Skyrim Emergency Hotline/Therapy/Waffle Delivery

[Wolfking]

Tales of a Dunmer Mage, an Orsimer Warrior, and a Khajiit Ranger.
Hello. My name is not important. What is important is the story of a young mage by the name of Kalketh Darkcloak. Although the title seems more inclusive, these other characters are accomplices at best. Our story begins with the day Kalketh entered Skyrim...

The tunnel was long and dark. The swinging lamps did little to illuminate the party of Dunmer sneaking into Skyrim. Kalketh cursed as he scraped the roof of his head on the stony roof of the tunnel. The leader of the group, Dravilis, turned and hissed at him. "Shut the hell up!" Kalketh muttered an apology and staggered on again.
It had been roughly a month since the 14 Dunmer set out to enter Skyrim. Now, sneaking through a little known cave systems beneath the mountain ranges, they had found their entryway.
Suddenly, the procession halted. Kalketh heard an excited voice whisper "I think I've found the exit!" The group heaved a sigh of relief, most of them having been worried that they would die on this journey. He heard the sound of a boulder rolling away from the cave entrance and a split second later, the tunnel was flooded with bright, blinding light. Kalketh pushed and shoved his way to fresh air, staggering into the daylight. From the grunts and cries of outrage, he could tell he was not alone. He heard one old lady weeping softly, saying over and over again, "Beautiful, it's just beautiful." At that moment, Kalketh could not have agreed more.

But then, the beauty was shattered. A harsh voice cried out, "We got some over here!" and the thunder of hoof-beats echoed around the valley. Before he could react, arrows were whizzing around his head and thumping into the wet, muddy dirt. The old lady fell to the ground, gurgling through a crossbow bolt embedded in his throat. Kalketh attempted to flee, hurling himself down a hillside to evade the hailstorm of arrows. He felt a hand grab the hood of his robes and yank him back into the muddy clearing. Squelching in the mud, he managed to get to his feet, only for a spear haft to collide with his head, knocking him unconscious. His last view was of an angry Nord sneering down at him.

 

[Wolfking]

Tales of a Dunmer Mage, an Orsimer Warrior, and a Khajiit Ranger.
Hello. My name is not important. What is important is the story of a young mage by the name of Kalketh Darkcloak. Although the title seems more inclusive, these other characters are accomplices at best. Our story begins with the day Kalketh entered Skyrim...

The tunnel was long and dark. The swinging lamps did little to illuminate the party of Dunmer sneaking into Skyrim. Kalketh cursed as he scraped the roof of his head on the stony roof of the tunnel. The leader of the group, Dravilis, turned and hissed at him. "Shut the hell up!" Kalketh muttered an apology and staggered on again.
It had been roughly a month since the 14 Dunmer set out to enter Skyrim. Now, sneaking through a little known cave systems beneath the mountain ranges, they had found their entryway.
Suddenly, the procession halted. Kalketh heard an excited voice whisper "I think I've found the exit!" The group heaved a sigh of relief, most of them having been worried that they would die on this journey. He heard the sound of a boulder rolling away from the cave entrance and a split second later, the tunnel was flooded with bright, blinding light. Kalketh pushed and shoved his way to fresh air, staggering into the daylight. From the grunts and cries of outrage, he could tell he was not alone. He heard one old lady weeping softly, saying over and over again, "Beautiful, it's just beautiful." At that moment, Kalketh could not have agreed more.

But then, the beauty was shattered. A harsh voice cried out, "We got some over here!" and the thunder of hoof-beats echoed around the valley. Before he could react, arrows were whizzing around his head and thumping into the wet, muddy dirt. The old lady fell to the ground, gurgling through a crossbow bolt embedded in his throat. Kalketh attempted to flee, hurling himself down a hillside to evade the hailstorm of arrows. He felt a hand grab the hood of his robes and yank him back into the muddy clearing. Squelching in the mud, he managed to get to his feet, only for a spear haft to collide with his head, knocking him unconscious. His last view was of an angry Nord sneering down at him.

This story will continue, if you guys want.

 

[sticky runes]

I need some advice.

