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You need to put a childs room in your house before you can adopt. Just buy the upgrade from dragonsreach steward or build a house. You don't need the letter just do one of the jarl quests in tfalkreath, morthol, or dawnstar then talk to their stewards to buy a plot of land.
Had a Similar problem. Your supposed to be given a housecarl but he got glitched on me. His Names Gregor and he's disappeared. In the mean time just use on of your other housecarls they always accept.
When you guy the house you can become thane. You will be given a housecarl (Rayya, Gregor, Vladamir) based on the hold. But they are glitched and don't always appear.