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hershangames

Well-Known Member
Hi guys, long time since my last post! I wasn't quite sure about this fanfiction but, in the end I did it, so here it is: a fan fiction about Hershan. Before you start reading there's a couple things you should know:
-The first 2 chapters will be a bit short, but from the 3rd one, It'll get longer and better
-Trhoughout the story, some drastic changes in the political situation if Skyrim and the Empire will occur.
-Some important events may be explained very quickly and without much detail, note that it's not a fault in my writing, it's to emphasize the fact that the main character doesn't care much about it.

Well, here it is, chapter 1!
-------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 1: TRIGGER

Hershan was a young khajit, just a few days from being 10. He was playing in the vast fields that surrounded the farm he lived in.
He then saw Dahlier, the young girl that lived not too far away. He loved playing with her, and even if he'd never admit it, he liked her. He received her with a smile.

-Hershan, I have to tell you something-his smile quickly dissipated in anticipation.-
-What is it?
-My dad says...-she looked at her feet nervously.- my dad says I can't play with you anymore. He says you're too poor.
-What? But why?
-I told you, you're too poor
-That's no reason to leave someone!-he was clearly pissed off.-
-I'm sorry Hershan, but goodbye

She turned back and walked away.
-Listen!- Hershan shouted- One day I will be the emperor of Tamriel! And on that day you will remebaer what you said today!

Dahlier looked at him for a brief moment and kept on walking. Hershan put on a strong face and entered the face, but deep inside he cried.

Years passed and Hershan stopped being the friendly khajit he once was. He had become cold overtime, opening himself only to his parents. His dream of becoming emperor had't faded, but he never found the resolution to leave Elseweyr.
He was 20 now, strong and very capable. He had to help at the farm, but even so they had barely enough to eat. From time to time, his parents left to the city to sell the harvest.
-Hershan, your mother and I'll be leaving again. Take care of the farm while we're gone.
-Dad, you're always leaving, I know what to do already.
-Just sayin'
-Yeah, yeah, be careful on the road

The following days were a piece of cake to Hershan, cleaning the house, feeding the animals... He knew it all like the palm of his hand, he even had time to spare and sit on the grass. One day, as he was laying in the grass, he saw two soldiers arrive. He quickly stood up and went to see what they wanted.
-Are you Hershan?
-Err...yes, why?-he didn't quite understand what was happening, but he knew it couldn't be good.-
-Yesterday a patrol found an attacked caravan in the road...
No,no, could this be about his parents? Had something happened to them?
-They found two dead bodies in the scene...
No,no,no,no,no,no
-They were identified as Vashar and Unjja, your parents.

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General Charles Xander

General of the 11th Imperial Legion
Would you mind some criticism? Or do you want this to be a closed story?
 

hershangames

Well-Known Member
Of course I would appreciate the opinion if anyone who reads this, be it positive, negative or just critic.

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General Charles Xander

General of the 11th Imperial Legion
I would like to point out a few things:

1. I don't quite know the kind of writing style you are using, but it's quite confusing. I find myself having to re-read the same sentance twice. I also have a hard time distinguishing the difference between dialogue and setting. I recommend using ethier scripted or spaced writing.
(Scripted)
Hershan: "Blah Blah Blah?"
Dahlier: "Blah Blah."
(Spaced)
She looked at him with looming eyes and sadness in her heart. But with one final glance, she turned away.

"One day I will be Emperor!" He exclaimed loudly to her in reply.

"I don't think so" said her father with a grin combined with a sneer.

Things like that.

2. The chapter was too short and I didn't really get anything from it. I sincerely don't mean to be rude, but I didn't. Here's what I got:
-friends split up.
-protagonist swears to be Emperor.
-10 years pass and family leaves to go to city.
-family dies.

I know you said it would be short, but make it much longer and going into depth. As a reader, I want to know how the character feels, what they are thinking, their relationship with others, and picture the surrounding area with the words I've been given.

