Yung Raditz
Member
Tales of Amras the Great Breton
So I'm down in these tombs looking for some kind of sacred ornament these nigs called the Greybeards told me to retrieve and I'm running through ancient zombies, you know it's just a day in the life. I'm with Brelyna so you know plops is getting handled. We run up on a kinda jungle like area and come up this syphilis infested asshole incarnate of a creature called a chaurus or something like that. I tried to stroll that lil bitch but the heat from it's poisonous jizz shots basically melted the peach fuzz off of my buttcheeks. After doubling back and running from this cum demon we eventually kill it. We then proceed to take a two hour break cause plops was real. Anyway we get to the end of the damned tomb and find that there's nothing there but a letter. So right off I'm thinking the bad guys caught us slippin, but upon reading the letter I realized that may not have been the case.
The letter led me back to Riverwood, the Ensley of Skyrim, ratchet ass fluffin place. Anyway I went into the tavern to get some info and I found out the old hag at the cash register is the one that jacked my plops. I was like yo you couldn't like leave your little letter on the front door of the tomb? I was in that bitch for like two hours, real hours not game hours! Was leaving it in place of the item I needed for some kind of shock value? I almost died, ho! I bet you evaded the plops out of val venis and his venomous money shot, cause guess who had to fight that bastard chaurus thing? Me bitch! She was like whatever you punk ass nigga, bring yo ass back here to this secret room. I got in the room and realized a lot of the plops in there was free for the taking and lost my mind. I racked up on all that plops. I saw something that reminded me of my past life in Cyrodil. Back when I was a part of the Blades during the oblivion crisis and before I was cryogenically frozen by a chronomancer in the shivering isles. The old hag was going on about some bullish, talkin about she's the last of the Blades, but then she caught my attention when she said she didnt believe I was the dragonborn. I was like bish what? She was like let me see you run up on one of them dragons and I will let you get this punk ass necklace. My first impulse was to shout and show her what it was like to fluff with a real goon, but as usual I was trying to stay right with talos so I took her up on her stupid motherfluffing offer.
So I'm out in these woods with the old hag. She held up the necklace that she jacked from me and a random dragon showed up. I was like word it's on. I'm bout to handle this fool, but then this teenage mutant ninja lizard ass nigga decides to summon another dragon. And I was like hell nah, yo. Bitch, you said one dragon. I was about to chop out until the first dragon flew off. I guess he told the other dragon to handle me in dragon ebonics. Soon as that fluffer saw me, he started shootin that fye. I ducked behind some rocks cause that plops was mutilating my health. I managed to hit his ass with a fireball before he took to the skies and chased my ass. I was like where is that nigga smokey the bear when you need him. This dragon was burning the plops out of the forest. I had to switch to my healing spell and run for cover. Luckily my ace Brelyna was hittin him with that archer game which eventually brought him to the ground. I ran up to him and tried to whoop his neck. But he wasn't havin it and unleashed that fire. I ran around him and he followed in a circle, but decided to turn his focus to Brelyna who was taggin his ass with them arrows. I started whoopin his back with my sword until he lifted his tail and smacked the plops out of me with it. I felt some blood shoot up my esophagus and out of my mouth. I had that lump in my throat that lil kids have when they're trying to cry to but can't cause the plops hurt so bad and they're in shock. After I recovered from that, I ran back around to that nigga's face and started swinging wildly. I eventually hopped on his head and started spanking his dome with my sword. After about five minutes that nigga died and I absorbed his soul. Delphine popped up after running around and acting like she was trying to help. She was like wow you are the dragonborn. I wanted to slap fye from that old fluff, but I grabbed the necklace and headed out.