My friend who is a blacksmith is extremely happy about his wife's pregnancy, as he's always wanted to be a dad and pass his skills on to somebody to carry on his family business in case he gets killed by dragons or vampires or something.
The problem is, his wife has been saying she's pregnant for about 15 months now.
And she's still as slender as the day she was when they first met.
I think the bitch might be lying. should I tell my friend about this, or stay out of it?

 

[Wolfking]

I need some advice.

My friend who is a blacksmith is extremely happy about his wife's pregnancy, as he's always wanted to be a dad and pass his skills on to somebody to carry on his family business in case he gets killed by dragons or vampires or something.
The problem is, his wife has been saying she's pregnant for about 15 months now.
And she's still as slender as the day she was when they first met.
I think the bitch might be lying. should I tell my friend about this, or stay out of it?

The truth is almost always preferable to lies. You should be straightforward with your friend.

 

[Abyssion]

Greetings Marsh-Friend; I am Utadeek, Argonian Dovahkiin. The problem I have is rather personal; you see I cannot get a brilliant shine to my scales like the rest of my Skyrim based kinsmen such as; Derkeethus, Madesi and Talen-Jei. This matter is getting me very down, now I refuse to leave Breezehome due to it, please help me.

 

[Wolfking]

Tales of a Dunmer Mage, an Orsimer Warrior, and a Khajiit Ranger. (Cont.)

Kalketh opened his eyes, slowly returning to consciousness. He stumbled to his feet, sliding in the slippery ground. Before he could react, a rough hand grabbed him by his shoulder and forced him to his knees. His hands were then bound with rope and he was forced to his feet and shoved into line with the rest of his party.
They were being held by a group of Nords in the ragtag combination of iron, leather, and fur worn by bandits. They were led by a huge Nord with a steel warhammer on his back. "Well, well, well. Look's like we got some greyskins here, eh boys?" said the bandit leader. The men nodded and one called out.
"Hey, one of 'ems a wizard, too.", he said, pointing at Kalketh. He was pushed forward from the others, staggering slightly. His mind was whirring. These were clearly vigilantes of some sort, hunting for entering Dunmer, and killing them. He shivered nervously as the bandits laughed and joked. One of the men drew a sword and stalked up to Kalketh. While the others sI'm a racist asshole who doesn't understand boundaries, respect, or basic human decency and I need helped and cheered, he ran the sword point down his arm, slicing through his robes and cutting a long, shallow wound into his flesh. Kalketh winced and gritted his teeth. The bandit seemed disappointed that he hadn't cried out in pain.
He was shoved back into line when the bandits grew tired of ridiculing him and found a new victim. He stood there with his head bowed, his pulse drumming in his ears.
Eventually, the leader drew his hammer and stepped forward. The Nords grew silent as the man scanned the line. He stepped forward to a defiant elf in armor. His expression soured at the elf's refusal to look away. Grabbing him the the collar, the leader dragged him into the middle of the circle. He pushed him on his back and raised his hammer. Kalketh looked away. The swish of the hammer, accompanied by the sound of blood gushing around the hammer, made bile rise in his gullet. He heard the man begin to laugh. "Well, that's one down, aye boys?". The laughter echoed around the field, but was cut off abruptly by a gurgling noise that caused Kalketh to look up. To his shock, he saw an arrow jutting from the neck of the leader. The man collapsed into the dirt. For one moment, everyone was frozen in shock. Then a scream shattered the silence as one of the bandits collapsed with a sword in his chest.
Kalketh, after a brief pause, ran at the nearest bandit. The man, shocked, didn't notice until it was too late. Kalketh cut his ropes with the Nord's dagger. He turned and saw a squad of Dark Brotherhood assassins diving from the shadows, killing everyone they saw. The mage realized that the Dark Brotherhood left no witnesses and ran to the cliffside. He looked down and saw the churning ocean below. He turned and saw a cloaked assassin run at him. He sighed, prayed, and leaped off the cliff.