Ex: Hershan sat down on the lush green grass. Feeling the soft prickling feeling on his feet from the blade's tips. Inhaling, he smelled the damp cool soil of the earth and sunk his nails deep into the smooth ground beneath him. Feeling nothing but freedom from his parents, he leaned back and let out a sigh of relief. Feeling nothing but bliss.

That example allows me to create a bond with him, and imagine the feeling of where he is at, while also picturing in my head the place where he resides.

I think I've said enough though. I don't want to get ahead of myself. But here is a summary.

•Make the chapter longer.
•Connect and define the characters and place much more.
•Describe the feelings of the characters greater.
•Fux the writing style.

That's it for my rambling. Sorry I put you through this.
:oops:
:D
 
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hershangames

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your feedback, it was actually pretty useful. I'm used to write short stories and they're usually inner monologues set in a dark and mysterious situation, without giving much details to emphasize the mistery, so when I have to write in a different tone and make it longer, I tend to make this kind of errors.
I'll try to improve it as much as I can for the following chapter. :D

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hershangames

Well-Known Member
Really sorry for taking so long, I just couldn't get myself to do it(yeah, I'm so lazy I don't even do what I like doing), but it's finally here, chapter 2. It's longer and I hope better than last chapter, if anyone felt interested for this Fanfic, I hope they haven't lost it and will read this. Anyway, here we go.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hershan finished packing a big bag with his belongings. It saddened him that almost all he possessed fit in a single bag, and that most of it were clothes.
He took carried the in his back and carried it to the entrance of the farm, where a carriage was waiting for him.

As he descended the stairs towards the living room, he looked at the house for one last time. The flat walls, with not a single ornament, still with the marks of paintings all over them, the shelfs once full of books and objects of past members of his family, now empty and covered by a thin layer of dust; and lastly the rooms that now had nothing but beds in them. All of that, instead of depressing him, reminded him why he was leaving, he could not stay in an empty house, he had to go and find a better life.

The driver was already waiting for him in the doorstep. He was a Nord, as he was expecting, but he wasn't the tipicall strong Nords. he was a bit short, and his arms looked like they had never held a weapon. He wore a poorly washed leather armor, signal of the dangers of the road.

-Need some help with that bag?

-No need, I can do it myself

The Nord driver noticed the lack of accent in Hershan's words, and surprised, he couldn't help but ask.

-Where did you learn to talk in such a Nordish manner?

-Actually, I learnt it from and Imperial that traveled through these lands a few years ago. Seemed like a good man, but unfortunately he died at the hands of bandits.

-Bandits? There's many of those around here?

-Not anymore. Most of them were killed when they attemtep to kill a group of elite warriors and the rest disbanded.

-Good to hear that. You done with that bag?

-Yes, we can get going now.

The driver got the horses moving and started heading for the road.

-By the way, my name is Radff Stonearm, yours?

-Stonearm?-he said that with a sarcastic voice, as he watched the lack of muscles of the Nord.-

-My father named me like that, he said when I was a kid I looked strong. We've never talked much.-he realized Hershan was subtibly laughing and changed topic.- You still haven't told me your name.

-Hershan.

-No second name?

-Not any more.

-Should I ask?

-Best not.

-Your call.

They drove in silence for a few hours, until they started to see the city of Dune in the distance.

-So...Hershan. I know the plan was to make a quick stop at Dune and then head to Riberhold to cross the frontier to Cyrodiil, but I'm afraid we'll have to pass through Valenwood, stopping at Ebon Ro and then crossing the Cyrodilic frontier to Kvatch.

-Won't it take longer to go that way?

-Well, we may get a couple of days later than we expected, but it's nothing you should be concerned about, I assure you.

-I see. And what makes take such strange route?

-Well, there's been some trouble at Riberhold. I have no idea what it is, but before departing they warned me not to go through there. I hope you understand.

-Of course, of course. There's no point in going to dangerous places just for two days of delay.

-Thanks for your comprehension.

As they approached Dune, Hershan had the impression that the dessert was getting denser and the dunes taller. He thought that was where the citie's name came from.