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Tales of Amras the Great Breton
So, I came home after a long time away. Ready to hop on one of them homecooked meals the bae made. I had just left Windhelm after a long battle. Ulfric upgraded ya boy to bonebreaker. I was gettin mad props for slanging sword cock all over imperial face. Anyway though I made it back to Riften where we'd recently moved after having to uproot from Whiterun, cause tensions was flarin and plops was gettin real hot after the changing of Jarls and all. Once I get into town I see the people scrambling around, some with weapons drawn and I'm thinking fluff...we're getting attacked by a dragon, but then I see this little dude in all black haulin ass. A damn thief was tryin to steal plops and he was one door down from my home. I was like hell nah, g. I pulled my strap on him and ran up in that niggaz chest. I was pissed. I mean I knew the theives guild dwelled in this area and all cause I kind of joined them by mistake and was now avoiding them, but damn dude was trying to steal plops near my house, where my sweet Ysolda was making me pies and selling random plops to pay our mortgage. I was an alchemist and all, but that plops is hella unlucrative in Skyrim (the Alabama of Tamriel). If you ain't a hard ass nigga who can wield two handed weapons and dominate your way through everything cause you're a hulking brute nord, then you aren't plops. If you try to do something different (especially magic), you're a pussy and whatnot, cause apparently there aren't FLYING ELEMENT BREATHING LIZARDS fluffING plops UP OUT HERE IN THIS SNOW, but whatev yo. Nonetheless I killed that nigga and stole the plops that he stole. No, I didn't return that plops. I got home and was like bae we gotta move and I sent her ass back to Whiterun, me and the stormcloaks were about to fluff plops up here anyway.
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Ronin the Troubled Imperial: The Dark Chapters
So yeah, I decide to live peacefully in a small town called Riverwood, taking up Blacksmithing and doing favors for the locals. I relinquished my destiny as the dragonborn and began to settle. I retrieved a family heirloom for a woman and her brother. Maybe it was the excitement, but it felt like ol girl looked past all the evil in ya boy's life. I had previously helped this drakin ass nigga named Farrendal win her heart through poetry. But I knew I was the realer nigga and if he wanted that beef, he could meet me out here in these woods. So I decide to holla at ol girl. I rolled to Riften during one of my imperial missions and stopped to get an amulet of Dibella one of them deities and whanot. While in town I hear news of this evil lady treating kids wrong at the orphanage and that a young boy in Windhelm has put a price on her head. As a reformed man I think to myself nah, but then I say well I've killed many niggaz, what's one more plus this kid is droppin papes unlike that ho ass nigga the count of Skingrad who I hoped got burned to death by the sun. So I meet the kid and he on some dark brotherhood ish, talkin about he summoned me and whatnot. I was like whatever lil nigga, what up with that bread and can I get it up front? He was like nah bruh, you ain't about to play me like no bitch. So I offed the old hag and took my papes. Got back to Riverwood and found a thief trying to break into the store that my girl works/lives in. I dropped dude immediately. I didn't care if I had just joined the thieves guild in Riften. Homes was violating. I killed him and a poor chicken by mistake. I dropped a raise zombie scroll on that chicken to bring him back as an apology. Anyway so I proposed to ol girl (I don't remember her name) and being unable to resist my mack game she accepts. So I move in to the store across the street (I'm sure the blacksmith was tired of me bummin off him) where I realize that she shares a bedroom with her brother upstairs and I'm like damn the cockblock is real. Not to mention I'm sharing a single chest with this girl to store my plops. I decided that we had to move. Windhelm was the best place because by now I was an imperial spy and that would land me right under the nose of Ulfric Stormcloak. So I do some dirty work for him. All the while stackin cake with imperials. Ol girl is at the store movin weight with her brother. All is good until a dragon shows up in Riverwood. Ol girl's brother fought valiantly but I couldn't save that nigga in time. He got scrubbed by that dragon and I was left to avenge his death. It was time move ol girl out of the ghetto. So after I was crowned thane of Windhelm, we moved into a home. All was well until I woke up and that weak ass Faendel nigga was at My house. I decided to let the plops slide. Maybe they were friends. I laid back down for a nap and awoke with a bag over my head.