 

[Wolfking]

Greetings Marsh-Friend; I am Utadeek, Argonian Dovahkiin. The problem I have is rather personal; you see I cannot get a brilliant shine to my scales like the rest of my Skyrim based kinsmen such as; Derkeethus, Madesi and Talen-Jei. This matter is getting me very down, now I refuse to leave Breezehome due to it, please help me.

Oh my friend had this problem. All you need to do is bathe in health potions every morning before going out. For the first couple of times you might be ichy, but eventually your scales will absorb it and give you a brilliant sheen.

 

[Majir-Dar]

I have a problem, I married Mjoll the Lioness the other day and we moved into Lakeview Manor. Sadly, when I got there I was surprised to see Aerin there. When I confronted her about it, she ignored me and went on with her business. I tried asking him to leave but he won't listen. They were in a relationship in the past, should I be worried she cares so much for him? She refuses to sleep with me and doesn't talk to the kids.

 

[Sahdira]

Dear Emergency Line,

Sahdira has a problem that is most embarrassing. A few days ago Sahdira saw a shiny treasure. She did what any Khajiit would do and picked up this wonderful, strange gem. But now the gem is stuck in her hand and she cannot drop it. No matter what she does it does not go away. She cannot even trick merchants into taking it from her. Please help. Sahdira is scared.

 

[Wolfking]

Dear Emergency Line,

Sahdira has a problem that is most embarrassing. A few days ago Sahdira saw a shiny treasure. She did what any Khajiit would do and picked up this wonderful, strange gem. But now the gem is stuck in her hand and she cannot drop it. No matter what she does it does not go away. She cannot even trick merchants into taking it from her. Please help. Sahdira is scared.

Well, as a Mage, I think its safe to say that you have fallen victim to a nasty enchantment. What I would recommend you do, is find an ancient mountain oak and get some bark. Then get some wisp wrappings and mix that with crimson nirnroot. Spread the conconction over the affected area while tapping the gem with the bark. It should fall off.

 

[Wolfking]

I have a problem, I married Mjoll the Lioness the other day and we moved into Lakeview Manor. Sadly, when I got there I was surprised to see Aerin there. When I confronted her about it, she ignored me and went on with her business. I tried asking him to leave but he won't listen. They were in a relationship in the past, should I be worried she cares so much for him? She refuses to sleep with me and doesn't talk to the kids.

If you trust your wife, leave her to her own devices. She will probably not be interested with him. However, perhaps what you should do is bring your wife with you on your adventures, separating her from Aerin and giving her more time to fall in love with you. Also fire/kill Aerin.

 

[-Mir-]

Okay, I have two small problems with some of my colleagues, and I was hoping you might be able to offer some advice.

The first problem is with a mage named Marcurio, and his awful, obnoxious ATTITUDE. >( Whenever I hire him to accompany me on an adventure, all he does is complain. First he brags about his skill in battle and taunts me that I missed him so much, but then he barely does anything to assist me when we go out together, and if he does, he's always whining about it. If I ask him to carry something (or even if I try giving him a gift!), he gives me even more sass than Lydia! I don't get it: my other followers whom I don't pay money to take with me are always happy to assist, but Marc seems to just take my hard-earned septims for granted.
But, the reluctance to carry items is only a minor problem. What really has me going is that he's an absolute wimp when it comes to the cold. I know he's used to the warm climate in Riften, but when I hire him, he agrees to go to other holds as well. And I know I usually make him wear shirtless armor instead of his comfy robes, but even when I give him something super warm he still complains. I think his preoccupation with the temperature affects his accuracy as well. Whenever we're out fighting in a place that's cold, he has terrible aim. Sometimes he will hit ME with chain lightning and not even apologize!
And the thing that crossed the line for me was on the day that I took him to Blackreach. I figured he would enjoy the experience, since he seems to really be in tune with Dwemer ruins (so much that he can even teleport through gates and walls whenever we're inside one). But instead of expressing awe and excitement, or even muttering a simple "Wow, wouldja look at that" like my similarly-voiced follower, Faendal does, Marcurio moaned and chattered and asked me if it would be practical to build a fire down here! The ungrateful little brat!
So, you see, I'm not really sure where our relationship will go from here. I don't know if I should hire him again. He really is quite useful in battle when he's not full of himself, or frozen. And I really want him to be my steward for Heljarchen Hall, but he ignores me every time I bring it up (I'm guessing because it's cold there). How could he turn down (or just plain ol' ignore) such a well-paying job and consistent income, along with a roof over his head, less danger, and all sorts of mage-related amenities? Should I try asking him again? Should I continue to hire him despite the way he acts? Do you have any advice for me regarding how to handle his attitude?