It didn't take them long to enter the city and they soon stopped next to the stables.

-Well, then Hershan, I'll give my horses some rest. You can wonder around the city if you want, I'll be waiting for you here.

-Got it.

Hershan started walking towards the main street. He looked at the large wooden buildings that were scattered among the streets, all of them ending in pointy roofs. While he wandered in his thoughts about Khajit architecture he realized he had gotten to the main street. It was a large street that seemed to cross the entire city, full of people passing by and buying at the dozens of stores that were placed at each side of the street.

He kept on walking, carefully observing everything, amazed by the amount of diversity this place seemed to have. Not only were there Imperials and Wood Elfs, the stores themselves seemed to be from another land. There was a little store that sold tropical food, another one that offered ornaments of all sort, there was even one that sold magic items. He approached the last one, reading a large sign at the entrance:
"J'zzargo's Plane of Oblivion-magic goods"
He decided to enter, he didn't have much money but maybe he could get some sort of magic protection against the dangers of the trip.

The inside of the store was much bigger than it seemed from outside, and it was plagued by a strong smell of incense. There were several shelves, placed one next to another, creating hallways, almost like a library. On the shelves, there were all kind of items, apparently left there in no particular order, scrolls; booka, orbs, soul gems, potions, rings, amulets and even staffs. As he walked down the hallways of shelves, he got to a part with a black wooden table that seemed to work as cashier with a khajit in gray mage robes sitting behind. At the left side of the table was an enchanting table and at the right side an alchemy lab. Scattered above the wooden table were many objects, most if them like like the ones on the shelves. Amongst them, an amulet caught Hershan's attention.

It had a strange shape, almost like a diamond's outline but with a round top, the edges were pitch black and in the center, a dark reddish oval gem resided. The gem was hypnotizing, when looked carefully, you could see a see of magma through it, constantly moving. Hershan started hearing whispers coming from the gem.
"Come with me... embrace me...I can grant you power..."
He quickly left the amulet on the table. It was undoubtely from Daedric origins, and Daedric artifacts were not to be taken lightly. They could grant powers beyond imagination to their wearers, but at the same time they corrupted their minds to the point were they obeyed the artifact, and he refused to obey anyone.

He raised his eyes again and saw the mage starring at him.

-So you managed to resist it, huh? You must have great willpower.

-I'm sorry, you're talking about the amulet?

-Yes, it's called the orb of Sylaj Vata.

-Sylaj Vata?

-It's former owner. An akaviri king I think. He made a deal with Clavicus Vile. He wanted an artifact which gave him the power to defeat his enemies, and Clavicus Vile gave him this amulet, an amulet that allows you to make anyone bow to you and do as you wish. But it obviously has a major drawback, you see, a fragment of Clavicus Vile's soul is in that amulet, and every time you use the amulet it gains more control over your mind.

Sylaj Vata wasn't aware of that and he ended up becoming a slave of Clavicus Vile, soon to die at the hands of his many enemies. I found his corpse in some ancient Akaviri ruins, and it still had the amulet around his neck. -

After hearing the story of the amulet, Hershan's interest about it started raising, such artifact would be very useful to him.

-What do you want in exchange for the amulet?

-After hearing all that, you still want it?

-Yes. What do you want in exchange?

-Nothing. As long as you tell me what you will use it for.

-I'll see it when the time to use it comes.

J'zzargo thought for a while, until he reached the conclusion that the artifact would serve him for no good if it stayed there.

-I will give you the amulet, but you have to promise me that you'll never give it your soul.

-If I've been able to resist it ononce I can do it twice

-I wouldn't be so sure...

-Well then, thanks for the amulet, but I should be going now

-Wait! Before you leave, have these scrolls. They provide with fire cloaks, specially useful against the undead.

-No need thanks, I've never used magic and I doubt I'll be fighting undead

-It's useful still against normal enemies and you just need to open it for it to work, please accept them.