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Ronin the Troubled Imperial: The Dark Chapters
I found myself in a random, run down cabin. It reminded me of the little onesie I used to live in on the Imperial water front, only not so run down. There were three people on their knees, tied up with bags over their head. I heard a voice to the right say some plops about the night mother. I was like fluff, not these niggaz again. So this ho bag says I gotta drop one of the three. There was a bandit, a house wife, and a rich khajit. I figured I'd take the bandit out and get on with this soft ass drakin ass initiation. I felt a little disrespected that I was being treated like a rookie, but then again this chick's grandparents were probably plopstin up huggies during my rein of terror. Anyway so I pull out my strap and walk towards the bandit. I chose him because I didn't want to deal with a hate crime situation with the khajit. His people have been through enough. I wasn't going to kill the housewife because she was still begging for her life. The bandit on the other hand was cussin me side ways, so I cut him off like a prostitute recieving a retirement package and last time I checked, hos don't get retirement packages cause the pimpin is too coldblooded. Anyway ol girl in the ninja mask starts rejoicing and talking about how we're united under some funky ass black hand and what not and how much she loves the night momz. In the midst of all this dialogue about how it didn't matter who I chose; the khajit started poppin off and I was like aight you little cat fluff and I cut his throat. Then the damn housewife started cursin me out. I had to kill her just to shut her ass up, cause clearly no one could miss someone with a mouth that foul. I did her husband a favor. I kinda just left after that, I figured they' d let me know when they had them contracts. I wasn't all that into the whole worshipping and deepthroating the night mothers strap on cause she almost got me sacrificed the last time I tried to protect her crusty ass. But fluff the bullplops, it was time to check up on ol girl. I get home and there's this nigga sittin at my table wearing armor, talkin about he my housecarl. I was like fluff ass no. I already got trust issues with ol girl because of that dark elf bastard she keeps talking to. I remember after our wedding, that fluffin dunmer walked past me, lookin at me side wayz like I betrayed him or something. I was like nigga you ain't my posse. Just cause I help you and you're forever my follower and indentured servant don't mean we're crew. I only got one friend, my best man Lydia. Thinking about all this pissed me off inside. Ol girl was like hello my love. I was like take yoo ass to bed...but give me my share of the store's profits first. I was tryin to set up a man cave so I needed the cheese. The next day I headed off to handle some biz. The Imperials needed me to be in Falkreath. So I handled that before heading to Riften to do some dirt. I completed a few contracts while I was out too. I got another one for the chick next door. I figured word, I'll take her out while they install my alchemy lab and enchanter in the man cave. I handled that. So I now I was ready to drink some mead and kick back, but as soon as I'm walkin in the door, this muhfluffer Faendal is leaving and giving me that side ways look. I was like oh fluff no. I came in and took my half of the profits and went to bed. I was mad yo. I decided those bitches had to go; Faendal, the housecarl, and most of all ol girl
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Ronin The Troubled Imperial: The Dark Chapters
The next day, I prepared my plops and headed off to the sanctuary. They claimed to have some big mission, but every mission is a big mission to those clowns. The best thing about this trip was that I'd get to meet up with my homie Shadowmere. Back in Cyrodil, I and that horse put in work, leaving mad bodies in our wake. We got into it with some vampires outside the Imperial city and he whooped one of the vampires into the water and I thought that nigga drowned keepin it real to the death, but apparently he swam back home and waited 200 years for me. He was kinda mad, but he forgave ya boi. Aside from Lydia, he was the realest g I knew. So I get to the sanctuary and these niggaz want me to kill the emperor. Have you niggaz lost it! This ain't a thane. This ain't a count! You want me to kill the emperor? I was like aight, but their means of carrying this out was mad fugazy. They want me to do mad plops to drop this dude, because he is so "untouchable". I'm like just give me the location and I'll drop him, his bodyguards, and his puppy, let that nigga have a puppy! I was a bit over emotional, all I could think about was Ol girl and the plops she was putting me through. What did I do to make her want to do this to me? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn't give her enough attention or some drakin ass plops like asking her how she felt. Nah, fluff that I'm awesome. She lucky I chose her raggedy ass. If it weren't for me she'd still be in Riverwood selling used iron armor for scraps while being brotherless cause that dragon would've still killed that fluff. Anyways, I told them dark brotherhood nigs I'd follow their happy ass plan. I had other plops to do. I'd been gone from the house for about two days, so I know that nigga Faendal is there, rodding my girl along with that dumb ass housecarl. Maybe the housecarl wasn't boning her, but he sure as hell wasn't doin anything to stop the fluffery that was going on in my house. If it was Lydia she would've been put an end that ish. I had maybe a couple more days before he left, so I figured I would handle my Imperial business since it was close to Windhelm. I had to chase down this courier and steal the Stormcloaks plans for a sabotage. So I headed out and met up with Lydia. We spotted a courier outside the city heading towards some hood ass hotel. I told Lydia to hang back because I didn't want her to see me doin dirt. She was so noble and righteous. I told her I was going to pick pocket him. That was a lie, my pickpocket was like at 20 cause I ain't no ho. If I want yo plops, you gon speak to this strap. I cut that nigga's throat and took his plops, but the quest didn't complete. I was like fluff, I killed the wrong courier. I kept his plops and realized the real target was headed towards that ratty hotel. It couldn't be avoided, me and Lydia called him out at the hotel and all chaos broke out. Niggaz was throwing plops and swinging swords. I killed the stormcloak courier and took his plops. I looked to find Lydia standing over some random guy begging her not to finish him, but I looked in her eyes and saw straight fire. I knew that expression all too well and that guy was not going to make it to see another second. She came down on that niggaz face so hard with her axe. I got erect a little bit. The Lydia I thought I knew wouldn't kill someone in cold blood. She did some dirt and I was very impressed. I wanted to tell her everything in that moment and share my world with her. In that moment I wanted to run home and kill Ol girl because I found my true soul mate. But fluff that we had bounties on our heads and it was time to run. Of course the mercenaries found us and they wanted that beef, so we served them up some top-choice, but it was like the beef that McDonalds buys so it was mad bad for you and cancerous, so them niggaz died instantly. Afterwards Lydia explained to me that she never felt so alive and free. Years of taking orders and being a soldier had left her damaged. She’d kill many men without any reason other than for mother Skyrim. For once she had a reason and it was liberating. In my head I was like, bitch you just a sociopath, but I couldn’t risk her losing it and going after me so I decided not to be real with her. I just told her, I feel you, yo, but I no longer need your services, go back home and lay low my g. I headed home as dawn came and just like clockwork, Faendal was just leaving my home. He gave me one of those snide looks from the side as he walked off. My blood was boiling. This was the last time that bitch was going to disrespect me in my home. I stalked him as he headed out of town. I’d originally planned to kill him last and let him suffer the loss of Ol girl. But the fact that another dude could feel the same way or even deeper about my woman drove me nuts. I don’t do that love triangle plops. This ain’t Pearl Harbor and I ain’t Ben Affleck and that nigga most definitely ain’t the nigga who was in that Faculty movie with Usher. I hadn’t been this mad since the mythic dawn took all my items and I blew my cover before I could get it all back. I made sure he was far enough away from the town and walked up on that fluffer and drew my blade. Either my sneak was mad high or he was just made of pure bitchness because the nigga did not make any movement in defense as I pulled him back by his hair and drove my blade across his jugular. He didn’t even put up a fight, but he was gone. I didn’t feel better. I wanted to engage him in battle. I wanted to feel his rage, but that would imply that he had deep feelings for my girl. Side niggaz always try to prosper. But wait…what if I was the side nigga? And she married me because I was a lame who went above and beyond for her while Faendal was the douche whom wouldn’t go into Bleek Falls to get her golden claw. I was pissed. I drug that nigga into river nearby and watched him sink into that plops on some Leonardo DiCaprio plops. And my heart will go on, nigga, on and on. I went back home to that festering bitch, got my half of the cheese and went to bed. She was kinda woozy and out of it, because I’d been sneaking skooma into her ingredients. The housecarl was high as fluff too. Before going upstairs, I said yo housecarl, I’ma need your help with something.