Thanks a bunch.

Now, here's the second problem. This one is much more straightforward, but also a bit awkward considering this person appears to be a mutual friend of ours.
To put it simply, Erandur and bears don't like each other. He seems to be a bear magnet. Every time we go adventuring, he tends to stay quite a ways behind me, and somehow the bears seek him out and they stick together like glue. I'm usually too far ahead to realize what is happening, and as a result, Erandur usually dies right when I arrive. I end up having to go back in time to prevent this from happening and save him. And it's quite odd, considering he seems perfectly capable of taking on hagravens and entire bandit forts by himself, yet the bears always get him. Sooo, anyway, what can I do to make Erandur get mauled by bears less?

 

[Eggfarts]

Hail Shadowspell!

Long time listener, first time caller here. I am an Orc who travels frequently. I usually am accompanied by my brother Ghorbash. We always got along well, until recently. He's been a bit distant and acting strange.

Lately when we go to the pub, I will sit down for a pint and he will just stand there and stare at me, not saying a word. If I try to give him a mug, he is rude and terse, says "fine. Lets trade then". If I go into a room, he will follow me and block the doorway. I can't get him to move and let me out. I try to push him, but he's so big that doesn't work. I sometimes SHOUT him out of my way, and he gets super offended and tells me that he's on my side..... If I am sneaking up on a group of bandits, he will rush in and start attacking, blowing our cover.

I miss my brother. We used to be on the same page but now he's just....distant. What can I do?

 

[Rimfaxe96]

Hello,

I really hope you can help me with my problem, but I'm not exactly sure if animal training is one of your specialities.

Despite being with horses all my life, the horses I've bought have been trained terribly. Being fond of the black-white Gypsy Vanner Horses in Markarth I've bought my first one there, but once I had reached the Master-Level of Destruction magic and along with it more powerful spells, the horse developed something I would describe as "aggression attacks" on enemies, so when fighting a wolf it sprinted forth and right in front of the fire ball; it fell dead to the ground moments after. My second horse (also from Markarth stables) showed similar behavior patterns to begin with, so I kept reminding myself to carefully park it in a safe distance from enemies (with temporary success, even a ruthless assault on a group of Thalmor proved to be successful with the horse even hiding away behind a tree). Still, having to watch over your horse became a great burden and one night I could feel my vision blurring due to exhaustion I didn't return to it. I don't know what happened to the horse, but it never returned from the wild and I fear the worst for it.
Either way, I went to the Markarth stables a third time, and once again the horse had these aggressive moments so I rode it off a cliff in a rage.
By now I figured that the two men in Markarth stables are too busy with their war dogs to train horses properly, but these experiences have still left their mark on me. I went to Solitude and bought a Haflinger horse there, and for once it didn't charge at everything in sight. However, my luck was short-termed when the horse kept trying to flee while its rear was torn apart by sabrecats and other predators. It died a few days later thanks to some mangy bear.

Being a person who actually likes horses I've been devastated over and over when my dear steed died, and in fear of losing yet another I've tried to avoid them, but in the end I'm still an adventurer and need a mount. Carriages aren't flexible enough for proper mobility that would suit me, amphibious vehicles nor helicopters still have been invented yet and dragons can't land in all places I want to go either.

So either I get a horse and train it myself or I need to find something different as a solution.
But how do I train a war horse? I could teach it a few dressage moves, but combat tactics?
Please, help me!

