Kerrondern found himself exploring a town of mixed races, filled with humans, elves, dwarves, and even a handful of his own ilk, the Demonics.
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So let us begin.
Name is great (I cannot judge fantasy names especially since it is dealing with an unestablished race) and the pronunciation guide is convenient for the same reason.

Gender as undefined is great as it gives us an understanding of how fantastical or alien this race is. Age also gives us an understanding of the race that we have no other context for.

Birthplace more describes the nature of how he was born. Personally I would want the information that he was spawned in the desert here instead.

Skipping to Class/Role: This section is awkward by nature, as it is more descriptive of a video game than a story. Using a term like tank fits the question the section poses, but the question itself does not fit. As close to a knight is better. Tanky means nothing in terms of story, as tanks in video games are defined more by numbers than a particular style.

Having a height, weight, build, appearance, and properties sections seem redundant. But overall the descriptions given give a solid picture of what exactly he is. Since we are talking about appearance, it reminds me of a tree based dwarf like being. There are no logical holes in this physical design.

In affiliations, I do not seen any reason why he would be loyal to his mother. Might need to look through and justify it, as this section seems to imply an active loyalty/ association. But the backstory doesn't show any proof of this or any reason it could.

Afflictions has a distinction since it sounds like the rest of his body is already rock hard. Either his sickness has spread everywhere, or there needs to be a reason Stonerot is an issue. I want to ask if it is more like he is being petrified and literally turning into basically a statue? In a similar vein, what do you mean by controling the disease? Isn't it a slow creeping thing? Also it makes sense it spreads if he uses his arm similar to how poison spreads through the body, but so does he put his arm in a sling to make sure it cannot move or does it hang loosely? Because the second one would still have the rot moving.

His fears I feel are more of a joke that he is treelike than logical, except his fear of fire. I mean I suppose a fantasy wood chipper would be scary for anyone, but he has the hardness of stone not wood as stated. Limiting the threat of blades by a lot. Now he may have bad memories and not forget the thrown axe... But a phobia when he uses one seems odd.

If he wears no clothes, why would he bother with the pauldron? He is already naturally armored. Same with weapons. Why a stone axe, if his good arm is already basically one itself? Using what was basically a woodsman axe for combat makes sense for his age though.
Technically that rope is acting as a belt, should be put under clothes technically.
I like the idea of that rock being used like a piercing or as basically jewelry for this guy.

Skills is where we get some eyebrows raised for me. The one handed weapon and shield style is awesome and a great fantasy/ historical staple, but if he doesn't even use his stonerot arm for gathering food, how does it taking blows not agitate his disease? I like the use, but not sure why he really needs the stonerot condition. It may have been me miss reading.
Also side note: due to his height wouldn't the stone axe be long for him since it was built for an average sized human who is about two to three feet taller than him? Or is it a hatchet?

BACKSTORY TIME! THE REAL MEAT OF THE CHARACTER CARD! THE PART WHERE YOU CAN FLEX YOUR STORY MUSCLES AS THE REST IS MOSTLY REFERENCE NOTES!!!

Rash makes no context in this use. The story is short sweet and doesn't try hard which helps it. Since he went exploring it can be hand waved that his status as the folk creature "Scourge of Fathers" is a very localized thing for the village he was by.

So those are my thoughts on this Character Card. It has a lot of good things going for it, and the best part is nothing that induces cringe in me as a writer. Very solid.

Name: Agandaur

Race: Khajiit

Age: about 45

Personality: Quiet/ Some what reserved

Looks: 7'0", extremely muscular, he looks like a cross between a snow leopard and a bobcat.

Weapons: He wears a great sword on his side, and wields it like a long sword, one handed. He also keeps a silver dagger on his belt, just in case.

History: he grew up in elsewyre, and fought in the last great war, where he lost his left eye. After the war ended, he moved to skyrim, for a new start, and to forget the past. But his sense of adventure always gets the best of him. While serving in the great war, he became very skilled as a battle mage, but likes to call himself a paladin

Since this is a short one, and Skyrim this will be a lot shorter therefore worth putting a quick post in for.

The name doesn't quite seem to fit lore, from my research into the Khajiit culture I would say the only thing "wrong" is the lack of pronoun.

Age is perfectly as in lore, Khajiit live about the same as humans of the world.

Personally on the personality, you have a solid start here. As by definition quiet people are going to be considered reserved.

He is huge for a Khajiit, and is likely one of the Khajiiti Cathay. Since it is lore friendly more power to you!

Weapons are interesting. As he is using a two hander as a long sword raises an eyebrow, but if you accept that I raise mine at him using a silver dagger. Why not a shortsword since it would be basically the same due to his size.

Now the biggest thing about this character card is how much is missing. The fact he is missing his eye should be under appearance. Assides from details within the cards about him and his character (as in his means of seeing and interacting with the world), he has a very good start. The only words of advice I would input is that you should fill him out a bit more. For example, why does he refer to himself as a paladin? Does the magic he became skilled at focus more on the defensive, or is he offensive but uses it to "smite" the wicked.

That is the big things I see about this card. If you want you can PM me for more detailed looks if you are so inclined.