So I'm down in these tombs looking for some kind of sacred ornament these nigs called the Greybeards told me to retrieve and I'm running through ancient zombies, you know it's just a day in the life. I'm with Brelyna so you know plops is getting handled. We run up on a kinda jungle like area and come up this syphilis infested asshole incarnate of a creature called a chaurus or something like that. I tried to stroll that lil bitch but the heat from it's poisonous jizz shots basically melted the peach fuzz off of my buttcheeks. After doubling back and running from this cum demon we eventually kill it. We then proceed to take a two hour break cause plops was real. Anyway we get to the end of the damned tomb and find that there's nothing there but a letter. So right off I'm thinking the bad guys caught us slippin, but upon reading the letter I realized that may not have been the case.
The letter led me back to Riverwood, the Ensley of Skyrim, ratchet ass fluffin place. Anyway I went into the tavern to get some info and I found out the old hag at the cash register is the one that jacked my plops. I was like yo you couldn't like leave your little letter on the front door of the tomb? I was in that bitch for like two hours, real hours not game hours! Was leaving it in place of the item I needed for some kind of shock value? I almost died, ho! I bet you evaded the plops out of val venis and his venomous money shot, cause guess who had to fight that bastard chaurus thing? Me bitch! She was like whatever you punk ass nigga, bring yo ass back here to this secret room. I got in the room and realized a lot of the plops in there was free for the taking and lost my mind. I racked up on all that plops. I saw something that reminded me of my past life in Cyrodil. Back when I was a part of the Blades during the oblivion crisis and before I was cryogenically frozen by a chronomancer in the shivering isles. The old hag was going on about some bullish, talkin about she's the last of the Blades, but then she caught my attention when she said she didnt believe I was the dragonborn. I was like bish what? She was like let me see you run up on one of them dragons and I will let you get this punk ass necklace. My first impulse was to shout and show her what it was like to fluff with a real goon, but as usual I was trying to stay right with talos so I took her up on her stupid motherfluffing offer.
So I'm out in these woods with the old hag. She held up the necklace that she jacked from me and a random dragon showed up. I was like word it's on. I'm bout to handle this fool, but then this teenage mutant ninja lizard ass nigga decides to summon another dragon. And I was like hell nah, yo. Bitch, you said one dragon. I was about to chop out until the first dragon flew off. I guess he told the other dragon to handle me in dragon ebonics. Soon as that fluffer saw me, he started shootin that fye. I ducked behind some rocks cause that plops was mutilating my health. I managed to hit his ass with a fireball before he took to the skies and chased my ass. I was like where is that nigga smokey the bear when you need him. This dragon was burning the plops out of the forest. I had to switch to my healing spell and run for cover. Luckily my ace Brelyna was hittin him with that archer game which eventually brought him to the ground. I ran up to him and tried to whoop his neck. But he wasn't havin it and unleashed that fire. I ran around him and he followed in a circle, but decided to turn his focus to Brelyna who was taggin his ass with them arrows. I started whoopin his back with my sword until he lifted his tail and smacked the plops out of me with it. I felt some blood shoot up my esophagus and out of my mouth. I had that lump in my throat that lil kids have when they're trying to cry to but can't cause the plops hurt so bad and they're in shock. After I recovered from that, I ran back around to that nigga's face and started swinging wildly. I eventually hopped on his head and started spanking his dome with my sword. After about five minutes that nigga died and I absorbed his soul. Delphine popped up after running around and acting like she was trying to help. She was like wow you are the dragonborn. I wanted to slap fye from that old fluff, but I grabbed the necklace and headed out.