 

[Patches]

Heroes,
I have been having a few problems with various things.
First of all, my good friend and companion Teldryn Sero has been being very picky in his choice of armors. I recently gave him my Dragon-Plate armor that I had crafted and tempered myself, but he prefers his Chitin armor. I just want him to be better protected, but he refuses to wear anything I give him.
We were also exploring a ruin that I had found had housed the Dragon Priest Otar. We had defeated his guardians and unlocked his sarcophagus, but when he was awoken he did not attack us. He just wandered around and was very chill.

 

[seeker23]

Hello,

I have a small problem I hope you could help me with.

I live at Proudspire Manor with my two kids and wife. I am happily married. My wife maintains a small shop, does the cooking and cleaning and looks after the two kids while I brave around all of Skyrim. Sometimes I only visit them after five or six days. My wife's birthday is soon. So I plan to do something different. What I planned to do was make her sit all the day while I would do all the household work as well as look after the kids, and bake a cake for her as well.

My problem is I haven't cooked before and I don't know how. So thinking of experimenting I went to my other house at Whiterun. I knew there was this cook book next to the cooking place. I followed the instructions and prepared Cabbage Potato Soup. Well I put in all the things and let it cook. When it didn't become soup I knew I had missed water. So I did this again, this time with water. When I finished preparing I looked in and so the cabbage, potato and leek all there and hadn't dissolved. I accurately remember the last time I tasted Cabbage Potato Soup. There was no whole potatoes in my bowl. I tasted it and it was like glue in my mouth. The Cabbage Potato Soup I tasted, which my wife made, tasted really good. I gave what I cooked to a stray dog by the side of the road, it gulped down everything ravenously. I thought it might be good for something at least. When I happened pass by the spot the next day, the dog was dead on the side of the road.

So I'm calling the Skyrim Emergency Hotline. Teach me to cook. So good that I can bake a cake. Teach me as long as you like. I will pay for the expenses of the call. I am quite rich.

Thank you!

 

[Bosmeri-foxling]

Hello. I hope you can help me. I have a problem with my horse. Shadowmere.

See, when I'm sneakilly trying to take out bandits with my bow without them knowing where I am, it doesn't help when Shadownere seems to appear from nowhere and loudly attack enemies, drawing attention to the fact that I am there. I tried leaving him behind on adventures and he still someone manages to always manages to be there somehow. I even tried killing him. He simply came back to life somehow.

 

[Wolfking]

Okay, I have two small problems with some of my colleagues, and I was hoping you might be able to offer some advice.

The first problem is with a mage named Marcurio, and his awful, obnoxious ATTITUDE. >( Whenever I hire him to accompany me on an adventure, all he does is complain. First he brags about his skill in battle and taunts me that I missed him so much, but then he barely does anything to assist me when we go out together, and if he does, he's always whining about it. If I ask him to carry something (or even if I try giving him a gift!), he gives me even more sass than Lydia! I don't get it: my other followers whom I don't pay money to take with me are always happy to assist, but Marc seems to just take my hard-earned septims for granted.
But, the reluctance to carry items is only a minor problem. What really has me going is that he's an absolute wimp when it comes to the cold. I know he's used to the warm climate in Riften, but when I hire him, he agrees to go to other holds as well. And I know I usually make him wear shirtless armor instead of his comfy robes, but even when I give him something super warm he still complains. I think his preoccupation with the temperature affects his accuracy as well. Whenever we're out fighting in a place that's cold, he has terrible aim. Sometimes he will hit ME with chain lightning and not even apologize!
And the thing that crossed the line for me was on the day that I took him to Blackreach. I figured he would enjoy the experience, since he seems to really be in tune with Dwemer ruins (so much that he can even teleport through gates and walls whenever we're inside one). But instead of expressing awe and excitement, or even muttering a simple "Wow, wouldja look at that" like my similarly-voiced follower, Faendal does, Marcurio moaned and chattered and asked me if it would be practical to build a fire down here! The ungrateful little brat!
So, you see, I'm not really sure where our relationship will go from here. I don't know if I should hire him again. He really is quite useful in battle when he's not full of himself, or frozen. And I really want him to be my steward for Heljarchen Hall, but he ignores me every time I bring it up (I'm guessing because it's cold there). How could he turn down (or just plain ol' ignore) such a well-paying job and consistent income, along with a roof over his head, less danger, and all sorts of mage-related amenities? Should I try asking him again? Should I continue to hire him despite the way he acts? Do you have any advice for me regarding how to handle his attitude?