@EpicVakarian

GENERAL

Name: Bethany Swyft, called Beth
Gender: Female
Age: 22
Laterality: Right-handed
Height: 5'9
Weight: 140lbs
Role: Scout, stealth
Dialogue colour: This red, if available

APPEARANCE

Hair: Mid-long, dark brown, wrapped up out of the way.
Eyes: Dark blue.
Build: Fairly tall, thin and lean yet strong for her size, and extremely agile.
Other: Many small scratches cover her hands. Freckled cheeks.

PERSONALITY

Positive traits: Intelligent, subtle, kind, friendly, strong-willed.
Negative traits: Relatively humourless, bossy, sometimes over-determined.
Likes: Climbing, heights, people being unaware of her presence.
Dislikes: Discrimination, bullying, stupidity, arrogance and ignorance.
Fears: Failure.

EQUIPMENT

Clothing:

Weapons: A long knife strapped to her thigh, slightly curved. Beth sharpens it regularly.

BACKSTORY

Beth's parents were abusive and unkind; they saw Beth and her younger sister as slave labour, rather than as family. They would lay back and relax while Beth and her sister did all the hard work, driving them to exhaustion.

One day, when Beth was eleven, her father came home in a drunken rage. Her sister tried to calm him down, but only angered him more, and he ended up accidentally killing her in his wrath. It was that day when Beth vowed to herself that she would escape her parents.

She spent her days reading, when she wasn't forced into a task by one of her parents. She managed to procure her knife, aged 14, and began to plot. She learnt how to hide, how to sneak, how to go unseen. She learnt how to climb, and use the rooftops as her paths; after all, no-one ever looks up.

And at the age of 19, finally, she put her plan into action. Her father went out to work, and her mother told Beth to wash the dirty linens. For the first time, Beth refused, and when her mother went to strike her for her insolence, she dodged and buried her knife in her mother's abdomen. The shock in her eyes was quite enjoyable to Beth. She twisted the knife, then withdrew it and pushed her mother to the ground, where she died not long afterward.

When her father returned from work, and saw his wife murdered, he charged at Beth. But she was too quick; she dodged, again and again, and then slashed at him with her knife, again and again, but he leapt backwards, avoiding the attacks. Determined to end it, Beth leapt forward, yelling as she sank the knife into her father's throat, once and twice and thrice and again and again and again, until his head was all but severed from his body.

She has wandered the land ever since, searching for a good cause to put her name to.
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Yay, our first female character!

Like the name, though I want to ask is Swyft an assumed name or her birth name. The "y" seems over the top to the Xtreme, but that is more my own personal gripe than any real issue.

While young, her timeline doesn't try to squeeze to much into it while also giving her three years of open history. This is great for stories/books and it is great for RPs. Giving wiggle room for subplots you haven't figured out.

Weight and height can be under appearance. Also something was bugging me so I looked into it. For her height to weight, the body type I saw was more medium or "average." Depending on how you want to proportion her out. "Fairly" and "thin" can be dropped from the description. Assuming humans are like our world's humans.

Her role is pretty straight forward, though in a nit pick frenzy, why is she a scout instead of a rogue? Is this part of her three years missing from her past? Why a scout and not like Rogue?

For appearance, I think you are relying on the appropriated picture for her description. For example, her hair. How is it braided? This can be general but is it braided into a hanging pony tail? Or is it braided to wrap around her head like french braids?

Nitpicking again, but her strength and agility are more attributes to me than physical appearance traits. On the subject of her strength, "Strong for her size" is the wrong type of vague, as it doesn't paint a picture. Using terms to make it a physical description like "muscular" with an adjective like "surprisingly" or highly toned muscles. You get a mental picture with the same implications.

In Other, personally I would replace "scratches" with "scars." Both are vague but for me scratches imply fresh wounds ranging from not breaking skin to bleeding to almost a laceration.

For her face you just used an image. This removes the character's unique identity, reducing her a cardboard cutout. This can lead to issues writing her as you see the character you borrowed from instead of this independent character.

Her personality sounds good, though when I read through the card a few times questions appeared. For example, Friendly and humorless are conflicting traits. "Relatively" has no context. so while I can assume she has a trigger for this trait, with this formatting it feels unnecessary to me.

Instead of over-determined, use words that describe exactly what you want (that is why English is one of the hardest second languages you can get, we have words for every level or condition of an emotion or adjective) in this case words you can try are: obsessive or stubborn. Both mean over-determined but are one word and come across with a more detailed description.

Also you put kind as one of her traits, when the backstory lacks any indication of kindness.

More questions arise when we get to likes. Her being described as friendly, when one of her likes paints her as anti-social. Liking "to be unnoticed by people" ties well into the trauma she had growing up (more on the backstory coming soon).

I must take time to applaud the logical pros/cons formed by her personality in the form of her having a strong will and "over-determined" nature. This will create a good character dynamic to explore.

Her dislikes seem generic, but with her background as a traveler, she would deal with these things on a grander scale and constantly.

To put it bluntly, she needs more fears. Her fear of failure is vague, and without context is meaningless. Her backstory gives her no overreaching goal, rendering her so called "Over-determination" and "fear of failure" lose their meaning when so far she has nothing to be determined about and no failure condition to justify her fearing the chance of failing. As far as I can tell. Her backstory also gives you good sources of fears or even simple goals. Police, vigilantes, vengeful family, bounty hunters, claustrophobia, etc. Give her potential avenues for you to explore. Which is exciting.

