Review and Revision Needed

  • Welcome to Skyrim Forums! Register now to participate using the 'Sign Up' button on the right. You may now register with your Facebook or Steam account!
  • Hey there, and welcome to our roleplaying section. Please take some time to read two of these useful resources below, if you're already a roleplaying expert, then there's no need to read the following beginner's guide, but be sure to read the rules.

    Free Form Role Playing Guide for Beginners
    JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.

    Sabath

    Archer
    Hello All, I recently began writing a journal and I'm in love with it. I would just like some review/revision of my work. Maybe some help on the plot work. Ill post my first entry and then the link to the page where the rest are. Im only 8 days in, this would be a great help and Ill give credit to whomever truly helps me out.

    Thank You again,
    Sabath

    Background

    - Salaco was born in the imperial city, his father was a traveling priest who during the Oblivion Crisis spent much of his time blessing the weary. At a young age, Salaco was put through Seminary School, he was to travel the world with his father as a priest.

    - Salaco was never given training with a sword, or able to practice with a bow, magic didn't run through his blood line. Salaco was just a typical civilian priest. Growing up wasn't difficult, his mother worked at the church keeping the place tidy while his father preached and traveled when he could, Salaco's father had begun to settle down on his pilgramiges when his son was born. Every so often he would leave but never farther than Anvil or farther north than Burma. His father knew his way around a sword but promised himself that he would never let his son learn in fear that it would be the death of him.

    - When Salaco was nearing the end of Seminary school, close to his 17th birthday, his mother grew seriously ill. Sadly the day before his birthday his mother passed away, Salaco was torn apart. His father stopped preaching and took up traveling again, leaving Salaco at home to finish school.

    - When graduation came each Priest was given their black robes at a cermony held in the Elven Garden district of the Imperial city, sadly Salaco's father was not at the ceremony instead he was supposedly in Skingrad tending to Skooma addicted beggars and teaching them the way of the Divine's. Salaco returned home and oddly found his father sitting by the fire. Looking for a sign of congragulation he approached his father in his new robe. His father gave him a once over and simply smiled and returned to gazing at the fire. After what seemed like hours of just silence and crackling flames. Salaco's father said to him " We are traveling to Skyrim my dear boy, Talos worshippers have been growing evermore restless and I am needed to spread the words of the other eight. "

    - After packing what little Salaco had, him and his father were off to the carriage. Little did Salaco know, this was the begining of a journey that would test his mind, body, and faith.

    - Salaco was always close with the Divine Zenithar, the God of Wealth and Commerce, it was through earnest work and honest profit would peace truly be acquired. Zenithar was Salaco's guide through adolescence and would be his guide for the remainder of his life.

    Skills

    - As a child playing with the other kids who lived in the Elven district Salaco always had a way with words. Whether it was convincing his mother to let him play outside later or convincing an Imperial guard to let him play in the Fountain.
    - Salaco also had a knack at hiding. It was as if no one could ever find the child when playing the neighborhood game of Find the Dark Brotherhood Assassin. These were the only two things that Salaco knew besides leading through the Blessed Divines.

    Sundas 17th of Last Seed, 4E 201

    - The sky's grow murky, no sunlight is breaking it's way through these augmented white walls. My father is still evermore silent on this trip. I have decided to pick up Quill and Parchment to record my records as a traveling Priest. I think that one day i can take these recordings and put them into some sort of Novel. We will have to see where Zenithar takes me, for it is by his will i will achieve greatness in life.

    - I should start out by printing my name " Salaco Morphiere " I have just turned 17 and finished Seminary school. My father and I are journeying to Skyrim where we are to justify the reasons of why Talos is no god but mere man. I believe that Talos should be worshipped though, is this wrong of me to have such a thought. To preach to these people something of which i do not believe. May Stendarr have Mercy upon me for such a thought.

    - Today we have just passed through Falkreath and are on our way traveling through the Mountains towards Riften. I am told that we are to be making a stop in Riverwood tonight and continueing throughout the night towards Helgen. With the roads growing evermore dangerous I pray the Zenithar will guide us. I will pick up Quill at first break of daylight when we reach Helgen.

    Morndas, 5:48 AM, 18th of Last Seed, 4E 201

    - By the nine, I never thought i would see the day of innocent lives being taken right before my eyese. My father, my beloved father is dead! Stendarr please have mercy on his soul, Arkay please watchover my father in heaven and guide him safely.

    - Let me start from the begining, it was eerie out, dark as the color black itself, i could barely see infront of my own hand. We had two imperial guards protecting us and driving the carriage in what i suspect the direction towards Helgen. Arrows came flying down on our carriage. One flew directly next to my leg and another my right arm. Once i did a checked over myself i looked over to my father and an arrow had been driven straight through his chest. He was gasping for air as blood poured from his wound. I dove over to my father and began to weep. I had no idea what to do i was no healer, i had no magical powers to heal him. He was dieing and he knew it, he looked at me and said " Son, I have failed you, by the nine i have failed you, take my ring, it has been blessed by Tiber Septim himself and it has been passed down for generations. Find my bag and take my Sermon book, the words will guide not only you but will have the words to guide anyone who crosses your path seeking guidance. Salaco, I believe you have a great purpose in this life." After a few gurgles of blood and one very gruesome blood bubble foaming from his mouth my father died in my arms.

    - It was then that i began to look around to see the two guardsmen dead. I peeked over the side of the carriage to see an Milita group of Stormcloacks. They were advancing and i knew that i wouldn't be able to run. I stepped out of the carriage and got on my knees. The first nord approached and very briefly looked at me before he began to loot the cart of which brought me here. A few more did the same until the biggest Nord of which my eyes have ever laid eyes upon came up to me. He looked directly into my eyes and seemed to be looking into my very soul. I spoke first " Please do not harm me, I am a priest simply traveling to Riften." He stared for what seemed like an hour before speaking and simply said " No. " He rose his axe and without even thinking I closed my eyes and said aloud " May Talos guide me! " His axe dropped. His fellow men turned to look in my direction. He spoke " An Imperial, seeking guidance from my Divine? Now men this is something you don't see everyday... Remove your garments." " You want me to strip?" I told the Blue dressed Giant. " And the ring, you can keep the two books I have little time for reading. " Seeing no other option i did as I was told. Those men stole my fathers ring and the clothes off my back. Then just walked away as if they had done nothing wrong.

    - I have nothing to my name, nor nothing for my body. I have my undergarments, a quill, my journal, and my fathers book. I swear I will find those Blue Devils. My father died at the hands of men who I actually felt sorry for, Talos you can take my words and shove them up your ass your men are worthless.

    - I need to find shelter, food, water, and some clean clothes but i have no idea where I am. The break of daylight is the only thing helping me to write this. I felt it was needed to record this incase im found dead in the next few hours. If i have life in my hands tonight I will write if i can find a fire or an inn. May Zenithar guide me, because he should know i need it now more than ever.

    Link to the other entry's
    Salaco's Journal (Hardcore) | Skyrim Forums
     

    Melee

    I'm back, bitches
    I really enjoyed reading this first chapter, and I hope to read more of them! You've created an interesting character, one who is completely uneducated in ways of fighting, even things like magic. His adventures should be fun to read about. :)

    While I don't have any critiques on your writing so far, I do have one suggestion. Instead of this going in the Role Playing section, this would probably work better in the fan fiction section. This is where people act out story lines with others, and you're telling the story more than acting it out. :)
     
Top