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Tales of Amras the Great Breton
So, I came home after a long time away. Ready to hop on one of them homecooked meals the bae made. I had just left Windhelm after a long battle. Ulfric upgraded ya boy to bonebreaker. I was gettin mad props for slanging sword cock all over imperial face. Anyway though I made it back to Riften where we'd recently moved after having to uproot from Whiterun, cause tensions was flarin and plops was gettin real hot after the changing of Jarls and all. Once I get into town I see the people scrambling around, some with weapons drawn and I'm thinking fluff...we're getting attacked by a dragon, but then I see this little dude in all black haulin ass. A damn thief was tryin to steal plops and he was one door down from my home. I was like hell nah, g. I pulled my strap on him and ran up in that niggaz chest. I was pissed. I mean I knew the theives guild dwelled in this area and all cause I kind of joined them by mistake and was now avoiding them, but damn dude was trying to steal plops near my house, where my sweet Ysolda was making me pies and selling random plops to pay our mortgage. I was an alchemist and all, but that plops is hella unlucrative in Skyrim (the Alabama of Tamriel). If you ain't a hard ass nigga who can wield two handed weapons and dominate your way through everything cause you're a hulking brute nord, then you aren't plops. If you try to do something different (especially magic), you're a pussy and whatnot, cause apparently there aren't FLYING ELEMENT BREATHING LIZARDS fluffING plops UP OUT HERE IN THIS SNOW, but whatev yo. Nonetheless I killed that nigga and stole the plops that he stole. No, I didn't return that plops. I got home and was like bae we gotta move and I sent her ass back to Whiterun, me and the stormcloaks were about to fluff plops up here anyway.
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Ronin the Troubled Imperial: The Dark Chapters
So yeah, I decide to live peacefully in a small town called Riverwood, taking up Blacksmithing and doing favors for the locals. I relinquished my destiny as the dragonborn and began to settle. I retrieved a family heirloom for a woman and her brother. Maybe it was the excitement, but it felt like ol girl looked past all the evil in ya boy's life. I had previously helped this drakin ass nigga named Farrendal win her heart through poetry. But I knew I was the realer nigga and if he wanted that beef, he could meet me out here in these woods. So I decide to holla at ol girl. I rolled to Riften during one of my imperial missions and stopped to get an amulet of Dibella one of them deities and whanot. While in town I hear news of this evil lady treating kids wrong at the orphanage and that a young boy in Windhelm has put a price on her head. As a reformed man I think to myself nah, but then I say well I've killed many niggaz, what's one more plus this kid is droppin papes unlike that ho ass nigga the count of Skingrad who I hoped got burned to death by the sun. So I meet the kid and he on some dark brotherhood ish, talkin about he summoned me and whatnot. I was like whatever lil nigga, what up with that bread and can I get it up front? He was like nah bruh, you ain't about to play me like no bitch. So I offed the old hag and took my papes. Got back to Riverwood and found a thief trying to break into the store that my girl works/lives in. I dropped dude immediately. I didn't care if I had just joined the thieves guild in Riften. Homes was violating. I killed him and a poor chicken by mistake. I dropped a raise zombie scroll on that chicken to bring him back as an apology. Anyway so I proposed to ol girl (I don't remember her name) and being unable to resist my mack game she accepts. So I move in to the store across the street (I'm sure the blacksmith was tired of me bummin off him) where I realize that she shares a bedroom with her brother upstairs and I'm like damn the cockblock is real. Not to mention I'm sharing a single chest with this girl to store my plops. I decided that we had to move. Windhelm was the best place because by now I was an imperial spy and that would land me right under the nose of Ulfric Stormcloak. So I do some dirty work for him. All the while stackin cake with imperials. Ol girl is at the store movin weight with her brother. All is good until a dragon shows up in Riverwood. Ol girl's brother fought valiantly but I couldn't save that nigga in time. He got scrubbed by that dragon and I was left to avenge his death. It was time move ol girl out of the ghetto. So after I was crowned thane of Windhelm, we moved into a home. All was well until I woke up and that weak ass Faendel nigga was at My house. I decided to let the plops slide. Maybe they were friends. I laid back down for a nap and awoke with a bag over my head.