Equipment is the weakest section of this card, because it has even less information than the appearance section. I would recommend you write up cards without pictures, you may write with a reference picture by you, but none in the submitted app.

Even general descriptions would tell me more than this. Even though in the RP/ Story the clothes are sometimes only mentioned in the introduction, they still need a written description.

When appropriating images, you rarely get exactly what you want. And this picture misleads, by presenting equipment she doesn't have. My complaints are due to the lack of information, especially without the context of her social standing, those clothes are fancy and immaculately tailored. How did she get them? (I do like that it at least shows you imagine her with clothes allowing freedom of movement, tying in her likes.)

Yay! Weapon maintenance is mentioned. Not much said, and not much to say. Luckily her backstory paints us a picture of what it is likely like.

B-b-b-b-b-backstory!
It is a solid concept in general. There are details you may want to consider, if not for the card, for the story as she may talk about her past. Her father's job, his old social standing/ his upbringing, the mother's upbringing/ condition (does the drunkard of a father beat the mother and that is why she isn't protective of her girls?), maybe even the nature of the neighborhood they grew up in.

As I mentioned earlier, her father can be used to quickly characterize the mother. If she grew up with this drunken dad all her life, why did the sister decide to get in his way this time? Or at least what changed that the drunk father finally ended up killing his daughter?

"Spent her time reading" also relies on her social standing, as there is no indication of a standardized education. This also would be better if she was consistently sneaking off, since her current backstory implies she is worked ragged and still has energy to get some books and find a nice place to read them. While it is disproportionate, it could justify the abusive punishment.

I like the idea that she worked to get a knife, but why does it take 3 years? Just snatch one off the dinner table or something and hide it. Her self training should supplement what she already does, which is why I recommended she sneak off a lot or hide herself in her home from her parents.

Next big issues, why does she not run away from home? Why does an otherwise normal girl decide when revealed her parents will be fine with murdering her, that killing both of them is the best plan? Plotting for 5 years (tons of time for a 14 year old to even try to fathom) needs context. Why did she wait so long to perform what in most cases would be a crime of passion?

Even if you hate someone murder isn't something normal people enjoy. The crime of passion killing of her father feels more brutal, while also the most normal/sane. She just went blind with fear and rage and ended up ripping her father up. The mother's death on the other hand screams psycho/sociopath. Hell she got her in the gut (something that normally takes a few hours to bleed out from, though you faint sooner) and twisted the knife. Enjoying inflicting wounds and killing says more about her personality, and can be seen as contradicting what you said about her personality.

Leaving home is logical due to all the bad associations, though fearing reprimands or retribution for her actions makes more sense to me than the vague "good cause."

Overall, I like the concept and the character type she fills. Some details, I would suggest you look at.

Definitely RP ready, just need to be prepared to be aware of some of the snags within the character.

@Gidian This card is special because it could also be notes for a possible book which can change the information.
General Information

Name:
Tracker Jack

Race:
Appears human

Gender:
Male

Apparent Age:
Mid-late teens

Birth Place:
An encampment in the larger coalition community that's set up

Birth Date:
Equivalent of January 1

Sexuality:
Heterosexual

Laterality:
Right handed

Marital Status:
Single

Class/Role:
Apprentice/Student Soldier


Properties:
None

Affiliations:
His mother and father are very well known, highly regarded warriors. His adopted brother is an up and coming warrior of considerable ability, and currently has also gained quite a reputation.

Afflictions:
Mentally unstable, hears voices in his head and is subject to delusions

Religion:
None

Patron Deity:
None

Aspirations:
To hunt anything that offers a challenge, to escape the shadow of his family, to maintain the adoration of his sister and protect her, to put his adopted brother where he feels is his place

Fears:
To be unable to do anything, due to injury or otherwise, losing his sister (either through death or losing her adoration), losing to his adopted brother, his parents, Shadoxen

Likes:
Hunting, challenges, conflict, pranks, violence, competition, winning

Dislikes:
Inactivity, his parents, his adopted brother, the voices in his head, his delusions, his own mind, himself, Shadoxen

Personality:
He's almost impossible to offend, thinks he's friends with everyone, and can generally come off as charismatic. He's also extremely reckless, and doesn't often take much seriously. However, nice as he may seem, he has a tendency to size others up as if imagining how much fun they would be to hunt. He's got a psychopathic as well as sociopathic streak to him, and while he may seem sane most of the time, it can be reasonably assumed that he is not. He's an adrenaline junky, and so enjoys putting himself to the test in almost any form. He daily wrestles with his mental instabilities and struggles with the emotions he does feel. He can reasonably manage his voices and delusions a lot of the time, but sleep rarely comes easy to him, and when it does it's rarely pleasant. His compassion and remorse are highly staunched, and he feels such things very little if at all.

Appearance

Height:
5'9"

Weight:
Roughly 140Ibs.