Though he was reticent, Hershan took the scrolls and thanking the mage again, he left.

As he walked the streets once again, he noticed a smithery.
"Magic scrolls may not be necessary, but a bow never goes bad when you travel this roads"- he thought. He bought a bow and a full quiver and after stopping by some more stores to buy food and water for the trip, he headed to the stables again.

There, he found Radff, laying on the carriage without a care in the world. When Radff saw him, he got up and got the horses ready.

-We can leave whenever you want, Hershan.

-Then what are we waiting for?

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hershangames

Well-Known Member
The carriage advanced down the road at a steady speed, hurrying a bit, but not too fast so that the horses wouldn't need to rest in hours. That had long passed the vast dessert that surrounded Dune and as they approached the frontier with Valenwood, more trees surrounded them. In less than an hour, they'd be surrounded by a sea of dense folliage.

-Hershan, do you see that?

-What?

-That canyon over there.

Radff pointed a grand rock canyon ahead of them. It's top had turned brown with a bit of red after years of standing under the sun, and no plants seemed to grow on it, but the inside of the canyon was a seemingly endless tropical forest, so thick they couldn't see beyond the first line of trees. Right in the middle of the forest, a clearly manmade path extended towards the exit of the canyon. It was an old path, covered by roots and little plants all over, but it seemed clear enough for the carriage to pass.

Hershan didn't know what to say, it was the first time he saw such big forest, and he new the image would never abandon him.

-Are we going through that canyon?

-Yes, just straight through that path and we'll be in Valenwood.

-Is all of Valenwood like this?

-Mostly, yes. There are some parts in which the trees grow taller and you rarely ever see a path like that one.

-Then how do they communicate?

-I'm not sure they do.

Minutes after finishing the conversation, the carriage entered the canyon, and barely instants later, it was already invisible from the outside.

The foliage was so dense, the sunlight was completely blocked and Radff had to lit a torch to see their surroundings. The forest was even more astonishing from the inside. Colorful flowers were scattered everywhere, spreading exotic armies all over. Birds of beautiful feathers flew from branch to branch, singing melodies of dreams.

All of a sudden, an arrow crossed the air like lighting and cut the reins of the horses, who in the midst of surprise, started running ahead. Hershan and Radff couldn't understand what just happened, and didn't react fast enough when a second arrow hit Radff in the arm, making him fall from the carriage. Hershan jumped to the floor, just in time to avoid an arrow aimed at him, and ran to Radff's aid, who was struggling to remove the arrow from his body.

-Radff!

-What is it Khajit?

-We have to get out of here!

-Really? And what gave you such great idea?

Hershan didn't appreciate the comment, and out of nervousness and anger, he forcefully took the arrow out. Radff screamed in pain, but he silently thanked the Khajit.

-You say we have to get out of here, but without any horses, we'll have to leave the carriage.

-Then we'll leave it, let me take some things I need and when I say it, we start running!

He jumped to the carriage again, crouching behind the small wooden wall that separated the seats from the rest of the carriage, where yet an other arrow struck. He quickly opened the bag and took out his pouch of money and the bow and the quiver. He was bout to jump out, but after a second thought, he turned to take the scrolls, that were right next to the Orb of Sylaj Vata. He was thinking whether to take the scrolls or the amulet, he couldn't carry both without dropping them somewhere, but a few arrows striking right next to him took him out of his reflections and without a second though he placed the bag on his back and jumped out, placing an arrow on the bow.

-Now, run!

-Are you going to run with that huge bag on?

-Just run!

They hurried towards the exit of the canyon,doing what they could to avoid the carefully shot arrows.

-Hey Hershan!

-What is it, now?

-I just realized, this arrows are wooden, how can they cut au well?

-Do you seriously think that matters right n... Wait, did you say wooden?

-Yes, why?

-Cover me for a moment!

-What? Are you insane?

Hershan stopped a moment and placed the bag on the floor upon taking one of the fire cloak scrolls. He got up and kept on running, carrying the bag as he could.