Thanks a bunch.

Now, here's the second problem. This one is much more straightforward, but also a bit awkward considering this person appears to be a mutual friend of ours.
To put it simply, Erandur and bears don't like each other. He seems to be a bear magnet. Every time we go adventuring, he tends to stay quite a ways behind me, and somehow the bears seek him out and they stick together like glue. I'm usually too far ahead to realize what is happening, and as a result, Erandur usually dies right when I arrive. I end up having to go back in time to prevent this from happening and save him. And it's quite odd, considering he seems perfectly capable of taking on hagravens and entire bandit forts by himself, yet the bears always get him. Sooo, anyway, what can I do to make Erandur get mauled by bears less?

Marcurio is an asshole, don't keep hiring him.
Erandur is simply accident prone. Mabye get a dog to scare away the bears?

 

[Wolfking]

Hail Shadowspell!

Long time listener, first time caller here. I am an Orc who travels frequently. I usually am accompanied by my brother Ghorbash. We always got along well, until recently. He's been a bit distant and acting strange.

Lately when we go to the pub, I will sit down for a pint and he will just stand there and stare at me, not saying a word. If I try to give him a mug, he is rude and terse, says "fine. Lets trade then". If I go into a room, he will follow me and block the doorway. I can't get him to move and let me out. I try to push him, but he's so big that doesn't work. I sometimes SHOUT him out of my way, and he gets super offended and tells me that he's on my side..... If I am sneaking up on a group of bandits, he will rush in and start attacking, blowing our cover.

I miss my brother. We used to be on the same page but now he's just....distant. What can I do?

I think your brother is simply growing tired of the wanderers life. I have a friend, Kharjo. We used to travel skyrim, fighting bandits, until I felt his heart wasn't in it. I asked him, and he said he missed the warm sands of his home. We parted ways and he seemed much happier.

 

[Wolfking]

Hello,

I really hope you can help me with my problem, but I'm not exactly sure if animal training is one of your specialities.

Despite being with horses all my life, the horses I've bought have been trained terribly. Being fond of the black-white Gypsy Vanner Horses in Markarth I've bought my first one there, but once I had reached the Master-Level of Destruction magic and along with it more powerful spells, the horse developed something I would describe as "aggression attacks" on enemies, so when fighting a wolf it sprinted forth and right in front of the fire ball; it fell dead to the ground moments after. My second horse (also from Markarth stables) showed similar behavior patterns to begin with, so I kept reminding myself to carefully park it in a safe distance from enemies (with temporary success, even a ruthless assault on a group of Thalmor proved to be successful with the horse even hiding away behind a tree). Still, having to watch over your horse became a great burden and one night I could feel my vision blurring due to exhaustion I didn't return to it. I don't know what happened to the horse, but it never returned from the wild and I fear the worst for it.
Either way, I went to the Markarth stables a third time, and once again the horse had these aggressive moments so I rode it off a cliff in a rage.
By now I figured that the two men in Markarth stables are too busy with their war dogs to train horses properly, but these experiences have still left their mark on me. I went to Solitude and bought a Haflinger horse there, and for once it didn't charge at everything in sight. However, my luck was short-termed when the horse kept trying to flee while its rear was torn apart by sabrecats and other predators. It died a few days later thanks to some mangy bear.

Being a person who actually likes horses I've been devastated over and over when my dear steed died, and in fear of losing yet another I've tried to avoid them, but in the end I'm still an adventurer and need a mount. Carriages aren't flexible enough for proper mobility that would suit me, amphibious vehicles nor helicopters still have been invented yet and dragons can't land in all places I want to go either.

So either I get a horse and train it myself or I need to find something different as a solution.
But how do I train a war horse? I could teach it a few dressage moves, but combat tactics?
Please, help me!

Get Arvak, or Shadowmere. They will survive no matter what happens.