Build:
Athletic, fit. More lean than muscular

Eye Color:
Black (like a shark's)

Hair Color:
Black

Hair Length:
Short-Medium

Hair Style:
Kept with a knife, rough

Facial Hair:
None

Scars:
The few cuts and scrapes one would expect from a few minor hunting accidents and the like

Posture/Bearing:
Extremely lazy and extremely confident if not arrogant

Casual Attire:
Earthy colored shirt, pants, jacket, and boots. Made of mostly animal hides

Armor:
No real dedicated set, whatever is issued or provided to him

Weapons:
Longsword, Hunting knife, Throwing Knife, survivalist hatchet

Equipment:
General hunting supplies

Skills/Attributes

He's pretty hardy for his size and youth, as well as decently skilled with his weapons of choice. However, his strengths mainly lie with hunting and stalking, and the skills which are involved in those fields. He has had far more experience with fighting and killing wild beasts than humanoids and such (through stalking and cunning). However he can hold his own in a fight; his dark creativity, shrewd intelligence, ruthlessness, and love of violence making him a deadly opponent. His mental instability also makes him highly unpredictable, and thus he should at the very least be respected in combat as one would a dangerous wild animal; unpredictable and willing to kill without hesitation. He has a very keen killer instinct. He is also familiar with creating, utilizing, and even detecting various poisons and venoms. He has basic levels of skill in first aid, and is familiar with anti venoms and cures for the poisons and such that he is a familiar with.

He is very keen, his senses extremely well honed due to being raised nearly from birth in conditions which made maximizing the usefulness of such functions paramount to survival.

History (Early, Early Teens, Late Teens, Adulthood)
I would prefer to reveal this through more organic means throughout the course of the RP, but I will be adding information to it when I can. There is, however, a LOT of information I could write about Jack, so I would prefer not to have my time dominated here.

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So either his given name is Tracker, who used psychic powers or he doesn't have a family name. I would put quotes around things like titles or nicknames so "Tracker" Jack, jus for the card, for card's sake. If he is disowned or his family was wiped out there should still be his family name but possibly crossed out or noted as not applicable like if I had a disowned character his name on the card would be Simon McCall (Disowned). This is mostly opinion but it gives a decent picture in absence of background knowledge.

Appears Human is either a race name like the Near Humans from Star Wars or an attempt to keep mystery. Since he has an inhuman appearance (based on my interpretation) this feels awkward. For your book you should just put his actual race and you will be golden.

If he is of an unknown race, I think "appears Male" is necessary. Since the concept of gender itself as a neat binary is being proven wrong among our own race. With his status as another race means you have room to play with is concept, if you so choose.

Apparent Age is suffers from the same issue as "Appears Human." This is exaggerated by the fact instead of putting time in years for reference, you put Mid-Late teens. As this is such a variable time in human development, this means even less than it normally would Ignoring the fact describing age by looks is just a trap, it is with women and it is fiction. Especially since his lifestyle would make him look old for his "Apparent Age," as well. This will at least save him from the gripe of "how does he have these skills if he is so young." For your book notes, you should definitely have a concrete number.

Place of Birth is conflicting for me. As it is an accurate description of his Birthplace, on the other hand settlements have names, and it would clean up this section. This also brings up the question of how the community is laid out to have a camp within its settlement (like are there just tents in the middle of a small village?) As well as what the coalitions goal is to have such an odd setup.

As he is not human putting "aas or identifies as heterosexual for his race" might be good. If he has a love interest, always a potential in fiction, not of his race refer to him as a xenophile or some such accurate descriptor.

His class doesn't make sense in the context given from the rest of the card. If Apprentice/Student is an adjective for soldier, there is no indication currently he is one (a soldier). In fact, almost all of his personal traits make him incompatible for a soldier, in what I consider the "Soldier" class to mean. If you want to imply army service Scout/ Ranger would serve you much better.

Delete the Properties section, if he has none or it isn't a logical follow up section (Why would an Atheist have a Patron Diety?)

His "affiliations" are just his family. One constantly mentioned he hates. Why would he have loyalties to them? Should be clarified or changed to his sister and possibly himself.

I feel mentally unstable is kind of rendered moot or redundant if you describe his symptoms here. He has a lot wrong with him that push the suspension to disbelief of his ability to function let alone any semblance of competency.

Aspirations require context. For a book I hope he is a secondary character or maybe a villain as he seems to have no sympathetic qualities. Backstory gives context to his aspirations and would help this. I also want to ask: What does his sister think of his family? This question is for the book dossier, because the sister is a prop when she is actually an instrumental character to his story.

Fears are interesting. Fearing helplessness (Would use one word when you can as your first few descriptions are literally this word's definition.) This is just my interpretation, but "Sister's Adoration" runs the risks (this is where backstory and within the story helps clarify) of sounding like a case of incest. "Losing to his adoptive brother" feels like more of a dislike since he isn't running in abject fear at the idea of losing to him. Same with Shadoxen. Fearing his parents implies tons of abuse. Good this is where backstory comes in (Since I was given backstory after I wrote this out it will be tacked on later.- Skies))
"Why is he deathly afraid of his parents?" can have surprising depth, make a note of it being a subplot in the book.

His likes are interesting, but some seem redundant. Conflict and Violence being the most obvious. Also, no one likes losing. Winning is not a like worth putting down. "Challenging himself, especially though competition "would streamline his likes in my opinion.