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Ronin the Troubled Imperial: The Dark Chapters
I found myself in a random, run down cabin. It reminded me of the little onesie I used to live in on the Imperial water front, only not so run down. There were three people on their knees, tied up with bags over their head. I heard a voice to the right say some plops about the night mother. I was like fluff, not these niggaz again. So this ho bag says I gotta drop one of the three. There was a bandit, a house wife, and a rich khajit. I figured I'd take the bandit out and get on with this soft ass drakin ass initiation. I felt a little disrespected that I was being treated like a rookie, but then again this chick's grandparents were probably plopstin up huggies during my rein of terror. Anyway so I pull out my strap and walk towards the bandit. I chose him because I didn't want to deal with a hate crime situation with the khajit. His people have been through enough. I wasn't going to kill the housewife because she was still begging for her life. The bandit on the other hand was cussin me side ways, so I cut him off like a prostitute recieving a retirement package and last time I checked, hos don't get retirement packages cause the pimpin is too coldblooded. Anyway ol girl in the ninja mask starts rejoicing and talking about how we're united under some funky ass black hand and what not and how much she loves the night momz. In the midst of all this dialogue about how it didn't matter who I chose; the khajit started poppin off and I was like aight you little cat fluff and I cut his throat. Then the damn housewife started cursin me out. I had to kill her just to shut her ass up, cause clearly no one could miss someone with a mouth that foul. I did her husband a favor. I kinda just left after that, I figured they' d let me know when they had them contracts. I wasn't all that into the whole worshipping and deepthroating the night mothers strap on cause she almost got me sacrificed the last time I tried to protect her crusty ass. But fluff the bullplops, it was time to check up on ol girl. I get home and there's this nigga sittin at my table wearing armor, talkin about he my housecarl. I was like fluff ass no. I already got trust issues with ol girl because of that dark elf bastard she keeps talking to. I remember after our wedding, that fluffin dunmer walked past me, lookin at me side wayz like I betrayed him or something. I was like nigga you ain't my posse. Just cause I help you and you're forever my follower and indentured servant don't mean we're crew. I only got one friend, my best man Lydia. Thinking about all this pissed me off inside. Ol girl was like hello my love. I was like take yoo ass to bed...but give me my share of the store's profits first. I was tryin to set up a man cave so I needed the cheese. The next day I headed off to handle some biz. The Imperials needed me to be in Falkreath. So I handled that before heading to Riften to do some dirt. I completed a few contracts while I was out too. I got another one for the chick next door. I figured word, I'll take her out while they install my alchemy lab and enchanter in the man cave. I handled that. So I now I was ready to drink some mead and kick back, but as soon as I'm walkin in the door, this muhfluffer Faendal is leaving and giving me that side ways look. I was like oh fluff no. I came in and took my half of the profits and went to bed. I was mad yo. I decided those bitches had to go; Faendal, the housecarl, and most of all ol girl
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Ronin The Troubled Imperial: The Dark Chapters
The next day, I prepared my plops and headed off to the sanctuary. They claimed to have some big mission, but every mission is a big mission to those clowns. The best thing about this trip was that I'd get to meet up with my homie Shadowmere. Back in Cyrodil, I and that horse put in work, leaving mad bodies in our wake. We got into it with some vampires outside the Imperial city and he whooped one of the vampires into the water and I thought that nigga drowned keepin it real to the death, but apparently he swam back home and waited 200 years for me. He was kinda mad, but he forgave ya boi. Aside from Lydia, he was the realest g I knew. So I get to the sanctuary and these niggaz want me to kill the emperor. Have you niggaz lost it! This ain't a thane. This ain't a count! You want me to kill the emperor? I was like aight, but their means of carrying this out was mad fugazy. They want me to do mad plops to drop this dude, because he is so "untouchable". I'm like just give me the location and I'll drop him, his bodyguards, and his puppy, let that nigga have a puppy! I was a bit over emotional, all I could think about was Ol girl and the plops she was putting me through. What did I do to make her want to do this to me? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn't give her enough attention or some drakin ass plops like asking her how she felt. Nah, fluff that I'm awesome. She lucky I chose her raggedy ass. If it weren't for me she'd still be in Riverwood selling used iron armor for scraps while being brotherless cause that dragon would've still killed that fluff. Anyways, I told them dark brotherhood nigs I'd follow their happy ass plan. I had other plops to do. I'd been gone from the house for about two days, so I know that nigga Faendal is there, rodding my girl along with that dumb ass housecarl. Maybe the housecarl wasn't boning her, but he sure as hell wasn't doin anything to stop the fluffery that was going on in my house. If it was Lydia she would've been put an end that ish. I had maybe a couple more days before he left, so I figured I would handle my Imperial business since it was close to Windhelm. I had to chase down this courier and steal the Stormcloaks plans for a sabotage. So I headed out and met up with Lydia. We spotted a courier outside the city heading towards some hood ass hotel. I told Lydia to hang back because I didn't want her to see me doin dirt. She was so noble and righteous. I told her I was going to pick pocket him. That was a lie, my pickpocket was like at 20 cause I ain't no ho. If I want yo plops, you gon speak to this strap. I cut that nigga's throat and took his plops, but the quest didn't complete. I was like fluff, I killed the wrong courier. I kept his plops and realized the real target was headed towards that ratty hotel. It couldn't be avoided, me and Lydia called him out at the hotel and all chaos broke out. Niggaz was throwing plops and swinging swords. I killed the stormcloak courier and took his plops. I looked to find Lydia standing over some random guy begging her not to finish him, but I looked in her eyes and saw straight fire. I knew that expression all too well and that guy was not going to make it to see another second. She came down on that niggaz face so hard with her axe. I got erect a little bit. The Lydia I thought I knew wouldn't kill someone in cold blood. She did some dirt and I was very impressed. I wanted to tell her everything in that moment and share my world with her. In that moment I wanted to run home and kill Ol girl because I found my true soul mate. But fluff that we had bounties on our heads and it was time to run. Of course the mercenaries found us and they wanted that beef, so we served them up some top-choice, but it was like the beef that McDonalds buys so it was mad bad for you and cancerous, so them niggaz died instantly. Afterwards Lydia explained to me that she never felt so alive and free. Years of taking orders and being a soldier had left her damaged. She’d kill many men without any reason other than for mother Skyrim. For once she had a reason and it was liberating. In my head I was like, bitch you just a sociopath, but I couldn’t risk her losing it and going after me so I decided not to be real with her. I just told her, I feel you, yo, but I no longer need your services, go back home and lay low my g. I headed home as dawn came and just like clockwork, Faendal was just leaving my home. He gave me one of those snide looks from the side as he walked off. My blood was boiling. This was the last time that bitch was going to disrespect me in my home. I stalked him as he headed out of town. I’d originally planned to kill him last and let him suffer the loss of Ol girl. But the fact that another dude could feel the same way or even deeper about my woman drove me nuts. I don’t do that love triangle plops. This ain’t Pearl Harbor and I ain’t Ben Affleck and that nigga most definitely ain’t the nigga who was in that Faculty movie with Usher. I hadn’t been this mad since the mythic dawn took all my items and I blew my cover before I could get it all back. I made sure he was far enough away from the town and walked up on that fluffer and drew my blade. Either my sneak was mad high or he was just made of pure bitchness because the nigga did not make any movement in defense as I pulled him back by his hair and drove my blade across his jugular. He didn’t even put up a fight, but he was gone. I didn’t feel better. I wanted to engage him in battle. I wanted to feel his rage, but that would imply that he had deep feelings for my girl. Side niggaz always try to prosper. But wait…what if I was the side nigga? And she married me because I was a lame who went above and beyond for her while Faendal was the douche whom wouldn’t go into Bleek Falls to get her golden claw. I was pissed. I drug that nigga into river nearby and watched him sink into that plops on some Leonardo DiCaprio plops. And my heart will go on, nigga, on and on. I went back home to that festering bitch, got my half of the cheese and went to bed. She was kinda woozy and out of it, because I’d been sneaking skooma into her ingredients. The housecarl was high as fluff too. Before going upstairs, I said yo housecarl, I’ma need your help with something.
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