-Is that a scroll?

-Yes! It provides with a fire cloak.

-What are you going to do with it now?

-Are you kidding me? Wood burns, fool!

Before he could hear Radff's answer, he opened the scroll. What followed was a fiery explosion, with Radff and Hershan as its epicentre, which spread for a few meters, burning everything it came in contact with. The arrows stopped raining for a moment, but when they started running again, so did the arrows.

The fire began i spread, burning every tree it touched. After a while of Hershan and Radff running with archers and fire behind them, they started hearing screams and the rain of arrows stopped.

-It must be the archers, they're burning! Looks like your scroll worked after all!

-Stop talking and look ahead, those are our horses!

-Yes they are!

-Then run and get on one of them if you don't want to end like our fellow attackers!

Hershan and Radff performed one last sprint and they mounted the horses, hurrying towards the light that indicated an exit.


They were finally outoutside,where the fire couldn't get them. Hershan watched as the forest that had marveled him like never in his life burned to the ground, probably to never grow again. Exhausted as they were, they left a much more slow pace, looking behind at all times, fearing an arrow came back at them.


By dawnfall, they could see the distant houses of Ebon Ro, almost hidden in the trees.
When they finally arrived, Herahan realized it wasn't that different from Dune, aside for the fact that it was surrounded by jungle and that the buildings were stone made. It consisted of four main streets and several small ones, all placed around a big palace like building.

They were too tired to wander through the streets, so after leaving the horses at the stables, they slept at a cheap inn.



By morning, after having rested all night, Hershan was now able to focus on his surroundings. He realized that the village was in fact different from Dune. The only people that could be seen were wood elfs, and there were few stores to be seen.

Hershan walked down the small streets, looking for a spot were no one could see him, and he opened his bag. He searched for the amulet and hanged it from his neck, in case he list his bag, like he almost did in the canyon. After that, he decided to go to stables and see if Radff was there.

Indeed, he was there, arguing with an old man about buying a new carriage.

-Alright then, it's settled then, five hundred septims.

Radff sealed the deal, and he quickly took the horses to his newly acquired carriage.

-Good morning, Radff, I see you're quick with business.

-Hmm? Oh, Hershan, it's you. Well, I had to get us a carriage if we're to go to Skyrim.

-Indeed.

Radff tied the horses to the carriage, and after making sure everything was alright, he turned to face the Khajit.

-Just one question, Hershan.

-Yes?-Hershan said, apparently surprised.-

-Why do you think those archers attacked us?

-Bandits, maybe?

-What bandit group has such skilled archers that can cut the reins if a horse from the shadows of the forest?

-Well, wood elfs have always been famous for their archers. What does bother me is the fact that they insisted in pursuing us, even when the flames were right behind them. What bandit behaves like that?

They both stood there in silence for a few moments, until Hershan broke the silence.

-Well, then, shall we get going?

-We should if we want to get to Cyrodiil before evening.

-Then let's go.
e

The rest of the trip was swift, they advanced through the jungle almost unstopped, just taking a few breaks to let the horses rest and eat something. They only people they encountered were a few hunters that happened to be around there and an imperial patrol that had gotten lost when venturing the forests of Valenwood.

Around midday they noticed the forest was starting to become less dense, signaling they were close to Cyrodiil. After that, it only took them two hours to finally see the first Imperial settlements, and, as expected, by evening they were leaving their horses at the stables of Kvatch.

-Have a good night, Hershan, I'll go find an inn to spend the night

-A good night to you to, I'll wander off a bit

The city was unlike anything he had ever seen. It was surrounded by tall stone walls, and it all looked like a giant fortress. All of the buildings were big and, as the whole city, stone made, in the center of the city a huge castle arose, showing the might of the Empire with its giant black walls. There was an entire street dedicated to guilds, something rarely seen in Elsweyr.

He wanted to keep walking, but the exhaustion of the trip was starting make its presence, and so he was forced to find an inn and sleep, hoping the trip would continue the next day without complications.

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