Dislikes are important as I feel they are tied to his fears section. Him being racist due to insecurity (reading into his skills and the fear placement.) His obsession with being "active" likely ties into his psychopathy, good work on getting actual symptoms of the condition. Just say he doesn't like himself and his mental afflictions.

Personality is good and bad. First, don't say he is charming or charismatic, show it. His personality should imply it. Since psychopathy is noted as infalliable self image and impossibly confident, it fits what you say about his personality. But it can conflict with things like his likes and dislikes. As a sociopath people are tools, not friends putting his sister's position as an odd one. Reckless and taking things seriously don't seem like natural pairings to me. Sizing people up should be under likes. Psycho and Socio pathy should be constant and under afflictions. Nothing about this character implies he could fly under the radar as sane. I feel he would be like Max in Fury Road, twitchy and obviously not all there mentally. Adrenaline Junkie is all you need to say. We already knows he like challenges, r-r-r-redundancy. "Struggle with emotions he does feel" is borderline not personality and worse, an awkward sentence. Maging his delusions should be a note in the afflictions section. I would put he is "stoic and rarely displays his emotions." Just a touch less redundant Personality I would boil down is what people see on the outside. Internal business doesn't have a place here.

Height, weight, and build hold up under research, good business. Eyes are spoilers, could have said black and kept some of the mystery hidden for within said story.

Hair can be one section. Hairstyle is what it looks like, not how it is cut. I want to say word it differently, building on "rough" with terms like "uneven length" and "shaggy."

How does he shave perfectly? If he can't doesn't groom his head properly, how/why does he make sure he doesn't have a beard?

Scars need better explaination, especially since people may not hunt or modern hunting may not produce the same scars.
Posture/ bearing is useless since you have a personality section. Also arrogance means overconfidence in self. Consider if he can back up his words/attitude, he isn't arrogant.

Casual Attire fits his characterization, but not his class/role as I interpreted it. Armor is in the same boat. Since he seems like a scavenger right now, but soldiers are given standard equipment.

Weapons split his role more than anything else. Sword fits his soldier class. Knives and hatchet fit his hunter characterization. Throwing knife seems impractical, and to consider giving him something like a bowie knife. Letting you keep the throwing potential while keeping the practical hunter image. Also why doesn't he have a bow or spear? Claims to like hunting, constantly thinks of it (to the point of imagining hunting people he meets) but doesn't carry weapons necessary for the activity. Just seems odd to me.

Explain your equipment, general hunting supplies means nothing. and it would be useful for world building, especially for the book dossier. Runs the risk of being the BS "I have this random thing perfect to save my ass in this random situation."

Skills/Attributes are vague, vague, vague! Example of his hardiness would be helpful (this is where a backstory is useful). What is his weapon of choice? He carries a four based on what is listen in this card. We shouldn't have to guess his favored weapon. Hunting and stalking are redundant in the context given, unless this stalking involves pretty ladies or his sister. Separating hunting and stalking earlier confuses stalking as it appears later followed by "and such."

"He can hold his own in a fight" means nothing without context. "Dark creativity" is in the same boat unless he writes/ tells really good scary stories. Shrewd and intelligence are synonyms and like most of the things here have no context. Most of this can be cleaned up and some even moved to personality. Unpredictability is an asset, but due to his insanity it would be more of a hindrance I think. Seeing and hearing things not there is one of the worst detriments you can have in a combat situation. As a fight drags on (following the logic that he can suppress them with his will) he would simply fall apart as the fight drags on.

There is another redundancy, and the latter part though is nice and concise. First aid and poisons seem like random skills, backstory for context would be nice. Listing items in equipment to let us know also works. "His senses are extremely well honed" when he has mental issues attacking said senses? means what would be an advantage for normal person, is a weakness for him. Something to be considered. "Raised nearly from birth" put this in backstory and build on it. Show don't tell.

Backstory- Unless you RP with Metagaming assholes, this is shooting yourself in the foot. If you have a lot of info, then you can filter out enough to make a decent working backstory. Your character lacks the logical reason to open up, ignoring the fact his mental instability means he could not even know it after some time. For an RP you need this backstory, if for the book then leave it out. "Prefer not to have my time dominated here" well by this point I have to wonder what on this card did dominate your time?

Has a "character was made before" feel. Lack of details when there are signs you have them is less lazy writing, more just bad writing. As for a book dossier, those require more details, and not having them recorded leaves you open to random thoughts lost that would add a lot to the character.

Overall good, but has the feel of "He is super engaging and mysterious I tell you!"
Basically too much "I won't tell you, you have to read" in something meant to tell you everything not critically important.

@KageYuuki

Name: Falin Nightlake

Gender: Female

Species: Bosmer

Age: 210 (Looks like she's in her late twenties though)

Class: Agent

Major Skills: Stealth and archery

Weapons: Senche Tiger bone dagger, bow

Appearance:

Falin shares many similarities with other Bosmer: a small, slender yet strong build that allows for an agile fighting style, and her eyes carry the unnatural look Bosmer are known for. Black sclera with a blood red iris. She prefers to keep her snow white hair cut very short. The wild hair often appearing spiked on its own.

Taking on an aspect of the Wild Hunt out of desperation wasn't without its consequences. Horns now grow from her head and her teeth are closer to a Senche Tiger's than a Bosmer's.

While typically hidden beneath her armor, her right arm is covered in a sleeve of intricate tattoos. Complex knot work of vines and flowers representing the Bosmeri connection to the Green. The emblem of the Warriors of Y'ffre can be seen at the top near her shoulder.

Her armor is made from leather. Dragon scales have been meticulously layered along the cuirass, vambraces and boots resulting in an armor than can absorb some blows but still allow her to move freely. Carved dragon bone adds ornamentation while providing for extra reinforcement.

Personality:

• Generally polite unless around friends. Being with people she knows tends to bring out the more playful and teasing side of her.
• While she's willing and able to work with others, she does enjoy the peace that can come with being alone
• Given that most of her village was burned down, she has a fear of fire. She's far more likely to just freeze up until survival instinct kicks in and forces her to move. She has gotten to the point that she's fine with campfires and fireplaces given they're under control.

Quirks:

• Does not like people touching her horns
• When angry or frustrated, she's likely to be hiding someplace high up. Be it the treetops or the rafters of a building.
• Despises the cold

History:
As a child, she unintentionally led to her village being "cleansed" by the Thalmor due to the humans that had married into and lived with the clans. Nearly everyone that lived there had been killed. She was found by a group known as the "Warriors of Y'ffre." Among the patrol that found her was a young recruit by the name of Dereth Nightlake. What began as a rather bitter rivalry between the two eventually developed into a very close friendship. Ask around the members of the Nightlake clan or fellow Warriors of Y'ffre and they'd tell you the two were practically married though they would vehemently deny that claim. Falin adopting the Nightlake surname doesn't help her argument.

Being raised and trained by the warrior sect led to her becoming a close follower of the Green Pact. A series of rules put in place by the god Y'ffre in exchange for giving the Bosmer their form. Thanks to her rigorous training, she's become an expert marksman. However despite her strength from scaling and maneuvering through trees, she struggles to hold her own in close combat. Falin eventually decided to leave Valenwood and begin wandering Tamriel in search of some kind of purpose.

She ran into Sauriil while traveling through Skyrim and was pulled into helping save Tamriel from Daedric invasion. After helping cleanse Nirn of corruption in a later adventure, she was named an Immortal and became the vessel of Y'ffre. Though her newfound powers came with a cost: she could never settle down. Trying to create some kind of permanent home would result in tragedy befalling it and destroying it.

Abilities: As an Immortal, Vessel of the god Y'ffre, she's been granted abilities that others wouldn't normally be able to use

• Controlling the Green: She is able to take control of plants and use roots and vines as an enchanted binding on her opponents. Plant life will bend to her will and she can use them to gather information on the surrounding area. This ability is amplified greatly within Valenwood
• Summon Spectral Beasts: Call spectral creatures to aid in scouting, combat, or travel. However, these creatures can be easily slain. They can be summoned even if she's unconscious as a sort of defense mechanism.
• Champions of the Hunt: Summon the champions from previous Wild Hunts. Can only be used once per week
• The Great Story: Access and even alter the memories of another. Requires the person to be in a trance like state otherwise it causes great strain on her and the one whose Story she's viewing. Also more likely to fail.

Misc.

• Outside of her abilities as an Immortal, she is incapable of using any kind of spell.
• While her title is Immortal, that does not mean she's truly immortal. Time won't kill her, though wounds certainly can.
• As a result of almost becoming a creature of the Hunt. Her sight, hearing, and sense of smell are far greater than any man or mer
• She can heal from minor cuts, bruises, etc. in a matter of minutes. More serious cuts are typically healed in 5 hours. Grievous wounds and broken bones require several days to recover from.
  • She cannot regenerate lost limbs, digits, etc. Teeth, however, seem to grow back after a month or so.

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Disclaimer: I had to do some research since I do not really know Bosmer, so it may feel light if only because I want to avoid ignorance.

After some searching around, her name is 100% lore friendly. I salute you!

While she is old for a Bosmer it is possible even before being made immortal. "Looks like her late twenties" puts an elf in human terns. I would consider saying "despite her age she still looks like a very young Bosmeri woman."

If the class is based on the Oblivion description, then the armor technically throws this off (In Oblivion agents did not have armor skills). But I suppose it could be her day job. She sounds more like what I would describe as an Archer, because I do not see her working for anybody for long periods of time. Hunter or Ranger might be more accurate.

Major skills seem very much Bosmer. Her entire design throughout the card is very consistent in what you wanted. Same with her weapons, I assume she uses arrows she finds or does she just use the bone arrows she started with?

When it comes to appearance I have to ask: What kind of horns does she have? Bull, Goat, Elk? What exactly is coming out of her skull? Little nubs or huge things?
Also related to this, why not put a description of the Warriors of Y'ffre's emblem. It would help finish the picture.

For her personality would you describe her as a professional? I feel there are worlds that can accurately describe how exactly her personality is. Sounds like she relaxes once she gets to know someone, but I want to ask what does she do if she doesn't like the person she has gotten to know? Does she stay cold and polite?
Being on a new team does she create issues as she is not adjusted to team play? Or is she professional enough to defer to the leader and follow commands?
Also does she have a preference solo or team work?

I like she has made progress on her fears, since it sounded like she had a major phobia. I can only imagine what you can do with her recent history of her dealing with this.
On the same note I like her quirks, but her dislike of the cold made me wonder why she stayed in Skyrim. Or does she favor the southern parts of Skyrim?

Her backstory paints her age well, but I found a few snarls with the timeline (which itself has snarls... uuugh) Thalmor came to power 4E22, that means the Daedric invasion had been over for 22 years, as an elf I can pass it that a child is older than what we associate as a child. So I would consider rearranging her backstory. So she grew up and fought in the Oblivion Crisis, then the Thalmor trouble occurred some years later. Check out the Night of Green Fire in lore. It would fit, but would mix up the timeline.
With all her training I am surprised she has trouble with melee combat, maybe not like it but I don't see her as an amateur. Or is it just a personal lack of interest/ practice at melee combat?
Being an immortal as an extension of her religion makes sense. Think of possible rituals she could describe in story if it ever comes up in RP. The cost of her powers makes a lot of sense.

These paired with her status as an Immortal gives you the advantage of being able to justify her in any RP baring a domestic RP. Her special powers are not overpowered compared to anything in lore, comparable to shouts. I assume Champions of the Great Hunt summons spirits. Surprised at how her healing factor isn't that strong, and that it can regenerate teeth. more a fun observation than anything.

It is a solid card but I would consider looking at her backstory and maybe even her age.

This one is a little different, this is me making a character and trying to walk you through my process.


Name: Bendito “Blackcoat” Del Rey

Gender: Male

Race: Mexican

Age: Just turned 30

Build: Medium, slightly toned

Height: 5’10”

Weight: 151 lbs.

Appearance: Has dark tanned skin from wandering out in the Wastes so long. His hair is medium length and sun-bleached and is often tied into a short ponytail, but has black eyebrows.

Personality: When not preaching he is quiet, serene, and thoughtful. Never really raising his voice and possessing an aura of warmth and comfort. When “preaching” or in combat he is loud and shows little concern for his own life. Is known to cough a lot if excited or exerted, lasting effects of his Asthma.

Sexuality: Heterosexual, but for all practical purposes due to his virtues is asexual.

Occupation: Wandering Holy Man, helper of the downtrodden, ex-Paladin

Time in the Sierra Madre: Three days.

Tagged! Skills: Speech, Medicine, Small Guns

S.P.E.C.I.A.L. (Start from 1 and you get 21)

Strength 2

Perception 3

Endurance 3

Charisma 5

Intelligence 3

Agility 2

Luck 10

Gear: A pre-war priest outfit from Salida del Sol church, some medical supplies he happened to find. So far seems to be lacking a weapon, but hides a Police Pistol up his sleeve. Also has found a large backpack for holding anything to help those in need.

Background: Bendito was born to a family within the Brotherhood of Steel chapter hidden in NCR territory. He was raised with the intent of instilling absolute loyalty to the Codex, but the strange sickly young man got a different message. He was told of the Good the Codex represented, but instead of fixating on the Codex, he focused on the Good. Working not for the hoarding of technology but for uplifting the other members of the Brotherhood.

Even when he started training as a paladin, he never wavered. He was able to learn that some people were irredeemable, and that he would have to take drastic actions. Funnily enough, what they were trying to teach him was that “non-humans should be destroyed” he instead decided “Monsters have to prove it through actions, no being that willfully lives peacefully deserves to die.”

These beliefs were believed to be a phase, but over time it was apparent that this was not the case. They tried him for heresy and found him guilty, yet they could not execute him. He had helped so many people that if they killed him there would be a riot. So he was given his last standing order: Go into the world and help them any way you can.

Armed with his values and some gifts from others in the Brotherhood of Steel, he took on the name "Blackcoat" and started helping those who he felt deserved it. Raiders felt his wrath, settlers felt his compassion. He made sure to keep the Brotherhood connections a secret, as they were less than welcome in the NCR territory. As he made his way towards New Vegas he heard a broadcast by a beautiful woman. Hearing an angel, Deacon had to see if there was anyone to save.



So first thing when I start making a character card, I figure out my main concept. This means that I have a central Archetype I can construct my character around. So for example this character I want to make a Wasteland Prophet/ Holy man. Is he a priest? A Cultist? I personally do not know yet. So this RP system is easier to build a basic character around, because it is designed for a game. This means I don’t have to make up his stats, I just have to be familiar enough with the scale to know my limits within it.

So first I think, what would be the stand out features of my character? What do I want him to be good at?

So first I decide I think he should have a lot of luck. Because in the wasteland he would need it to survive, and it gives me a reason why he can have so much faith. He is so lucky it literally feels like divine intervention. So for now I am going to make a note on my card (Example: Luck /X>5*/), this is because I learned just enough coding and math to know this is a comment saying his luck should be above 5.

Next I think “He made it this far so he has to have some skills.” So let me say he has gun skills, because I like guns. But now I need to explain why a holy man knows how to pack heat. Since it is the wasteland and he is a wanderer, it explains why. But now he needs a reason why.

This is where I think about his backstory. Now something for me to consider is to avoid being too similar to established characters. By no means does this mean “If you have any connection you suck and deserve to die.” It just means I personally want this character to feel like my own. Personal OCD nature of me as a writer I am afraid.

Now I wanted to save this for later, since it is late, but I don’t have a name. I can either grab a name I used for a similar character, make a new name, or put in a filler name. But this is more behind the scenes mechanics.

So as a gunman I want to give him Perception and Agility, which I remember, but I also know as a preacher man he needs Charisma. This puts me in a bind. I have 4 primary stats. But I know for example two of them only need to be about 6. That means I have 15 points left to dole around, but I don’t want to be overspecialized. You can see up top what STATS I settled on.

Now I have his S.P.E.C.I.A.L. set up I have a good picture on how he operates. Due to his poor Strength and Endurance, I decided he is sickly, similar to Doc Holiday if you are familiar with the man or character. Ironically, his lower Charisma opens up some avenues for me to work with. So right now he is a lucky gunslinger who isn’t the most charismatic, why? Because he isn’t out to convert people, he is out to do Good. Now I need to figure out why he is at the Sierra Madre Casino. (As well as a fluffing name…)

Went back and found an online source that gave me the stats, basing it off the perks was silly but now I have a full stat character that I can appreciate. Now that he has stats that are more balanced but lean towards Charisma and Luck, he is the man who tries to make peace. But also the man who seems to survive no matter the odds.

So for now the gender is male, this is another odd thing of mine. I rarely play as a female character when the customization is mine. Probably due to it being a fantasy, and do not think gender matters enough for me to cross play.

Age is interesting, as backstory effects the plausibility of the character being as they are. That being said the wasteland opens it up so it gives me a decent range. I am going to go with late twenties, early thirties. This lets him still be young, while letting him have that experience and skill he needs to feel right to me.

Most of the things like Height, Weight, Build, and appearance are tied together. He is not the strongest man, nor the fastest. So his build should be pretty average. Personally I like to look at the other people in the group just to get a feel for the rest of the group. BY NO MEANS COMPROMISE YOUR CHARACTER FOR THE GROUP! But look at the current dynamics and try not to take anyone’s role, but also keep it realistic.

I randomly was looking at names, I decided I wanted one of his names to be of a Prophet. For epic feel as well as not so subtle meaning for his first name. Now this gives me some of his backstory, as who would name their son after a prophet? So I am working with the religious family angle, so now why did he leave his family?

So right now I am thinking he was given the name as his family hoped he would have some of that prophet’s wisdom. Now I have to think about how he was raised and how he would look. I am leaning towards an Irish/Scottish background. But that also has an air of cliché, which isn’t always bad. But I have to think about how I want to present this character. Walking Stereotypes rarely work out well.

So let me say I am imagining he doesn’t have a last name. Why? Because he ran away from home? Is it part of that sects rites of priesthood? Is it actually just a nickname? Now I am questioning the name, as maybe he is using an alias… What would he choose to call himself? Something that isn’t too threatening.

I need to give him a reason, to leave so I look to history. John Brown was an abolitionist who literally went out to fight slavery. The issue is 1. John Brown was insane and 2. The main slaver’s I can think of is either Paradise Falls or the Legion. Both need more than luck to fight.

Finally got back to thinking about the build. So he is not a large man, and his size befits his lack of a very physical nature. Also his weight is random based on the range on a BMI chart.

So I figured out part of his story, deciding to make him part of the Brotherhood of Steel. This makes it easier to understand his religious leanings as well as his name.

Decided that he has two sides, one is the calm and nice preacher the other is a boisterous fire and brimstone preacher when he fights.

Decided to name him Deacon, since it is a religious name and sounds like a normal name. For race, Deacon gives me a lot of flexibility, Irish is too stereotypical but I do like it. Also I need to consider, for some of my more out their choices that this is basically 1950s United States. I decided Hispanic also serves the role I want, and I remember that Mexican culture has a very unique version of Catholicism which could be reflected with his strange religious leanings in the wasteland.

His surname Del Rey means “Of the King” in Spanish, which could tie into his family in terms of the Brotherhood. They were bodyguards for the Elders.

Bendito means “Blessed” or “Fortunate” while also sounding like a real name. It also can be used like “poor you” so it can relate to his situation. So Deacon is a name he adopts as in his mind he is not truly a priest.

Now for his backstory, as his appearance is secondary. I know I want him associated with the Brotherhood of steel and I changed his skills to reflect that. I know he is Hispanic, and religious. And I know he left the Brotherhood so he could help people.

Due to the nature of the RP Gear is also not very pressing as most of it will be stripped as he has not been in The Villa much. After tinkering with his skills, I wrote what I could of a backstory.

It sucks.

It is vague and doesn’t have that refinement some RPs really require. So what can I add? Well, since this character is being made up on the spot, a lot can be added. But I posted it for review anyway.

I don’t have a weapon, so that is something I would have to consider giving him.

So far the RP head is surprised by his luck, but nothing too surprising. He loves the character but the name Deacon is used in FO4, will probably change it. Found an awesome nickname for clergyman “Blackcoat” So I will use that. As it adds a slightly sinister angle, but also sounds really cool. Also decided to have him hide a revolver up his sleeve as he needs to look unarmed, not be unarmed.

So there we go, that is basically my entire process of making a character. This may be hard to read, but I am always up to discuss what exactly is going on.

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